(photo tripadvisor)
It's a little after 5AM and I am on my small deck with the full moon light still visible on the forest. I was a lovely moon - they always are, and are always welcome. I went to my brothers house and then became quite tired and came home to celebrate the moon myself. With fall upon us my body has once again reset and I am rising early - kayaking in the mist - and tiring early afternoon only to resurge again later.
I feel energized to do home improvements. The other day I ripped out carpeting dug a billion staples out of sub flooring and bleached the wood. Today's project will entail caulking the shower in my bathroom. And although I am grateful for the motivation, especially after the spell I seemed to have been under most of the summer, there is a low level of something. The 'what if' madness is beginning again. I am trying to counteract it with positive thought, faith in all that is and will be, and trying to sit in the knowledge that we are always exactly where we should be.
I applied at some schools and was offered a few positions. None of them teaching - but they were close. Sometimes I feel pigeon holed in because I have to keep the day job. I don't have the rich hubby to take care of things while I go explore my career goals. Every time I go there I pull myself out with affirmations that it will all work, I am smart enough, I am resilient enough, and that I have come all of this way. Believe me it can be an effort to constantly pull yourself up - but there isn't anyone else to do it for me; nor should their be. Why do these thoughts find us at 3AM like an adult bogey man preying on our minds? We must be vigilant, We must be strong.
I cannot attend grad school this fall which was a blow to my anticipation for sure. It was a financial thing - bottom line. For only one class there wasn't a student loan in the world that would work. But that's ok because I took it as a sign that there are other things that need tending. Thursday I have an interview for a second job that will bring in the extra $ needed. I'm hoping to catch up and bank some of that as I continue to spend less and less. This is a constant minding and sometimes it gets exhausting - but as the head of this household I must keep my eyes on the bigger goals for everyone involved and that includes keeping the roof overhead, the lights on, and the fridge full. It also includes being there for my boys in ways that are different than when they were young. It means encouragement and small bumps here and there to help them realize their life paths and goals. This is a cosmic commitment that was written before we were here.
That being said, I seem to write my goals as soon as the fresh fall breeze embraces me. There are always goals, but I am in new territory with this set...
*The mortgage was sold to yet another company so I am readying to work with them to try to get in a better loan overall (one day I will not have a loan but today it comes down to the monthly nut which still proves to big for this little chipmunks jaw)
*The budget it tight and being reworked constantly. I once had a good friend that gave me excellent advice; 'It's not always what you make sweetheart, but it's always what you spend.'
*Budget booster is in full swing as I am seeking more hours where I work; a possible raise, and a second job that will compliment the first. The paperwork is in and officially I will be able to substitute teach when school starts.
*A professor in my Anthro focus group has parted with invaluable information regarding scholarships for graduate school - I will be working on those.
*There will be continuance with my physical well being as the shoulder injury is a memory and I am definitely coming into my time of year - I look forward to paying attention to my body and what it needs.
*Home improvements will continue, slowly but surely.
So getting on with the title for this blog...
First. One of my favorite movies of all time is Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. I shy from mentioning cinema as I am a book girl HOWEVER there are many films that were simply outstanding, and what is an excellent movie other than something that was written then set to a filmmakers interpretation? Indiana (God bless Harrison Ford) was sexy and made archeology sexy and reminded us that intelligence is sexy! Whew! So anyway there is a part in the movie where he is trying to find a lost city in the desert and his nemesis Belloq has a full scale excavation going on miles from this mound that Indiana believes holds the city. He and his buddy are downtrodden, how can they possibly compete with the full scale dig? Belloq has much man power, is better equipped, and has the latest machinery at his disposal. How could one man and a bunch of friends ever overcome their obvious short comings to reach their goal of finding this lost city and saving the world? They work their plan, and rework it, and just as they are at the lowest - a moment happens. Indiana Jones looks at his good friend Sallah, who is on this journey with him and they spontaneously come to a realization at the same moment. They look at one another, their eyes brighten, their breathing quickens and they exclaim "They're digging in the wrong place!"
I was reminded of this little scene at about 3AM the other morning as I woke up. For a few days I had begged my brain to find a solution, or at the very least a direction, as to where to continue from this new territory I find myself in. And that floated in like the mist...I've been digging in the wrong place! I live in an area where EVERYONE and their brother wants to teach. Where PHDr's apply for part time work; I needed to expand my original plan...
I applied everywhere for teaching and having garnered the Bachelors Degree there are still steps to take - remember everything about me is so non-traditional it's become my normal. In order to teach you must have a Certificate of Eligibility. so a test needs to be taken. But even with that most schools in my area prefer a Certificate of Eligibility with Advanced Standing - meaning you have chosen education in with your degree (read another year of school) which includes student teaching. Not in the cards for me. So what I now need to do is obtain the regular Certificate of Eligibility and apply to districts somewhat further down the commute line to get a foot in the door. I had been digging - just in the wrong place.
So the next step in a test prep (EEK!), a test taken, a Certificate Awarded, then I grab my shovel again...
Direction is Purpose. X marks the spot. Rethink it, Rework it. You may be digging in the wrong place. Lovely Brain - Thank God for it every day.
Namaste
