My last few days off have been taken up with things that required immediate attention; Boys who sustained injuries in sports (both will be fine), Payments that needed addressing (Most will be fine), Paperwork that needed ink (Fine Fine) A seemingly endless supply of clothes to launder, and other things that can cause time to simply evaporate under the best intentions. But this morning? This morning was all mine!
It was a balmy 29 degrees when I drove the boys to school. I contemplated rushing home to tend to the dishes in the sink among other 'must do's' on my ever growing list. But the call of the wild was far greater by far and would not be ignored - Like a lover on a night lit by the moon I ventured out. I bundled up and found myself at the lake where I had grown up to make the trek around.
Some days the veil of my age lifts and I can hear my friends and I splashing in the summer sun, with a radio drifting the day away for us. Or I mentally map out where every single bon-fire took place, every kiss, every tear. Pieces of my energy are still there like scattered shards of diamonds and they call to me. I find such comfort in them though they do on occasion bring tears to eyes that have seen so much since those innocent beautiful dragging days and nights.
And I walk. And I breath. And I let it all wash over me. Because it is such a part of me, it is sometimes hard to tell where it starts and I end, so I've learned to just let it be.
I have reached a point where I am in a better position to know what is best for me, to not have to compromise quite so much on things that shift my soul and my innate sense of purpose. A long phone call in my car (sometimes the only place for privacy in a busy home) left me grateful with the hope of possibility. It has been 8 long years the last 5 of them spent suffering from my own over-vigilance. Like a child that exhausts themselves with a ball, I couldn't let everything hit the ground. I kept watch, I kept working 2 sometimes 3 jobs then home to my most important job of being a mother. Sleepless nights where I would blink and the alarm would sound - I pushed my soul, I pushed my bones, I pushed with everything I had and alot of what I didn't have. I drew on strength. I prayed. I swore. Then I prayed some more. On nights I couldn't pray for me I prayed for others, people who were good, people who had hurt me, people who had saved me. I wrote until my fingers just about bled in journals - hopes- dreams- goals - over and over and over. Brainwashing myself that it was all possible, and not to give up - not to be a surface person that lost that face, the simple face of hope. I found the fear of being that way is the other side of the coin now. How do I not be that way? How do I, in a steadying that has literally taken years, let worry now drift away like the mist of morning on a sunny day?
This fall finds me making choices for the health of my mind, my body, and my family. These choices are mine to make. If I fall on my ass at anytime I won't stay down, I've got what it takes, this I know. I now have choices as opposed to dire decisions. I am humble when I think of that girl 5 years ago that sat cross-legged on her bedroom floor in a sea of paper vowing to do whatever it took to get in a better place. God and the Universe smiled on her that day and struck a deal. She would work hard, struggle with doubt and fear but in exchange for that and trust in what she couldn't see - all would be delivered. Maybe not all at once, but in time, in circumstance, in faith. Life would not let her down.
This fall finds me changing with the leaves and onto places that will serve the whole being. I am putting myself through school and making employment choices that align with who I truly am. I have grown in so many ways. I have learned so much. I love my life because it is mine and no one else's.
My walk was humbling, reflective, and exciting. And all I could do when I finished was to stand by the water gulping the brisk fresh air, gaze at the forest that was for a moment, all mine and raise my eyes to the sky and simply whisper... Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
Here's to a new notebook, and the next chapter.
Namaste
