The Bargain

A B&B in The Wales Countryside

I bargained with life for a penny

And life would pay no more

But Oh! How I begged every evening

When I counted my scanty score

For Life is a just employer

She will give you what you ask...

And once you set the price

Well...then you must bear the task

I bargained with Life for a penny

Only to learn dismayed

That ANY price I would have asked of Life

Life would have willingly paid

-Jessie Belle Rittenhouse

JUST ASK, WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND GOOD INTENT, JUST ASK

Well the girls are getting big!  Their wings are coming in and cleaning the pen is taking longer because they are harder to catch!

The only thing I can relate it to is that they seem to be just like typical teenagers; they are giving me dirty looks, hiding out, not wanting to socialize with mom (unless there is food) and their general demeaner is just...well...pissy.  But guess what?  I still love them!

I clean their 'coop' before I get ready for work and it's a good thing that I do because this morning I got a nice lump of wet used chicken pine shavings in my hair!  I had to laugh really (after I said a few choice words of course)  I understand why farmers get up early.  It's a funny thing though because I am no longer looking at them like pets all cut and cuddly.  They already want to rip my face off when I move them around and handle them!  But I am looking at them with an eye I've never had for anything before.  They will work for my family in a way...they will provide nice healthy fresh eggs and we will care for them and make them as stress free as possible so they can carry this task out.  

I haven't given much thought to the distant future when their egg production (ha! like mine) will surely diminish.  Will they end up in a soup pot?  I hear an old bird is tough - I can attest to that one.  But even a tough cut of meat can be marinated and made into a meal in tough economic times.   This is touching my self sufficient desires big time folks...and it feels so...well...correct.

I also know why nature makes babies so cute and heart softening...because the teens are gangly, moody, ungrateful!  But you look at them and can see the helpless little babies they once were and you press on.  It's only been a few weeks and I am having something strange being born in my heart - a strange sense of gratitude and confidence...I guess all girlys need that!

Here's to the teen times!

One Year Anniversary (Belated!)

My Brother at the Local Pub - The Irish Cottage 

St. Patrick's Day 2013

The Boy is Jimi Hendrix on the Pipes!

But Scotland the Brave Holds my Heart til my dyin' day!

Funny thing I didn't notice until I went looking for a quote...this blog has been actively worked for a year!  My goal was to have this and I missed it's anniversary by a week!  

Sometimes we get so busy plowing forward we forget to look back...may seem silly but my commitment to this has been an accomplishment for me...it's been a forum...personal therapy, triumph and tears.  But above all of that it has been a place of hope for me.  Messages in a bottle...yes I still believe in them.  Because it isn't how much we are different...it's how much we humans are the same that does it for me!

I'm still amazed when people email me or run into me and tell me they are reading it - I love the feedback, although the voluntary feedback on this blog has eluded me - I just haven't had the time to fix the comment/like option.  So a year under my belt!  I hope it has been as fun for you as it has for me!  The readership has grown - Hello Russia, Australia, Canada, Italy, Ireland, USA, Puerto Rico...actually hello World - Boy we are both big and small at the same time!

My goal for the coming year is to expand the blog, fix the damn comment situation, dream more, stress less, hope all around!  Maybe interact a bit more with my readers, feature some things... but always learn, always pass the torch of Hope - After all we are all in this world, this life, this existence together.  It took every moment from the beginning of time to make right now...to make this moment - so please make it count!

  Promise me you will learn one new thing, write down a new goal, strive for a more authentic existence!  You know I'll be praying for you and sending good energy with every post!

So Happy Anniversary to us World, and of course Many More!

XXXOOO!!!

All work but you gotta play...

This morning started out very spiritually, very much so in fact I have been unable to really gather my thoughts on it to blog it out.  Let's just say it was good until I can flesh it out for everyone...

On a much lighter note the middle of my day was not spent listing projects, planting plants, or cutting wood...It was about a nice reprieve from the work load I've been plowing through.  Today was all about a baby that is on the way!!

My very close friend Cheryl's sister is due in about 3 weeks - folks when I tell you she is BARELY showing it is the truth...some gal's get all the luck!  So I arrived very early (I am a chronically late person so Cheryl fibbed the time to get me there correctly...does she know me folks or does she know me?)

I walked into a place called Sonny's on The Lake and was greeted by a HUGE expanse of windows looking out over a lovely lovely lake!  After the recent series of unfortunate events, this was like an ice cold water in a desert.  Being that close to that much water has a complete positive and serene effect on my being.  I felt my belly relax, my chest open, and my smile soften... and I just had to sigh in it's beauty...then I saw the tables!

Cheryl is a floral designer, wedding planner extraordinaire!  This is pure talent and art!  It was on the water and everything from the flowers to the sea glass to the shells created an ambiance that set the soul right!

Thistle, greens, blues, and creams created watery dreams!

No detail was overlooked...

Bits of sea glass, shells, sand and moon colored candles oh my!

Sea Glass Candy Favors in Quilted Ball Jars!! (they knew I was coming!)

The view from our table!

