A Place of Wellness...I am home

I felt like a criminal this morning, like I got something over on 'The system!'  I will be waking up more naturally now that I work in the County!  I can't tell you how happy the dog is with a long morning walk :)

 

This is the view outside my office!  Nature is generous to the point of extravagance!  

One walk outside and the soul is steadied

This is my desk: PLEASE NOTE - Esperanza (my plant), Good Energy (my Himalayan Salt Shard - counteracts the energy of the machines and is a little hearth in my heart :)  

When we have a busy day the Dr. tells me to 'Crank that lamp up!'  Compliance is easy here...

This is what I get to sit in!!! Ergonomic and no fatigue!  

These peeps get me and I get them!

Gratitude to tears folks!

It's no longer what I have to do...It's what I get to do :)

  Namaste

Sirens

"Let the night teach us what we are, and the day what we should be"

-Thomas Tryon, 1691

This was last night.  I went outside because I heard the blaring of sirens everywhere.  If I could imagine a plane crash and the response it would get, that would have been it, I'm sure.  Turns out it was a north-east time of year structure fire.  Most likely a caked chimney, usually always the case.  

The last few days for me have been surreal.  We aren't even at the Full Moon yet (that would be tomorrow) and strange feelings, thoughts, and tears have taken hold of me.  On the outside all is well.  On the inside I am a screaming raging mess.  I have papers due, and laundry, the house is a mess, and there's laundry, bills to be paid, still laundry, health insurance to aquire, did I mention the frigen laundry?  My mother died around now (the body remembers) My dad needs surgery (Fuck is really all I can muster for that at present time) and it's all starting to swirl.  

I left a company that brought me safety, and ultimately bad energy.  I was being forced to sit suicide patients. Those that know me know I spent most of my child and young adult hood dealing with this suicide business and it is my one Achilles heel.  It was the proverbial razor blade that broke the artery of compliance.  No more.  I believe in Socrates;  He taught the simple concept 'Know Thyself.'  And I have come to know myself, I have laughed at myself, been angry with myself, been terrified of myself, but always certain of myself in ways that count (insert thank you for fearless warrior genes here).  I said good-bye.  It's always the people we will miss.  When you spend hours upon hours side by side with other souls your energy begins to dance with them.  That energy was good, it was the dance floor that went tragically wrong.

I loaded up my locker and like the poet Thomas Gray; 'took one last lingering look behind.'  But only one.  I left early, made a getaway amid tears and friendship-Thankfully I've always known when to exit a party.  I felt as though, if I didn't make it down the elevator, I would surely suffocate.  I took the stairs.  I did so with the understanding that next time I showed my mug here (if I ever did) I would be but a guest.  No longer privy to 'secret passages', employee elevators, donuts in the break-room, or staff toilets and never ending twisted jokes about the humanity that holds us all at gunpoint. 

The front lobby doors opened.  The whoosh of outside air was a drink of water after a desert hike.  I crossed the road and the pavement welcomed me.  It wasn't until I saw my little car, my somewhat borrowed car, that the tears started. 

I was leaving a place that had granted me stability, taught me work ethic, taught me that I could live through 16 hour days and wake up and do it again and again.  None of this was lost on me.  I walked away from all of that.  I strapped my huge bag on my back and walked again like a hobo a bit further down this road called life.  The bag is always huge because I find comfort in books.  My Advanced Directive reads: Die in a Library.

With the river to my back, I looked at the sky.  It was brilliant.  Like a paintbrush slashed pink and orange all over a growing inkyness.  I sucked my breath in and realized...actually said out loud "all of my big moments I go alone."  It is the hand I've been dealt.  God won't give you things you can't handle, but I've wondered many times if his assessment of my abilities is a hell of a lot higher than it should be. 

That moment left me with an emotional hangover that lasted a good two days.  I find myself with much compassion for people that retire. The story of my great grandfather took on new meaning "He retired on a Friday, and by Monday he dropped dead."  Yeah, got it now.   You cannot help but feel loss.  But with great loss most times comes a greater gain.  A bad day for the ego is usually a great day for the soul.  Sucks but True.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday off.  No holidays, no weekends.  Out in time to make dinner.  A place of wellness set in teeming meadows 15 minutes from my home.  Good people untouched by corporate bullshit.  

Two young men that still need their mother and hopefully always will have been waiting 5 years for this.  

Last night the sirens screamed terror in our town.  Last night my 16 year old wanted to go out at 10:30pm in a car packed with teenagers, into a black night on twisting turning roads.  My gut quietly said no, so my mouth followed.  I told him it was one night - not the rest of his life.  I also told him had he had his license I may have said yes because he is responsible and I know this.  But I wasn't placing his life in someone else's hands.  Not last night.  The gut is always right.  He accepted this answer because it was the raw truth.  

