It's mid April and my time is not my own. It hasn't been for months now. I'm finding it hard; this last push toward a goal made long ago. I will graduate in 4 weeks. I had to pick up my cap and gown the other day and that's when it hit me. I still harbor a feeling that they are going to find some error either in their own judgement or in my paperwork that will prevent all of this from happening. I'm chalking that up to a lifelong struggle with unworthiness.
I worked very late the last two nights - as I will tonight. I am tired of missing things for my children, this constant business of tasks. Although I think I'm just tired. Period.
My house looks like it's been ransacked. We own too many things, too many clothes. I feel like a one woman show picking things up, hanging laundry (dryer still out) cleaning dishes that pile up in a day.
Every hour, every single hour that I am not at work is devoted to school first, house second. I am tired and there is a touch of resentment.
I've become somewhat feral, disassociating a bit with family and friends until this hurdle is cleared. I plan on attending my graduation solo. All my big moments have always been alone. It's a strange relationship I have with myself, but it's the safest one I have found.
My children will be coming to my induction ceremony for the International Honors Society for English and then we will go out for dinner. If I can't afford dinner we will head out for ice cream.
Last night after work I had to run my sons phone charger to him. Every Friday the boys stay with their dad in the big house in Vernon that we lived in when I was married. The EX comes up and stays there with them, partly because the house sits pretty much empty and I think he needs to justify the fact that he still owns it. His mother moved in as she couldn't be alone in FL any longer. She is a shadow a shell of the person who hated me. I forgave her long ago. The 2 bedroom cottage that we built intending for my parents to live there (thank God they never sold their house) houses a nice older lady with a scruffy dog who loves the solitude. The rooms in the main are huge and dark and empty - it's like one big cavern. I once knew every inch of it, now I'm a stranger.
So anyway I had to drop off the charger and I wound my way to the driveway. I always forget how dark Vernon can be at night. The ancient apple trees at the start of the property were barely visible at that hour. I made it up the steep driveway and stepped outside the car. The garden looks like a graveyard - long gone to pot. The huge 3 car garage with the center boat bay sits like some post apocalyptic warehouse. I don't even remember what's in there - remnants of furniture and appliances that we planned on using to make the garage an outdoor space - I think? It was quiet on the property and I stood there looking into the darkness. I got this overwhelming feeling that the old me was looking back at me - from behind the giant maple on the far side of the yard. It all seems in a strange suspended state. We all have our ghosts and some of them are ourselves.
My Ex walked out to get the charger and to say hello. He regards me always with a strange disbelief. I find that he is almost timid when he sees me - I do so much now and I was so young when we were together. I hadn't yet 'become me.' I didn't even know me and as I have grown to know myself, he has seen a stranger form from the girl he knew. He has an odd sort of respect now. I wish it could've worked. It would be nice to have an intact family - It just wasn't the hand we were dealt. For ten years he's held that house - why do that? who does that?
There are so many thoughts and emotions swirling around me. I wanted my own ground zero. I wanted to be stripped to my most basic essence, to understand what I was made of. I got my wish. Don't believe that bullshit of 'be careful what you wish for' - wish for all of it. I'm still going to. I'm tired, I'm a bit down, I'm so goddamn sleep deprived I should be hallucinating. But my life is finally mine. My self worth is dictated by me. My dreams, my goals, my tears, my regrets - they are all official. Become the you that you know is in there. Don't bypass the reality that is you - don't die unrealized.
Be present. Show up.
You've got this
Namaste