The food was good and might I say so was the afternoon wine spritzer!  Many times a day like this with friends in celebration grounds you in a way no yoga mat could.  I pray we always take the time celebrate life's gifts...in this case a baby boy...Life is good and I was blessed to be there!  I can't wait to meet the Little Man!

Namaste

It's for your own good!

So today I was up at the crack of dawn (as usual) and planned on going for a run at the spa (aka gym).  Of course before I do anything pretty much the animals come first.  Bella the crazy chihuahua tends toward spoiled and lazy on the weekends and lounged in the boys bed looking at me hoping for breakfast in bed...one diva in this house is enough!

I put her on hold and went downstairs to see the girls (and 1 questionable rooster).  I readied the holding box on the dining room table and turned to scoop them up one by one to put them in.  When I turned I was almost eye level with the largest of the yellow ones.  She was standing right on top of the feeder, looking quite proud of herself, staring at me. O.M.G!

I was startled and plucked her off and put her in the box.  Flapping and jumping ensued.  They have been growing at quite a rate and well something had to be done.  I looked all over for a bigger container and came up with zero!  When we were only going to get six the pen seemed large enough...we ended up getting 12 (I heard this is normal...)  So I may end up having to split them into 2 pens for room and safety sake!  

There was old squared fencing type wire and I snipped it into a rectangle and bent the ends down to hold it in place.  When I popped it on I saw 12 disgruntled birds glaring up at me.  I can sleep easy knowing they CANNOT get out, but something will have to be done soon to give them more room.  

In a couple of weeks we will be outfitting an old shed with insulation, paneling, nesting boxes, a perch and a ladder - until then they are on lockdown!  God help us all

Taking the hint

So I'm on my lunch break at work today and  I usually obscure myself in a closed office or empty room, and have my break in silence.  It's sort of a midway 12 hour day reboot for my brain.  Working in an ICU can be a bit ...well...overstimulating...so I grab 30 mins of zen.  When I transferred there, I think my coworkers thought me antisocial.  Now they know me well enough to realize it's just the meditating cosmic hippie wanna-be farm freak.

So anywho, I'm in this decked out corporatey conference room overlooking the river, with a table that seats 14, leather chairs and all.  Technology all over, etc etc.  And I had to laugh when I looked at myself;

Home brewed iced tea from my own fridge in a large ball jar, Homemade Turkey and Rice soup (Homemade as in even the stock was home cooked) also in a ball jar, I'm dreamily looking at the tree tops and the natural light with my latest issue of GRIT (aka homesteading/farming) magazine opened up, and I'm hoping that the baby chicks currently residing in my dining room are ok, I was also thinking about materials and venting for the old shed that will be their new home in a few weeks.  I. just. froze.  Then I laughed!

We are what we carry inside of us...  I've got one foot in that corporatey world out of a provisional necessity, but my other foot is in the mud, under the big sky, collecting eggs, planting food, and thinking about goats.

The shift is subtle, yet constant.  One day both feet in the same place...My prayer and promise to myself!

Namaste

Day off project!

When I downsized to this townhouse my children were alot younger, so my real estate 'office' was in the corner of the walkout finished basement.  It served it's purpose.  Then I ran into a financial jam and detached from the situation emotionally and gave myself advice as if I were my own client - I rented it out and went somewhere way way cheaper!  Then the boys and I moved back, real estate took a nosedive and I lost the basement to the teenagers for good.

If you go down there at any given time there are usually 2-6 boys (they multiply when a food source is nearby)  innumerable video games, weight lifting gear, sports stuff, and anything else associated with the adolescent male.  I threaten to reclaim it one day and make it a proper family room...I am only lying to myself!  Most days I wanna throw the food down the stairs and nail the door shut.  In my zen mind I say I have a two floor townhouse....denial is a beautiful place...

So the biggest problem I've had with 'living' in an environment that flows with my lifestyle (which, ha!, lets face it is like some hippie cosmic galaxy of interests and old world cozy...I mean as I write this I've got 12 chickens in a dining room...you get the picture)  anyway the biggest problem is the mail.  YUP THE MAIL.

We collect it everyday and try as I might it migrates through the entire house...then turns into stacks...so all I really want to do is set everything on fire!  Honestly I need organization, I need socks to match, I need to find spoons where spoons should be, or my life with it's shape-shifting schedules just doesn't work.  I end up frustrated and pyro-meditative.

I pay most bills online these days, check my account online, order online etc.etc.  But there are those times when I need to write checks, notes, legal stuff, and open mail like a grown up.  I've been eyein an extra closet in my room for sometime.  I have a walk-in that is the size of the bedroom I grew up with and this extra closet just seemed so...well...unnecessary.  Until a few days ago!  I told Mr. William what I would like, he waved his wand....

Empty closet.  One 2x4 cut 3 ways to brace $3.50.  (Did I mention woodshop is his FAVORITE CLASS? It is quickly becoming mine as well!!)

One damaged laminate counter remnant that Mr. William asked for the discount on (there was a chip...he had to cut it anyway)  (Did I mention I gave birth to this genius??)  20% off  = $34.40.  One small can of paint $10. Extension cord (only when in use) $1.25.

A place to blog, to dream, to deal with mail, to write, to work on my Bachelor's Degree, To plan my life and a door to close it all away!  Mom's Nook! ($49.15)  

I'll put the matches away for now...