So sirens blared, my son was pissed but getting over it, my little one wanted to shoot the shit because I haven't seen him.  We talked of video games, typhoons, report cards, and his thoughts.   And the moon kept watch over all of it.

Nothing out of the ordinary really, except it was Friday...and I was home, where I needed to be.

I've lost, I've mourned, it's done. I'm moving on. I am hopeful once again.

Namaste

Keep Walking

Today's walk was frigid but I was bundled up tight.  I went at a quick pace and gulped as much air as I could.  It was fresh and raw.  I thought about the two days I have in front of me.  They will be my last 2 days at the hospital that has employed me for the last 5 years.  The job steadied me in so many ways and help provide for my children, but it was becoming a terribly unhealthy atmosphere.  I have one Achilles heal and it was getting kicked...repeatedly.  I asked for a sign and was granted one.  My angel said 'Pick up your bed and walk.'

I move toward a better opportunity with an 'opposite traffic' everyday commute 15-20 min from home.  A random Saturday every 3 or so months, more hours = more $.  No holidays, no weekends, no kidding.  Benefits are going to cost more but I suppose there is always a compromise.  It all came to be so seamlessly.  I know it could only have been divine intervention.  The staff is caring and the work we do there is positive and good.  The job is so me, it's amazing.

The one thing I am looking forward to is better health inside and out.  It is truly a place of wellness set across from a rolling meadow that stretches into the day like a lazy lover.  I don't begin work until 8AM.  (Far different from the 4:30 wake-up call to rush to traffic to SIT in traffic java'd up and arrive for 7AM.  I did what I had to do to keep the sky from falling.  The sky is safe now, and so am I.

What I am truly in love with is that I will have time for my morning meditation.  I will wake in a more natural manner.  I will be able to take care of my cosmic responsibilities (my children) and make sure their day starts with good energy.  And of course my morning walk which energizes me and clears me like nothing else can.

I rounded the last bend of my walk this morning and passed my boat - Nessie.  And as my feet hit the crunchy pavement as they will, hopefully each morning from Friday on, I began chanting in time with my steps....  Just keep going, Just keep going, Just keep going....Breath, Breath, Breath.

I read a quote years ago by Winston Churchill: "When you are walking through hell, keep walking"  and that my friends is exactly what I have done.  

My life is generous to the point of extravagance and that will never go unnoticed.

Namaste  

Day off Project

There is just something about the fall that makes me intrinsically creative...

This table had been sitting in my fathers shed admid pool supplies, fuel, and leaf-blowers.  He had polished it (nothing escapes Murphy's Soap with my dad) then given it to me to use as a little cottage occasional side table.  Anyone that knows me knows I am a compulsive reader...Anything...EVERYTHING.  So a bedside table was in order.  I brought my son William with me to match the color of my existing bedroom set (cottage white).  $9.50 @ Walmart...

 I gave it a good sanding to rough it up.

I decided to totally 'Bliss Out' with this project.  Out came the space heater that in my mind acted as a little potbelly stove....Was I in a townhouse garage?  No sir- mentally I was in a small cabin working on a project on a dark winter day.  I added an Audio Book - But the mind put Mr. James Wesley Rawles in a rocking chair behind me personally reading his work "Survivors" out loud to his only audience...Me.

For the first time in a long time I didn't rush, I didn't think about work and the transition that is taking my low blood pressure to new heights. I didn't think about insurance plans, next sets of goals, how much $ was in the bank or how much $ wasn't in the bank.  I just breathed and simply painted, slow and smooth, and stayed in the moment.  I allowed myself to be told a story, to feel subtle warmth on my back, and to just create.

I gave it a second coat (more for me than the wood I think) - I just didn't want to get out of the happy cocoon I had created in my garage and my head.  But alas a project completed is a project completed.  I hauled it up the stairs to my bedroom, put the drawer in, gave it a new knob, and admired her...

Winter is moving toward my front door in these parts.  Long dark nights are surely on the way.  One day I will be in my Tiny Home somewhere remote with a small potbelly stove.  But for now my cottage table will hold a lamp with low light bulbs that glow, any number of books that I'm reading, always a glass of water, and the prettiness such a table deserves.

In the end my Little Cottage Table gave far more to me than I could have ever given to her.

Let yourself slow down and enjoy the moment a wee bit more

Namaste

Treading Fear - Let it Be

As I get older, the only thing I know for certain is that change is the only thing I can count on.  Beginning yesterday I was wracked with fear.  I got a terrible review on my paper for my class.  The characters were implausible and one dimensional and my dialogue, according to the review, was unrealistic followed up by "who really speaks like that?!" Well....I do.  Perhaps the review was harsh, perhaps I was oversensitive, perhaps the snippet I wrote about which happens to be my personal life would be unreal to some.  This only led to the conclusion (of which I have known all along to be an unwavering truth) and that is that MY life truly is stranger than fiction.

