As I get older, the only thing I know for certain is that change is the only thing I can count on. Beginning yesterday I was wracked with fear. I got a terrible review on my paper for my class. The characters were implausible and one dimensional and my dialogue, according to the review, was unrealistic followed up by "who really speaks like that?!" Well....I do. Perhaps the review was harsh, perhaps I was oversensitive, perhaps the snippet I wrote about which happens to be my personal life would be unreal to some. This only led to the conclusion (of which I have known all along to be an unwavering truth) and that is that MY life truly is stranger than fiction.
Having that bomb land on my ass after a class of accolades thus far wounded my pride. Then I looked around at reality ( i was @ work when I got the email and I work in an intensive care unit) and thought my pride could handle it. It is a blip on the radar, nothing else, but it still pissed me off. I am being reviewed by talented people although at 42 I am sure I am the senior citizen of the group. My professor was gracious enough to say 'why not just start over' Why not? That was the first bomb that stoked the kindling of fear to a flame of "What if I don't pass this class? What if I can't get to the next one? What if I don't graduate? What if I don't get out of these jobs and onto where I belong? What if I don't belong anywhere?"
Bomb # 2 happened in a more subtle way. Right when I opened my eyes this morning it began. The choices I have in front of me right now. Like when you ask for a parachute as a gift and then you are given one and realize this means you must now jump out of a plane. FUDGE. The what if's ran rampant. What if I make this switch and wind up hating it? what if what is dressed as increased professional autonomy lands me in the lake of more accountability and less flexibility time wise? What if the health insurance will be sketchy for a bit and in that time frame I develop some unheard of illness that won't be covered - some brilliant form of explosive anal leakage? I sat in this for a bit and then had a light come on. Fear in that moment had led me to believe that an undiscovered illness and health insurance disaster was more likely than my ability to work it all out. What did this say about me? What did this say about Faith. I laughed out loud as I sat on the lifeguard stand @the beach after my walk. Even THAT was ironic - Lifeguard stand - No lifeguard - SAVE YOURSELF !
And as I looked over the rippling lake water of fall, an idea for a short story came floating into my mind. Not the cosmic connected type that flows through my days but a concrete mechanical one that would salvage my grade. And just as I was about to berate myself for sidestepping art and higher thought for the whoreish exchange of a mechanical story for a decent grade - I forgave myself. I am only human and maybe this little 'give' will take another step to the freedom of writing for me one day. Yes? Yes. A friend told me to not allow the demon of fear one more second of my precious life energy - good advice I decided to take. I let my pride go and today will rise to the task at hand. Mechanical story - check.
As for work - well I am a cosmic person and I feel being open to signs is a big part of who I am. It always have been, and I hope it will always be as such. I thought of the new position. It will be physically healthier. It will be a common goal of wellness. The schedule will be ok- with time in the morning to devote to my love of nature, walks, and thought. The time with my fast growing boys will be greatly increased. The commute will be gone. The weekends will be mine. Dinner time will ensue. There will be more balance. The insurance will be sketchy but life can be sketchy. Things can go wrong - but I'm putting my chips on Things going right. Explosive Anal Leakage be damned.
I left my meditation on the waters edge a bit lighter in spirit and rounded the gate to my car. There, in the middle of the faded gray asphalt of the street, in the morning woodland chill, was a Magnificent Deer. He stopped and stared at me and I stared back at him. It was chilly enough that his little puffs of breath were visible. He had antlers. Not huge, but somewhere in between-kind of where I find myself in life. They looked a darker brown and fuzzy. He held them with pride as he paused and raised his head with dignity. I imagined him saying "Admit it Crisy, you've missed seeing things like me." And with a nod he turned elegantly and made his way toward the back of someones property that sloped to the water.
I believe everything is going to work out just fine.