Dream

It is never too late to be

What you might have been

-George Eliot

Suspicious Minds

So this morning was a live run with the girls before I left for work!  I was up at 4:30 but did the old heave hoe out of bed around 4:45.

Last night I prepped all I could for this AM...I even put the coffee in the basket and water in the machine so all I had to do was flip a switch come morning.  I had laid out clothes (normal) Prepared my packed lunch as well as Joe's (I always cook a bit extra for left overs)  We are saving $ that way and boy do we need it!  My morning was going smooth as glass.

After I got the coffee going and set out the lunches, I turned to the girls.  There is a nano science going on with them I swear - they were all settled sleeping and overlapping one another, one with her head in the feeder (hey I don't judge, I've been there myself).  But the second I moved the heat lamp they all shot up like little ticked off puffs, chirping loudly in protest!

They are getting big fast and they've taken to doing this obstacle course like run and leap for the walls of their pen.  I left them in the pen as long as I could - I washed and changed the feeder, waterer and the chick crap crusted thermometer (this is entirely my fault  you are supposed to hang the thermometer but I had visions of this metal rectangle falling like a giant guillotine on an unsuspecting puff - so I happily hot water wash crap off of it a few times daily.)  When I say happy I truly mean that!  Their attitudes are cracking me up something fierce.  They run around like...well...like crazy chickens squawking and flapping like mad - It's total drama!  Like a bad chick day care!

So I have a small shipping cardboard box with some pine shavings to 'hold' them in while I quickly change their bedding.  They are very used to us picking them up and checking them out - I think the novelty of humans has worn off for them - actually I think the roll their eyes at this point and they are simply tolerating us.  So one by one I reached in like a shrinking giant and picked them up.  They aren't all named yet but we are getting there...

A real little bad ass one with a black and white mohawk hair style (feather style?) is now known as Stripe (from the movie Gremlins)  She's the fastest one in the bunch and man she lets you know it.  So into the box they went, then I was gripped by a horrifying sound ; The flapping of wing buds.  One climbed onto the back of another (I believe it was a team effort)   then she made a jump for it and by God she almost made it! EEEKKK!  I thought I had a few more weeks before the Alcatraz Routine.  I put folded out newspaper over the box and worked fast changing the shavings.  Soon they had cozy deep clean bedding, crap free water (for a little while) and fresh food (which looks like moon dust - I truly can't wait to be giving them fresh food)  The thermometer was crapped on by 3 of them right off the bat (protest I think?)

As I picked up the last chick, He looked me right in the face - Yes I say HE because I believe the Jigsy is Upsy. I think we've got a rooster... a cock in the harem for sure.  I may be paranoid, but I think there was an exchange of understanding.  I think he was challenging me.  I squinted at him and he chirped loudly (perhaps a threat?)  I put him down and he shook me off.  He then sauntered into the circle of ladies and looked up at me - If a cock could laugh well he did. O brother!  I stared him down and tried to look tough.  It's on senor and you best be a senorita with an attitude is all I can say!

I blew them a kiss goodbye, woke the boys up and headed out.  I left for work on time, then got stuck in 2 hours of traffic...Get thee to a farm soon God please!  I could've already logged 3 hours of honest work and gained street cred with the suspected rooster!

One day I won't be leaving for work, I'll already be there...crap crust for everyone - and you can bet the farm on that!

Good Morning

Today lies within you a Billion little decisions.  The power of this morning holds the key to many tomorrows. In on instant by changing your mind YOU can change your life.  The wonderful thing about your brain is that once you present it with a new challenge it goes to work, even when you are asleep.  But today you are awake, very very awake.  Today you can make a decision to:
-Enjoy your time
-Look for a new job
-Say Yes to anything you've been wanting
-Eat one healthy meal
-Drink one glass of water
-Take a walk
-Take 3 deep breaths
-Say I love you
-Pray for someone you know
-Pray for someone you don't know
-Smile at three people
-Decide to live aware

Today is yours - A gift for you!

Namaste

Song of themselves...

My Mr. William

'Get outside it's so lovely and the air is so beautiful!' - That was me the other day telling the boys and their friends they had to shut down everything that was plugged in and then go outside for at least an hour to avoid getting rickets.

Aw mom we are in the middle of a game!  But they did as they were told.  30 minutes later they came back to the townhouse WITH PURPOSE! 

They grabbed backpacks, food, supplies from the 'prepper closet'.  'What are you boys doing?'  I asked.

'We found a really cool place by some water!  It's totally secluded - we are gonna make our own campsite!!'

Boy they took that ball and ran with it! - but I thought Hey my friends and I spent countless hours outside when we were their age.  We would explore, lunch on a rock somewhere and just be in nature - of course we didn't know that at the time, we just thought we were out from under our parents rules...  

So I let this go and that night when they came back in (we are talking HOURS later) they were chattering with plans and survival techniques, places in the world they wanted to see, probably together.  And there it was...being unplugged took center stage.  They were unplugged from the chains of TV and Video games and plugged into the energy of themselves and the earth.