Having that bomb land on my ass after a class of accolades thus far wounded my pride.  Then I looked around at reality ( i was @ work when I got the email and I work in an intensive care unit) and thought my pride could handle it.  It is a blip on the radar, nothing else, but it still pissed me off.  I am being reviewed by talented people although at 42 I am sure I am the senior citizen of the group.  My professor was gracious enough to say 'why not just start over'  Why not?  That was the first bomb that stoked the kindling of fear to a flame of "What if I don't pass this class?  What if I can't get to the next one? What if I don't graduate? What if I don't get out of these jobs and onto where I belong?  What if I don't belong anywhere?"

Bomb # 2 happened in a more subtle way. Right when I opened my eyes this morning it began.  The choices I have in front of me right now.   Like when you ask for a parachute as a gift and then you are given one and realize this means you must now jump out of a plane. FUDGE.  The what if's ran rampant.  What if I make this switch and wind up hating it?  what if what is dressed as increased professional autonomy lands me in the lake of more accountability and less flexibility time wise? What if the health insurance will be sketchy for a bit and in that time frame I develop some unheard of illness that won't be covered - some brilliant form of explosive anal leakage? I sat in this for a bit and then had a light come on.  Fear in that moment had led me to believe that an undiscovered illness and health insurance disaster was more likely than my ability to work it all out.  What did this say about me? What did this say about Faith.  I laughed out loud as I sat on the lifeguard stand @the beach after my walk.  Even THAT was ironic - Lifeguard stand - No lifeguard - SAVE YOURSELF !

And as I looked over the rippling lake water of fall, an idea for a short story came floating into my mind.  Not the cosmic connected type that flows through my days but a concrete mechanical one that would salvage my grade.  And just as I was about to berate myself for sidestepping art and higher thought for the whoreish exchange of a mechanical story for a decent grade - I forgave myself.  I am only human and maybe this little 'give' will take another step to the freedom of writing for me one day.  Yes?  Yes.  A friend told me to not allow the demon of fear one more second of my precious life energy - good advice I decided to take.  I let my pride go and today will rise to the task at hand.  Mechanical story - check.

As for work - well I am a cosmic person and I feel being open to signs is a big part of who I am.  It always have been, and I hope it will always be as such.  I thought of the new position.  It will be physically healthier. It will be a common goal of wellness.  The schedule will be ok- with time in the morning to devote to my love of nature, walks, and thought.  The time with my fast growing boys will be greatly increased.  The commute will be gone.  The weekends will be mine. Dinner time will ensue.  There will be more balance.  The insurance will be sketchy but life can be sketchy.  Things can go wrong - but I'm putting my chips on Things going right.  Explosive Anal Leakage be damned.

 I left my meditation on the waters edge a bit lighter in spirit and  rounded the gate to my car.  There, in the middle of the faded gray asphalt of the street, in the morning woodland chill, was a Magnificent Deer.  He stopped and stared at me and I stared back at him.  It was chilly enough that his little puffs of breath were visible.  He had antlers.  Not huge, but somewhere in between-kind of where I find myself in life.  They looked a darker brown and fuzzy.  He held them with pride as he paused and raised his head with dignity.  I imagined him saying "Admit it Crisy, you've missed seeing things like me."  And with a nod he turned elegantly and made his way toward the back of someones property that sloped to the water. 

I believe everything is going to work out just fine.

New Chapter

My last few days off have been taken up with things that required immediate attention; Boys who sustained injuries in sports (both will be fine), Payments that needed addressing (Most will be fine), Paperwork that needed ink (Fine Fine)  A seemingly endless supply of clothes to launder, and other things that can cause time to simply evaporate under the best intentions.  But this morning?  This morning was all mine!

It was a balmy 29 degrees when I drove the boys to school.  I contemplated rushing home to tend to the dishes in the sink among other 'must do's' on my ever growing list.  But the call of the wild was far greater by far and would not be ignored - Like a lover on a night lit by the moon I ventured out.  I bundled up and found myself at the lake where I had grown up to make the trek around.  

Some days the veil of my age lifts and I can hear my friends and I splashing in the summer sun, with a radio drifting the day away for us.  Or I mentally map out where every single bon-fire took place, every kiss, every tear.  Pieces of my energy are still there like scattered shards of diamonds and they call to me.  I find such comfort in them though they do on occasion bring tears to eyes that have seen so much since those innocent beautiful dragging days and nights.   

And I walk.  And I breath.  And I let it all wash over me.  Because it is such a part of me, it is sometimes hard to tell where it starts and I end, so I've learned to just let it be.

