There is no damsel in distress. There is no prince riding in on a horse. There is only me.
I have been blessed with wonderful friends, the best friends any girl could ask for. Many of them understand me completely yet there are many that still find themselves perplexed at my independent nature and would like nothing more than seeing me married off...been there...done that...burned the T-shirt.
Don't get me wrong I love seeing a good relationship and admire the camaraderie that ensues with daily things; going to the farmers market, a movie and dinner, cooking together, making love, finishing eachothers sentences etc etc. And then there is me.
I never would have thought being an independent individual would conjure up such visceral reactions in this day and age.
"Well of course you must be lonely" At times, but aren't we all? I've long had experiences of being surrounded by people, yet feeling alone. I've also had those times when I walk through the forests solo and feel completely loved and connected. I usually get a shake of the head, as if this is so untenable it must be a malfunction in the way I'm wired. No, it's just me.
"Well don't you miss someone to talk with?" I have any number of people to call, to go see, to have coffee with, yet many times I have found the greatest conversations are with myself; and they require no words.
"Don't you miss lovemaking." At times, yet I can make love to myself in any number of ways; a fresh plate of just picked tomatoes, learning a new skill, deep meditation or prayer, standing in a cold stream naked, walking under the moon humbled and owned.
"Don't you want there to be someone?" There is someone - there is me. I've rarely felt lack in my my own company. And that is not a narcissistic comment. It is a settling of self.
"Maybe things have happened to you and this just makes you feel safer?" I am always safe. Even in the throes of madness, great sadness, abuse, fear, neglect, happiness, I am always safe. I am self assured, for a woman this is such a hot debate it shocks me. I have faced great fear, hatred, discrimination but consistently understood who I was and where I sat in its play.
"Maybe you don't like men, maybe you like women?" I love both. It isn't that I don't like men, quite the opposite I love them. Men move the world, men are to bake bread for, to suture wounds, to kiss, to love, to cherish. But so are ourselves no?
The wonderful thing is that I don't need to consult with anyone, the sad thing (at times) is that I don't need to consult anyone. If I choose to, then so be it. But I don't need to. I feel sad for women that feel they need to ask permission for things. I feel bad for women that feel they need to fade into the background when a male enters the room.
Every relationship we find ourselves in has a give and take, a plus and minus, and the relationship I have with myself is no different. I feel blessed every single day to be self aware, to know who I am. I may not always have a handle on my life - but I always have a handle on me in that respect. Know thyself. Self knowledge has been heralded as the highest form of knowledge - and all else stems from there. To deny that on any level is a crime against the very soul. Harm none, not even yourself. Many will try to take that power of you knowing yourself. They will try to make you believe that they know better. YOU HAVE COME EQUIPPED. The great intelligence that created you did so in in such a way that you only have to look inside to navigate the outside. Remember this. My youth was a rocky road of people who (when I look back now) feared the power that was in me. They feared the energy that surrounded me. I grew up a bit uncertain fed by egoists that desired to keep that feeling going. Some of them were close to me, some of them were supposed to act as guideposts. The most wonderful thing that ever happened to me was self realization. That I am everything, and nothing. This life is mine.
When I look in the mirror I don't see an accessory, I don't see dessert. I see a full course meal, and in this life, I am hungry and fed simultaneously. Be fearless. Be whole
Namaste