Sitting: My Michael aka MikaDude and friends

A day or so later, my youngest son cryptically uttered words that made my heart sing 'Mom-ya wanna see our site?'    WOW not only allowed to KNOW about it, I was actually invited to SEE it!  Good relationship with your kids in my book? CHECK!!!

So through the back woods we went, trails, turns, slopes and all.  I scanned for signs of danger-it was all peaceful.  We came into a spot that could only be described as majestic and shrouded.  The trees parted and in the center was a perfect clearing, flat with fallen Cedar surrounding it.  The recent storms had taken their toll on the forest, but at the same time had created a wonderland for the teenage adventurer - huge upended trees created benches and blockades.  One look east revealed an enormous gray swamp giving way to a lake with hundreds of geese taking refuge, their calls like background music.  

Snow began to softly fall and created a coated dreamy sway among the evergreens.  It was perfect.  And my son looked at me bursting with pride - Mom, This is OUR place.  I turned my head so he couldn't see the well up of small tears in my eyes.  They are becoming themselves and I was allowed a peek into that amazing dance between boy and man.  I thanked God and all that was holy for this privilege.  Everyday with those boys is a privilege.  And this spot, THEIR place was more sacred to them than the greatest of cathedrals.

A Friend

They had set up a tent (their clubhouse) and made a fire in a perfect pit.  They were cooking Ramen Noodles with bottled water via mess kit.  Each one seemed to have a duty, a place they naturally excelled, and they were working as a team.  It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever set my eyes on and it burned into my heart to never be forgotten.  

They were finally unplugged, and totally plugged into their place in the realm of everything. 

Folks being a mom doesn't get much better than this!  I am a blessed and grateful woman!

Namaste

Chicky Poop

The Girls Are Doing Wonderfully!  We started with six...we ended with 12!  (Think Jaws except "We're gonna need a bigger coop!")  We got our hands on one Rhode Island Red - Which is now known as Brave, A Barred Rock now known as Kratos (Teenage boys-God of War video game... sigh) 2 Ameraucana-they lay the blue and green eggs (!!!) and 2 Sussex?  I think?!

They are eating so much I can't even believe it!  I love to wake up and come downstairs to their little chirping noises - some of the first batch seem to be sprouting wing like tips already!  We are handling them like crazy and they seem somewhat used to us.  I've fallen into a routine - Wake up, Get the kids going, Take Bella (crazy Jack Russell/Chihuahua) for a long walk on the grass backing to the bird sanctuary (It makes her feel wild and tough), then I feed her and clean the water/feed/bedding for the girls!  I'm only having to wake up a bit earlier with the addition to the morning routine,  and on work days I'll probably jam it out around 4:30AM....but here's the kicker: IT IS BLISS!

I never thought this would make me so gleeful!  It's so damn real - unlike fluorescent lighting.  Don't get me wrong I've got probably one of the best gigs @ work ever.  I commute 3 days a week (read gas savings) and have the option for 4, I have great benefits (as I found out with my ER visit last Wednesday - another blog soon), Paid time off, sick time etc.  Once I get my debt down (ongoing) and either sell or rent out my current digs, and find a place with plenty of dirt...well... it will be a ton easier!

These girls were the first concrete step toward the life I want, and a little bit of success goes a long way toward fueling the engine of desire when the chips seem down and you start to lose sight of what it is you really want.  You have to be good to yourself and not such a slave - and in a way THAT is what this is basically about; Personal Freedom.  The ability to grow what you want to eat without chemicals and things that can kill you. The choice to raise your own animals humanely and should they be slaughtered; to do it swiftly and with a Prayer of Thanks.  To know that you can be authentic and live by the streams, provide for yourself and your family.  You need your dreams like the seed needs spring - you have to cultivate them, however small the steps may seem.  A book, a thought, a promise, a prayer.  Just keep on keeping on!  A small flock of chickens and a desire for a different life seems to put one foot in front of the other for me.  The pace may seem slow but if there's anything I've learned; it's to maintain a slow and steady forward movement.  You gotta pick yourself up and shake off the dust of negativity and doubt when life throws you the curve ball (and it will).  But you also must be ready and brace yourself for the quantum leap that comes in between those times - because it is coming like a wild thunder storm if you hold tight to your dream!

I was on the phone with a friend and she asked what I was doing...I replied "I'm warm paper toweling this chicks crap crusted butt so she doesn't get backed up"  There was a long silence then she said "Dear God what has happened to you?"   "I don't know," I replied, "But isn't it Fantastic?!!!!!"

Namaste

Friends

One of the greatest things that happened to me post divorce was that I had prayed with great intention for friends.  I had been somewhat obscured from them and making them in my married, stay home with babies life was impossible.  They just didn't happen for me. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful family...but truly 'call you up everyday and bitch and laugh friends' well it all eluded me.  It left me somewhat spooked and bewildered.  So I prayed and asked and waited...

Friends showed up when I was going through the worst of the worst and I just said one little word, help.

It was hard to put myself out there.  I was selling real estate in a local office and there were work things I went to for sure, but not many 'friend things.' One day I opened up.  I had to or I was going to burst. They heard me, they saw me, and I saw them.  People need people.