I have reached a point where I am in a better position to know what is best for me, to not have to compromise quite so much on things that shift my soul and my innate sense of purpose.  A long phone call in my car (sometimes the only place for privacy in a busy home)  left me grateful with the hope of possibility.  It has been 8 long years the last 5 of them spent suffering from my own over-vigilance.  Like a child that exhausts themselves with a ball, I couldn't let everything hit the ground.  I kept watch, I kept working 2 sometimes 3 jobs then home to my most important job of being a mother.  Sleepless nights where I would blink and the alarm would sound - I pushed my soul, I pushed my bones, I pushed with everything I had and alot of what I didn't have.  I drew on strength.  I prayed.  I swore.  Then I prayed some more.  On nights I couldn't pray for me I prayed for others, people who were good, people who had hurt me, people who had saved me.  I wrote until my fingers just about bled in journals - hopes- dreams- goals - over and over and over.  Brainwashing myself that it was all possible, and not to give up - not to be a surface person that lost that face, the simple face of hope.  I found the fear of being that way is the other side of the coin now.  How do I not be that way?  How do I, in a steadying that has literally taken years,  let worry now drift away like the mist of morning on a sunny day?

This fall finds me making choices for the health of my mind, my body, and my family.  These choices are mine to make.  If I fall on my ass at anytime I won't stay down, I've got what it takes, this I know.  I now have choices as opposed to dire decisions.  I am humble when I think of that girl 5 years ago that sat cross-legged on her bedroom floor in a sea of paper vowing to do whatever it took to get in a better place.  God and the Universe smiled on her that day and struck a deal.  She would work hard, struggle with doubt and fear but in exchange for that and trust in what she couldn't see - all would be delivered.  Maybe not all at once, but in time, in circumstance, in faith.  Life would not let her down.

This fall finds me changing with the leaves and onto places that will serve the whole being. I am putting myself through school and making employment choices that align with who I truly am.  I have grown in so many ways.  I have learned so much.  I love my life because it is mine and no one else's.  

My walk was humbling, reflective, and exciting.  And all I could do when I finished was to stand by the water gulping the brisk fresh air, gaze at the forest that was for a moment, all mine and raise my eyes to the sky and simply whisper... Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

Here's to a new notebook, and the next chapter.

Namaste

Tiny Home Web pic

One day I'm gonna live big in a tiny home :)

The Boys

Boys Boys

Bigger than me - Teeming with LIFE

Soaked with dew.

Boys that came from a thought, from the stars.  

Here Now. Here Before. Here Ever More.

Boys.

My Boys.

The pride expands

Blue eyes; one Navy, one Sky.

Boys held my hand when all was new, kissed my lips goodnight.

My Cheeks rolled with tears at their love.

They grew like plants in a sacred garden in the deepest soil that is my soul.

My air I would give.  My life is theirs.

I see their strength, their hearts...Like lions pulsing in the mist at dawn.

They stand with purpose.  Their Life set before them like an endless Meadow.

Raw Beauty.  Raw Love.

The hope of eternity rests easy on their shoulders.

Good Boys.

The Last thing I could hope to gaze upon before I take my last breath.

The very best thing I ever could have hoped to have done was them.

I keep them safe - I hold them up.

From the beginning. Now to the End.

My Boys.  My Sons.

The World Smiles on You.

Such a Gift.

One Navy.  One Sky.

Only Love.

My Boys.

$23

Let's face it, this is the original carpet in my townhouse.  It was very tired, very off color, stained, God knows what else!  It had seen a corporate tenant, a tenant family, and last but not least a couple (total whack jobs but great credit and the check came on time every single month!)  They supposedly had more cats than any of my neighbors could count, and when I moved in I found clues alluding to the fact that they had kept rabbits for feed. Did I mention the check came on time every month???

It took a good year before I was able to STOP discovering strange things they had done...another blog.  I also heard that he would play the bongos @2AM. sigh.   So we've been here going on 3 years now - worked my ass off to get back in - and as most of you know working my cerebral ass off trying to get the mortgage lowered.  Even though the market seems to be bouncing back a bit the comps are killing any realistic pricing for those of us that would like to sell without leaving our kidneys on the table.  

Many know I have been working on personal debt for a long time and am finally seeing the exit sign and a credit score that has risen from the dead.  I've got 3 solid months left of certain payments that I sat on my bedroom floor and designed for myself 5 years ago.  There is now a frugality that will never leave my bones, I have reassessed alot; friendships& relationships.  What things are worth both monetarily and emotionally.  What I can live but more importantly what I can live without.  And the whole time I've been navigating these things under the growing scrutiny and awareness of my children always with the thought of "How will this impact them? And what am I teaching them?"  How does this relate to shot carpet?...