Shortly there after like a million stars in a black night Friends appeared.  They thought I had had such a full fleshed out life that they didn't think I really wanted or needed them.  What I lacked those years I was paid by the universe ten-fold!  I have 'groups' of friends.  Friends that I went to school with, lost touch and now see, talk to, meet up with.  I have real estate buddies (women wisdom keepers) that have been dubbed the Vagina Mafia - we've gone on weekends together, call on each other for support, text for laughs, and show up when most needed.  I have work friends that lost touch but reconnect here and there.  I have second job friends that when we see each other any time we had been apart melts.  And recently I have a new group of friends beginning where I work now - and every time there is a new person, a new friend, it does not go unnoticed and a little prayer of thanks goes up.

To have a friend you must be a friend.  You must listen, witness both pain and joy, show up, be crazy, be quiet, be human - be you.

My kids and I have a very non-traditional life since the divorce.  It appears normal but it's pretty fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants.  It's fast moving, a lot of communication (about EVERYTHING) which I'm told is a miracle with 2 teenage boys.  We laugh and we bare our souls, our fears- they know I don't have all the answers, hell, sometimes I don't even know the question...but here's the key: We Ask.  We Find. It happens.

We value each other and pretty much everyone else.  I truly wouldn't have it any other way.  Weekends with the kids usually entails a house full of teenage boys, good boys.  Pasta feeds all.  My kids understand friendships and their entire lives will be rich for it.

Go out of your comfort zone, it's hard sometimes, but it gets easier!  Float a comment in company you would like to keep "maybe we should hang out sometimes'  or 'lets meet for coffee'  sometimes a group is easier to start out with- but do it, you won't be sorry!  And that moment, when that beautiful moment happens... when the words 'My Friend' are uttered, say a prayer - more will surely come your way!

Much friendship and happiness to you!

Namaste

Our Day

Yesterday was finally our day! After what seemed years of pouring over breeds, planning their home, how we were going to do it, it finally happened-we brought some fluffies home!

There was a saying we used to have when I sold real estate 'Push it to the table' what it meant was when there were  many people involved,  many opinions, many demands, we would just take the deal and push it to the closing table - it was a way to make things happen - and 9 times out of 10 the deal would close.

I woke up yesterday knowing it was the day.  It just was.  I had wanted xyz breeds and special birds from this catalog and that - yet i could not find one where you could buy less than 15 birds.  My heart sank, no way could I have that many I had to keep the number under 10 - my initial goal was 6.  I decided to wait until the next poultry show in may to get them...only I just couldn't wait anymore.  The timing felt just right for some reason.  So I did what I've learned to do...I pushed it to the table.

I walked into Tractor Supply, heard the chirping and said "Hi, today is the day"  I must have looked like a happy little psycho because I couldn't stop smiling.  The staff caught on.  There was an older woman working the register 'I'll get you some help hon - my my you sure do look happy!'  

A young guy came over and gave me a 15 minute crash course, reassuring me that if I had any trouble or questions at any time I was to come right in.  A life line.  He said the staff are more than equipped to help, many of them have farms and know what to do.  He has 60 chickens and goats.   I left with a chirping box, 50 lbs of feed, feeders, temp gauge, A scary looking Frankenstein heat lamp, and enough pine shavings to carpet my house.  But I left with something more...I left with a full heart, really big.  When something is just right, the body sure does tell you!

I got home and set it up in a large tote (no one seems to carry big galvanized dog bath tubs anymore-God I miss Hamburg Hardware!)  I strapped the scary heat lamp to an old lamp stand.  Getting the temp correct was the hardest part, I kept having to move it back and forth. But the chicks didn't seem to mind at all! They ate ALOT and drank ALOT.  All of the sudden they all got quiet and laid down - I thought I had a mass death on my hands but apparently this is what they do...and a peace came over me.  Just peace.  You know when you are on the right path...I felt like  that little kid from the movie The Goonies, he is on the verge of a great adventure and he quietly whispers...

'It all starts here'...And so did I!

It All Starts Here!

I truly have no words right now, just some tears and a great sense of adventure!

My best Girly

So many of you have emailed me 'what does Bella look like?' She's been posted before but this is the best one yet!  She's about 7 lbs, half jack/half chi - all crazy like her best girl (me).  This little bundle of love and nerves has been with me through some of the hardest times.  I think she is as excited about my days off as I am.  

We talk about farm dreams.  Today's walk brought her patches of grass and an attempted attack on a St. Bernard...yeah she's one of those.  Remember tho folks it ain't the size of the dog in the fight - It's the size of the fight in the dog!

Her shadow freaks her out in daylight AND moonlight!

Her favorite walk...up around the other side of the quarry!  The ice is slowly receding and she is plotting against the geese...

Just that kinda day

The other day it was a bit warm out. Today, however,  we are watching what amounted to (according to the table on my deck) about 9" of snow melt.  

I had the other day off and I wound up walking my dog around the yards of my development.  It was sunny and she wasn't shivering a cold shiver (just her normal chihuahua shiver).  I've taken to throwing on what I call my muck boots, strappin Bella up and off we go.  We get pretty adventurous that little dog and I.  We wound up on the upside (i.e. forbidden side) of the quarry.  It equates to about a 100ft drop with the edges mushy.  It was breathtaking.  People don't understand that when you are from this area you have a natural pull back safety mechanism...you know how close you can get at certain times of the year!  Then we trekked the outskirts of the whole place.  She roots around like some miniature piglet and I survey the woods - we both have farm dreams and detach from reality during these walks.  She's my best girl.

The geese are making their way back as evidenced by the cocktail party sounds from the swamp on the bird sanctuary side.  The natural rhythm of these sorts of things always set me correct.   I came in and made a kickin cabbage and stewed tomato soup (easiest recipe ever!) to warm up.  I was still restless and decided the perfect ending would be a fire in the old cast iron pot belly stove at dads!

My brother and I pulled this stove out of the woods a long long long time ago.  That was when there was a ton of good pullin around these parts (now, if anything, it's literally just litter along our roads).  Back in the day when this was a summer-home-town, city folks that would come up and just let things go that they didn't want.  (Dad had found an intricate wooden bird cage once!)  Time marched on and summer homes (ours included) were transformed into year round homes.  And we got out of Brooklyn for good.   

Anyway, my brother and I hauled this thing home, painted it blue and white for mom, stuck a plant in it and on the deck it sat for years.  Those were the days when my life was more about aesthetics than usefulness.  Now I haul things around and find a few uses...this is the best chiminea $ didn't buy!  We've set this ablaze, warmed food on it, popped corn on it, boiled water for hot chocolate, gotten rid of newspapers and all the little twigs that storms leave behind.  But some days when I'm off and on my own and the kids are in school, I head over there, light it up and breathe into Crisy fire meditation.  Fire is alive, it is comfort for me on a level I can't explain...a level other than warmth.  It's a connected feeling with all that came before, a basic ingredient to being human.  After my divorce I bought a townhouse with a gas fireplace.  No muss, no mess, just flip a switch.  It doesn't even come close.

So there I sat for a good long while.. The light started to change and I knew it was time to head in.  My dad suggested putting in a proper pretty outdoor fire pit...the protests of everyone were fast and furious!   If he ever does though, this beauty will be in my garage until it rests on my own dirt on my own farm.  A proper place for sure!

Here's to fire we make and take with us

Thoughts

The almanac says we are gaining 15 minutes of morning every few days. This is more than evident on my commute to work.  Today the treeless woods were coated with a spattering of snow.   I cannot describe it other than to say it possessed a Revolutionary War look to.  One could easily imagine soldiers wide eyed, keyed up, hunched walking with awareness through those woods.  It got me thinking of the revolution that has been building inside of me; my chest and gut.  My dreams that walk through the forest of myself.

It was the fallen wood that truly touched me.  Due to all the storms and weather pattern changes, the grounds had been saturated for weeks on end, and like pulling weeds in the garden after rain, very large trees lay sideways with their entire root system exposed.  They seem to be waiting for a Homer-like giant to come along and replant them.

I suppose, one day, when I have a wooded lot next to my farm, fallen wood will be work half done.  I always did have a problem even watching trees being felled. Watching majesty fall. So by a process of cosmic natural selection - I could walk in the woods, chainsaw in hand, and render those fallen fuel.

Yesterday at work of all places I had a spirited talk with a fellow prepper of sorts about hunting small game, large game and the spiritual mindset of slaughter.  

I recalled with a shudder the Christmas party I attended last December.  It was a popular restaurant where they served Rodizio.  Basically it's cooking small portions of fine protein en mas then serving them on skewers - round and round they go til you are stuffed and cannot take anymore.  Scallops wrapped in bacon. Quail. Filet Mignon. Strip Steak. Huge shrimp (oxymoron?) Pork.  And on and on it went.  Though it was enjoyable and a feast to end a wonderful bang on work year, there was a feeling of guilt that came over me.  Were these animals raised correctly?  Were they cared for?  Did they get much sun? Good food? Was there end speedy and humane?  And why in the hell were we eating so much food, when so many went hungry?  I put my fork down and sighed...these animals died for our enjoyment.  I felt disrespectful of their existence.

It was then that I saw the glaring difference of a hunt, a prayer, the gift given by God and the natural earth for the sustenance.  The feeling of knowing YOU had a place in that circle and that YOU as well may be dinner one day.  The removal of this reverence bothered me.  There is still prayer of thanks for food on the table, but sometimes it seems shallow.  And words not meant are truly not words worth saying.

I work in a job...not directly in the day to day provision of my life and that of my family.  And while we are so called 'advanced' something has gotten lost along the way.  There is a reason I want to leave my car on the side of the road and walk into that forest that lies in wait.  There is a reason I have urges to forage in a sense or at the very least pull my dinner from the earth.  There is a reason I want to be close to what I eat, to give thanks for it, to use as much of it as possible, and never take for granted the slaughter that may take my family through a harsh dark winter.  There is a reason I want to touch the wood that will splinter and pop and change to grant me heat.  There is a reason I wish to know how to take the plant, grind the wheat and bake the loaf.  I am no longer afraid of these reasons.

 The human race has made great strides.  We have climbed from a scratching toil of existence but I cannot help if in some ways that has been to our detriment and ultimately the demise of our soul.  