"Mom when are we going to pergo the stairs going to the basement?" 

"Honey Mommy's trying to save $ so not for a while"

"Mom let's just be productive and rip it up...I bet I could porch paint them for $25, they would look nicer, be cleaner and you wouldn't spend that much I promise"

So with gloves on and a few hours of sweat the carpet came off, then the padding which crumbled like some toxic crap, then a million little staples.  The staples took the longest, but we went at it with needle nose pliers he on the down case, I on the up...

There had been some glue and spackle and drippy paint so the first born pulls a hand sander out of the garage (I didn't even know we had one...)

Look at him...LOOK!  I gave birth to that genius!!!

And in no time he porch painted an otherwise totally avoidable area.

And It came in at a cost of $23

Ask me why I love this kid who at such a young age is based in reality?

Children are the anchor that tether a mother to life - Namaste

I'm a Little Tea Pot...

Shakespeare speaks of the eyes being the windows to the soul...They seek out like.  When I saw this little teapot in a random store called "The Food Barn" I had to have it.  I had been back in my house about 3 years and was still making tea in a small sauce pot.  

I just couldn't find anything that really struck me as a 'desire'. A glass one wouldn't survive a week in this house, an avant garde one just wouldn't fit and I would become resentful.  I needed something as comforting as a real wool blanket. Though it sounds silly, tea is a very big part of my life.  It's kind of a Celtic thing I believe.  Tea will get you through most things.  It's there at Births, Funerals, Big News, Little News, Sick bellies and when a chill hits you just  right.

So there I was getting a H.U.G.E. teenage boy sandwich when I started walking around this store.  It seems to be misplaced, like some converted double garage on the outskirts of the local air strip in town.  Yet it trucks on.  I believe they bought inventory from yet another this-n-that store in town that had become collateral damage to the big box stores.  No longer could you get a unique gift, or canning supplies, or real hand dipped candles when these shrines to consumerism moved in but we watched in horror as our beloved 'haunts' went under one by one.  Throw in a back breaking economy and cheap as hell crap from china and it spelled certain doom for our local True Value, Ben Franklin, and Rockaway Sales stores that my generation grew up on.  

So the Food Barn seems to sit there like a little rebel, a hold out, a stand off - I frequent these spots as much as I can.  So while waiting for a sandwich, I started browsing.  And there She was like a little lady with a classic dress on...My Little Tea Pot.  She's just metal - almost like a little issued mess-kit to go camping in. Her lid has a little black button type top and the handle will pull the skin off your hands if you don't use an oven mitt.  Still... She's a charmer.  I flipped her over and spotted the worn orange price sticker $3.00.  

And she's been with me ever since.  She's smaller than a big box pot...you will only get 2 cups at a time with her.  She's tough (like her owner), she can handle a few small dents, a drop, and has gotten her ass burned more than once.  She scrubs up pretty good though - a soak in vinegar and water and a steel wool pad shines her up nice.  She's constant - always there when I need her.

It's proved a good marriage for she still makes me smile.  The best $3 I ever spent!

What a wonderful thing on a day such as this to remember the homemade turkey soup I had frozen

...It's the little things that bring the biggest comforts :)

A Party of One

When you  work in a hospital they have this little glitch...being called off.  I work in a specialty unit - ICU and when the patient census goes low (amount of patients there) They do a Census Reduction.  They decide you may not be needed for the day and call you @5AM to tell you to stay home.  For me it's sort of like a snow day...except it's July.

The panic with being called off is that you can dip into your time bank and take 12 hours of earned PTO (paid time off) or just take the day without pay.  I had the time so I didn't mind the 5AM 'Don't come in call'

I've been having a bit of a rough time lately trying to figure things out..ironically I became somewhat non-verbal.  I didn't really call any friends to 'run it by them' very few people even knew things were out of balance.  Well...people that are quite close to me DID know, they always know.  I wound up taking ill, I believe it may have been a physical manifestation of the chaos that's been building...or it could've been a virus, sure...but my gut tells me different and it's yet to be wrong.

 I spoke with Cheryl quite a bit.  She is most likely one of the closest people to me...a voice of reason in an (at times) unreasonable existence.  A few months ago she threw her hands up and said to the Universe 'Do what you will I can't fight anymore'  And the Universe did what it always does...it came through.  She now lives by the ocean (a lifelong dream) has a wonderful job with all the bells and whistles that makes one secure. And is in her own space - which she said I can visit whenever, God bless her little heart!  In my 2 steps away from despair Cheryl's happiness was a beam of sunlight through a dark window.  My heart swelled for her and pure happiness pours from it every time I think of her and Sasha on the sand!  A completely new life in a matter of days.