I sought a soothsayer, a vision woman once and when I asked of my children, she had simply stated 'when they chose you they chose well'.  In that realm I am enough...more than enough.  In this realm I am somewhat bewildered.  It's akin to asking a warrior that's itching for the battle to sit still in a church and pray for the best.  For the warrior the best is blade drawn on the field making it happen...or die trying.  

My prayers and gratitude are best through sweat, through tears, through the laughter of my children when their bellies are full and sleep is soon.  And sometimes life grants us those reprieves.

Everything that was once roaming has the essence of the Call of the Wild.  I've had a growing ache for what I believe is the call of my Authentic Wild Self.  My genetic lottery of a Scot dictates I am clan like to the core with a blood that runs thick for it's own.  We are scattered now, but should a calling go up we will arrive.  My make has granted me freakish strength, sturdiness, a calf muscle no fashion boot would fit and no rocky climb could tame.  I've a heart that quickens in the natural realm and beats like the drum of a warrior, a fighter, a memory, and a touch of the eternal.  There is a stirring when I hear the pipes, their sound carried by the mist over the mossy rocks.  Our kind is the kind that is true, that you want in your proverbial corner.  What I cannot seem to get right in the ways of the heart, my cup runneth over in the ways of the battle.  It speaks to me in dreams, running like water to soak my existence. 

Like the waxing and waning moon, the vegetable and the seed, the night and the day, change is always.  I will have land and woods.  I don't know how, I just know yes.  I do know these yearnings are bigger than me and they must come to fruition. Right now I have my feet in today, in this existence - but I hear the call - my soul is in the forest I pass...breathing...waiting for my flesh to join it.  To become whole. To become authentic.

I am who I am and I make no apologies...not any more.

I have had dreams, and I have had nightmares.

I overcame the nightmares, because of my dreams

-Jonas Salk

These are the thoughts I have, in the half light of morning, on my way to work

Namaste

Questionable Apples

Today was a second day off in a row!  I wish I could say it was glam but it was laundry and scrubbing most of the time.  I decided before I cleaned the kitchen to shred the rest of the dark meat from the bones of the turkey I cooked the other day - I netted 4 bags of shredded meat that will reside passively in the freezer for a few weeks until the craving for turkey returns.  It will then return to my sitcom called life as a turkey pot pie!

So from that bird we enjoyed many dinners, which migrated to take to work lunches, which ended up soup, extra stock, and turkey salad.  Time consuming but frugal enough to make it well worth it!

I ended up with an always pleasant intelligent phone conversation with Cheryl, about cured bacon, asparagus patches, trout season and where to snag a taste of squirrel soup.  I was cleaning out the fridge, rearranging and taking note of what was around.  Luckily in this house with 3 hungry men there isn't too much that goes to waste.  There were however some questionable apples.

A questionable apple, by Cheryl's definition, is an apple that's no longer a little boys best friend.  It isn't very crispy, may appear a bit wrinkly and is ready to be transformed into a cooked apple.  There were four of these questionable ones and 2 huge Golden ones.  The Goldies were still snackable but were sacrificed for the crisp.

I chopped them all up and made a simple recipe of sugar, cinnamon, water, lemon juice, flour, oatmeal, and of course butter.  When I tell you the house smelled like home it was the truth!  It's still a bit biting outside, damp and windy.  This was the perfect day for a crisp like this.  I chopped up some chocolate and make choc chunk cookies as well.  I have to work tomorrow and am happy to leave the guys with a bit of homemade happiness in my absence.  I snagged a scoop of crisp and hid it in a sealed container under the onions in the fridge...MUHAHAHAHA!

It was damn good.. and there was no question about that!

Roadside Gratitude

Yesterday was a very good day for a few reasons!  Gratitude fell from the sky like dripping paint onto the canvas of my day.  Some things were silly, some reconfirming.

The first few months of this year have been $ tight to say the least - just timing I suppose.  I'm still working like a dog, upping the ante on debt repayment yet the timing of my compensation (every 2 weeks) has rendered a situation of 'well i can pay half the heat now and the other half in a couple of weeks.' I must say psychologically it landed me back to a time a few years ago when I was really in trouble, unable to make ends meet and facing a wall of debt.  I had to verbally and journally remind myself that it isn't the same nightmare even tho my brain delivered me there in a flash.  So when I find myself that way I reconfirm my commitments to becoming solvent, debt free, and more sustainable.  It may sound silly but it gets me through.  I just come up for air, take a gulp, and keep pushing forward.

A friend of mine recently said 'But Crisy, aren't you embarrassed to part with those types of things..on a blog no less?!'  I was.  Until many people began emailing me (christinedietrich@yahoo.com), facebooking me, grabbing me in the hallway at work and telling me they were so relieved to know they weren't alone in those situations.  This opens up an entire 'we are all in this together' discussion.  Some folks are fine but some of us were never shown certain things, but together, TOGETHER, we are getting through them!  This blog started out as a message in a bottle type of deal...the fact that it makes one persons day brighter and their worry a bit lighter...well...that's just good stuff in my book!