I had been over identifying with things at work AND at home.  I finally realized we are the sum of many parts and not any ONE thing.  42 years old and I'm still making these little discoveries and I hope to say the same @ 92 yrs old.

A few months ago I was told by my college of my choice that to return and finish my degree I would have to write a letter explaining my hiatus and why they should consider me to return.  I sat looking at a blank screen for a long long time.  Then I thought of the one thing that has always gotten me through everything...THE TRUTH.  Crisy, I said to myself out loud, just. tell. the. truth.  15 minutes later I had finished the letter but could barely see it through the tears.  I slapped a stamp on it and dropped it in the mail as fast as I could in case my nerve gave way.  It was done.  It was in a federal mail box.  I couldn't take it back.  They could shoot me dead if I tried. God Bless the USA.

My outlook became grim.  I heard nothing.  I tried to think of a plan B but it just wouldn't come.  It was one of those life moments where you could make a right or go left or just stay straight.  I just kept walking.  And the days seemed strange.  Things swirled around me.  Things I had no control over.  Money things. House things. Work things. Relationship things.  Where the hell was I going?  Metaphorically I looked around.  I was in the woods in my soul and couldn't see how I got there.  My attitude really began to suck.

Then a message in a bottle made its way onto my little island.  I was welcomed back into the English program at college...just like that.  But there toward the bottom of a generic 'yeah yeah you're in' letter was a personal note "Your letter was an inspiration, passionate, we look forward to having you back.."  Tears. The fear of being lost in the woods ebbed away.  I realized I had always had myself and my truth.

BACK TO TODAY - So I woke up to a day that I decided was truly MINE.  I did Hatha Yoga.  I Meditated - I loved certain people from my past that hurt me and just let it go, I loved certain people from recent times that hurt me and I just let them go - my heart felt healed.  I walked around my fathers lake then stood in the water that I swam in as a child, we leave bits of energy always, in many ways I will always be there.  

I headed up to a nearby mountain where there is a state park, I plunked down $ and rented a Kayak and took my first solo trip around the small islands there.  Aquatic plants that stretched up from the bottom caressed my craft and whispered to me. Their new growth made it look as though they were illuminated from the bottom, a sun in the murky mud perhaps?  I sat back sweaty in that dance between surface and sky and I let the wind move me.  When I was finished I hiked through trails, passed abandoned campsites with only the crunch of my shoes on gravel to listen to. I'm keeping these old sneakers to hike, until they fall apart with miles and stories only I know.  I believe we can walk through anything if we have sure footing.

Today was my celebration.  A party of one.  Sometimes you need to lose your way to get back on track.

Namaste

Morning

I have never understood people that say they "Hate the Morning".  Never.  I have always had a torrid love affair with them!  Especially a morning after a great rain...which is where I found myself today at the crack of dawn.

There is just something about the light that comes on, knowing the rate we are barreling through the universe at, but the light...it comes on soft...dim at first...then slowly like a delicious kiss it is full blown in its desire for you to see it - to really see it.

The potentiality that daybreak holds has always humbled me.  A single morning can have you changing the entire course of your life - I know because I've done it.  After a good nights sleep, or a terrible broken dream slumber daybreak is there.  An unsuspecting ally.  If morning can be there, so can you.  A day can pull you through life.  And when you stumble upon a day of illness, of heart, body, or mind... well fear not because there will be a daybreak tomorrow and you can grab onto it at that point. 

When we buried my grandfather I sat in my fathers car with my grandmother.  They had seen a complete life with one another and all of the sudden she was alone and grief stricken. Her face was slack and scared in a way that spooked me.  I was quiet... but watching.  She put her little bony hand (same size as mine) with the slightly in-bent pinkys (same as mine) and looked at my with eyes colored a gentle sky and said "Aye tomorrow will come"  And it did.  And many after as well.

Morning for humans has become an angry race sometimes.  Wake. Shower. Dress. Rip yourself from your family and daily toil of life (hello the way we are meant to live).  Java up baby. Burn Gas. Punch in. Enjoy a right angle garishly lit day....

Not all bad though, I was chatting with a friend who said they like their job, feel good about the work they do - and I get that - moments of satisfaction and happiness - may we all be so lucky.

Mornings are holy, another day, a cosmic gift.  Days off see me surrounded by water, visiting my places of worship - Lakes, Paths, Snow melts and the damp the wet earth to which I hold kinship. A damp wet earth, like me, is ready to receive natures riddled gifts of extravagance and hope.  With a hot cup of tea and a nod to those who came before I go open into the day.

I love Morning.

The treasure revealed

So I've come to appreciate Urban Hiking.  When I first found it I thought "what is it and do I need a weapon?"  

Apparently it was the push back movement to being gridlocked.  Pack a bag take off on foot and see what you miss from a car window. Like a cat you can literally climb, hike, explore things that are off limits in normal every day travel.   I had the recent opportunity to take my first Urban Hike in Ocean City NJ.  I found it while staying with a friend who had a big job interview...