So yesterday was spent catching up on life stuff/house stuff.  So often with my schedule a day off isn't really off - it's just a more domestic work with a few more breaks sprinkled in.  I was able to get outside in natural lighting here and there and breath authentic uncompressed processed air!

The first really awesome thing that happened was I got an explanation from my insurance company on the amount I owe for an xray i had to have when I put the wooden spike through my finger. I had an xray and it was  $398.00.  The insurance provided $98 and my amount due after all was said and done was $9.36.  A slight infection had ensued about 2 weeks ago from the spike and the antibiotics were $10.  I paused and remembered right after my divorce (before walmart carried cheap antibiotics) my two sons and I wound up with horrendous strep throat.  Between 3 separate Dr. visits it was $400 out of pocket - then the heavy duty meds were around $110 each (and I had shopped around) so $330 on that.  I remember sitting in the car in a parking lot with two very very sick little boys and no mercy in sight-facing $730 to get us well.   I considered just getting them the meds but what good is a mom with lockjaw and sepsis?  I cried a hopeless cry, got the meds and went home with a resolve.  My ex was supposed to provide health insurance - that illness was when I found out the insurance he did provide took $3.00 off visits and did not cover meds...totally useless.  My resolve on that rainy night sick in the parking lot was to work a job with decent benefits...And I do - Thank you God.

The second really awesome thing that happened was yesterday my youngest had an orthodontist appt.  I have some dental on my insurance and He was definitely going to need braces from the get go.  I used all of my tax return last year as the down payment 'to get him started' and I pay $150/month (hello second job) out of pocket to Dr. K in Vernon.  Mike missed 3 months - 1 because he was sick, and 2 because there were other bills - so yesterday I was ready to fork over $450 and basically live on food stores and $75 for another two weeks.  I bellied up to the receptionist and after being reprimanded for not having gone, I said "ok so $450?"   'No' she said 'your calculations are off'  GREAT. LATE FEES - I thought.  She picked up a piece of paper....'insurance disbursed a bit so today just $300' My belly went soft.  Thank you God.  When we were done I raced out of there and to the supermarket - we are good for the next 2 weeks and a bit to put by.

The third really awesome thing that happened was the cherry on the cupcake!  Because it's been tight we've been hitting the 'prepper closet' really an oversized pantry that I keep on hand due in part to the weather changes the last few years...we had a power failure for about a week or so a couple of years ago and took refuge at my dads (above ground pool..water to flush toilets as well as a fresh water well...woodstove...bbq - you get the picture)  In such a situation the townhouse becomes a tomb of sorts - a shell - YET ANOTHER REASON FOR SELF SUFFICIENT FARM DREAMS :)  It took the fourth day of that outage to begin to reveal things.  Word spread like wild fire that the pizzeria down the block was on generator and the owner was cooking what they had in the freezers and fridges so it didn't go bad.

Pizza only was what was left.  My father, my son, and I headed down and walked into a sea of people.  Jersey people.  Disgruntled Wait on Me First and Now people all the more agitated by the current events.  We ordered 2 pies and stepped aside and observed.  The next guy ordered 4 pies and was told by the owner there was a 2 pie limit to make sure everyone got some - he was pissed.  The tense energy heightened....The next guy went to pay with a credit card and was told machines were down cash only - He swore and fumed 'who the hell carries cash anymore?!' Ironically his wife had some.  But the damage to his ego was done-he had rightly appeared a dumbass.  We waited more patiently than others who began to get loud.  Another tried to grab a box 'no that's mine I was here first'  It was deteriorating into uncomfortable and ugly.

Then the owner announced freezers were empty whomever ordered would get but no further orders would be taken.  Yells and offers to others to buy a pizza @ double price went up.  Thankfully our pies were ready and we actually left through the side door.  I had never seen my dad so stealthy.  Military training at it's best.  He was in an eerie 'walk quiet and carry a big stick' mode.  And my little one had seen the whole thing.  He didn't talk much of it, but I know he won't forget it.  We ended up driving into Franklin to see if Walmart was open.  The roads beyond were flooded and impassable - like you were trapped in town by the natural barricade.  Walmart was on generator, cash only- THE ENTIRE CAMPING SECTION WAS BARE.  BARE SHELVES.  IN JERSEY.  Grab and go chips and sodas were gone.  I will never forget that.  It hadn't yet been a week.  All my apocalyptic scenarios started going through my head.  A calculation of canned soups and the like in my cupboards spanned my mind.

The power came on and in 48 hours no one seemed to remember that no trucks had run the roads, no food came in...it was business as usual.  Another silent resolve made - buy a little extra each week and put it by...it could be the loss of work, of the grid, or a fuel nightmare but you know the kids will eat Put some by...And I have.

So I have a little pantry with staples which I want to increase not just for me, but for my family, my dad, my brother should we need.  But with a tight budget I can't 'deck it out' I researched shelving - planks really and the lumber proved an expense. that I just can't take on right now...

And yesterday there, on the side of the road  as I drove Mike to the ortho- 2 prepper style, sturdy as hell, canned goods friendly shelving units with a simple sign... 'FREE'   Faith doesn't get more obvious than that folks.

From my mouth to Gods ears... to the side of the road...

It had been a very good day!

Namaste