"Crisy come down the shore with me - I have to do a working interview for three days, you would be on your own, minutes from the beach, it's totally paid for and you've just been so stressed may you would like..."

"Yes yes and yes and did I mention...YES!" 

So I set off with backpack, ipod, water, a towel and $14 on an urban hike I found printed in the local coffee shop.  TEN MILE URBAN HIKE - WORTH IT.

And it was.

So this weekend I find myself in a small town called Cambridge.  I was to camp and milk goats - both got cancelled.  So for the high falutin price of $55/night I'm staying in an old roadside motel with a placebo Air Conditioner and a shower head that is a glorified hose....camping ...sort of.

Always the early riser I was up at dawn and stepped outside finding it cooler than the sauna like quarters.  I got that little excited feeling - urban hike!

I grabbed my shoes and hit the sidewalk.  In retrospect many would think this dangerous - NJ Woman heads out at crack of dawn with no ID and no direction. But honestly folks I am in Mayberry, Im not joking. 

I roughly estimated a 5 mile loop.  I get the feeling this is the place you come to settle if you're able to secure very...well...secure employment OR you have a nice pension.  I understand it gets so cold here in the winter things just break.  I'm not easily broken so I am figuring my 5 year plan with gusto.  This fall both boys are in highschool, I return to school.  I work my ass off, sock away more and when the boys set off on their life - this is where I will be.  Simple right:? Exciting? O honey you have no idea!

This was a town that hit it's peak with the railroad and much of it still intact.  Now there is a bohemian vibe and being about 15 min from VT there is an undertone of New England charm with the chipped edges of self reliance.  You bring that which you are and revel in it.

I returned to my room/shed quite a bit later sweaty and happy.  Under the hose shower I listened to my heart.  Sometimes things have to erode to reveal the treasure... I'm drawing the map on my soul...

Namaste  

Reboot

The Battenkill River, NY

So finally I found the small town my son Michael knows of only in dreams...Cambridge, NY.  There is a grocery store, a hardware store, a gallery, eateries, a library, a doctor, a cafe, a coffee shop, a bakery, a bookstore (sorry you know I love you Amazon, but there still is nothing like spacing out in a bookstore for an hour or so!)  And every inch of if can be had on a bike or on foot!

Railroad tracks waiting to be brought back to life at full capacity.  Strange warehouse/factory like structures silently wait their turn...again.  I'm telling you if global economy and Life As We Know it tanks, the infrastructure of the small town shall reign supreme once more!  And I think we may all be human again.

The height of this afternoon rang in at a balmy 91 degrees, very warm in these parts for the last page before June.  I walked through a covered bridge and smelled the wood.  I grabbed once icy cold beer and footed a path...

The ferns were HUGE! Sorry I missed out on the frying of the fiddleheads...maybe next year?  I followed it a  bit and passed on some turns, finally tho I settled on a small eddy where the water rested as did I.

The water proved as cold as my beer and just as invigorating.  I sat in silence.  I became swept in the movement of the life flow that meandered before me.  The rocks had stolen some heat from the sun.  Occasionally a kayak or a pontoon barge (yes hand made) floated by.  The people were joyful for who doesn't recognize water as a birth right, a life-giver, a star fixer?

If the ocean is the earth breathing, a river is surely a child being.  Only freshwater can dance in ribbons on the stones made round from caresses over time.  It is bathe-able, drinkable, and healing.  My heart may be in turmoil, but the river washes the soul clean.  

And all at once I breathed in the Universe...for I had missed her and she had missed me.

Namaste

Summer

Finally Summer

The Secret Gardens...

So the last few weeks of work have been nothing short of grueling.  Fluorescent lighting and corporate hawk like analysis (We are spending too much on sticky notes...kill me) set the stage for very high frustration.  I innately fear my loss of autonomy in times like this...yet another nod to the life I am shifting towards.

So I staved off another migraine on Friday and went into the weekend determined to get as much fresh air and sunlight as possible believing that this would both clear my mind and spirit of residual negative energy.  I was a bit apprehensive Monday as I woke @ 4:30 to ready myself and household for the day.  I ended up leaving early, pushing myself into the week with gusto.  I listened to my book on CD during my morning commute.  The roads I take are now second nature.  I allowed myself to just stay in the moment with no expectations other than that of a hopeful and good work week.

I found my mind perseverating on the finish of the last week and the meeting that totally pissed me off and I suddenly decided it would not take over the morning.  Last week would stay in last week.

We've all had the wind knocked out of our sails and we try to mend them.  Mental pep talks and centered smiles because we know there is a bigger picture, a bigger plan at work.  But negative thoughts I find are like mosquitoes in the Amazon - enough of them will surely drain you of your life force.  I've learned to wait these things out, to stop feeding them and like a candle without oxygen - they will snuff out.

I wanted to be a bit early so I had left early.  I arrived 45 minutes ahead of time...I didn't want to be quite THAT early.

It was a bit chilly out, but I find that and a steaming cup of coffee in the chill quite invigorating.  I'm best in the morning but the work schedule I keep makes a morning fitness routine almost impossible...unless of course I wake up @3AM.  I had to draw the line somewhere so I have gone without my love of a run in the AM for quite some time.  However I didn't calculate the earlier arrival with traffic patterns.  There were literally very few people on the road so I invariably could have a 45 minute span of time and already be at the doorstep of my employment.  hmmmmmm

I suppose I could come in yoga pants....I suppose I could bring my headphones...I supposed I could grab a run, then coffee, then arrive at my desk with a negative caloric balance hmmmmmmmmm

Our facility is set loverlooking a river.  It was the dream of two nuns to erect a place of wellness.  I think all humans equate water with healing on some level.  I drove toward the developments that lay behind the hospital but the shoulder of that road would certainly prove unsafe given psychotic morning commuters.  I decided to see if the main road was any better.  Ironically it was given the sidewalks.  Cars could still zoom by but I wouldn't feel forced to perform a military jump every time they did.

So I began hatching a plan (which I always find tantalizing)  I would try to get at least 30 min head clearing cardio in before work, in the cool air close to the river.  My simple goal would be to jog in one direction for 15-20 min then turn back!  The negative energy that had plagued me from the week before began to evaporate with the mist by the water.  As I slowly drove the path I would take something caught in my line of vision...a gigantic riotess garden in the early stages of spring!

Had some cosmic unmet soul friend of mine done the unthinkable?  Did they convert their entire front manicured lawn into a garden?!  With a goofy smile I turned into a side street to retrace back and grab a better look.

As I slowly drove up, my smile grew and a joyous feeling filled my heart for before me lay not one garden but many!  The marque heralded me to a grand Community Garden!!  It proved completely deserted at this hour of morning so I slowly rolled my car into it's dirt path.  To the left the gardens looked to be 10x12 plots and lay 3 deep, to my right 2 deep and about 10-15 one after the other.  I stopped in the middle of it and sighed in gratitude to the sky.  Once again the Universe delivered extravagantly!  And just like that all was well and I was more than ready to take on Monday!

Namaste
Good Energy to you and the gardens you've yet to discover!

Lincoln Edgar

Every Farm Needs a Barn-Cat

Enter into our lives

Lincoln Edgar Dietrich

The journey is everything!

Spring

Nature never did betray the heart that loved her

-Wordsworth

Beyond the Deep

There is always the Deeper

Words

Tonight I call on Words...I need them. 

 All that came before - All that will come after - All that ever were

I will borrow your strength, Show you my Tears, Bare you my soul

I will caress you and love you

I will hold you in a box so you cannot hurt me

So there is no sting

Not anymore

I will set you free on the night air

I will bleed for you

I will rejoice with you

I will light candles and pray with you

When you are no more

They will still be

Once spoken words, remembered

They will be babbling all lyrics that set the lightening to the mountain

They will shower like rain on that night so long ago

They are sometimes all I have

Just words

Agnes

I've been going through some tough stuff lately - So I went to visit my little fluffies...this one is a Wisdom Keeper for sure... Agnes.  When I laid it all down for her...laid it on the line what I was dealing with I realized she was looking at me intently.  She didn't even budge when I got close to grab a pic.  

This look says to me "Well did you think life was going to be perfect??? Put on your big girl panties  and get on with it!    Are ye daft?...Don't make me tell you again!!"

Yes...it seems I am looking for appreciation in all the wrong places...  But she did some meditative cooing and all was well...Sometimes it's good to unload on someone that you know can keep a secret :)

Here it is...My Moment of Zen

Very Cool Coop!

This is a pic of a cool coop I found on neato.com! Mine won't be quite 

THAT creative but I am happy to report it IS coming along nicely! 

A Future Plan...

NEED TO KNOW | Living large: A look inside the tiny house movement | PBS

My favorite comment in this video was a girl that said she wanted to be out of the 'Debt Culture' You Go, Girl!

Seek that which you desire to become

The Apprentice

Think today about that which you would like to become.  The cobbler in making learns at the Master Cobblers side.  The baker in the making's dough rises beside the Ancient Bakers.  The writer dips his pen in the ink of the Wordsmith.  All that we desire our hearts seek.  Become an Apprentice of this Life and in turn find a skill that sets your heart ablaze and learn it today, if for no one but yourself

Become Full

Namaste