Saturday I went to work at a different hospital within the same group. Around noon time I knew something was terribly amiss. The pressure behind my eyes was more than I could bear. I found myself pressing on my eye sockets to relieve the pain. My head felt like it was in the sea. We were somewhat busy and against my better judgement I stayed the 12 hours.
By the time I arrived home I was very dizzy and with headache. I had called the doctor (2nd job) that I work for and begged for something to be called into the pharmacy for me. You see a couple of weeks ago I was cleaning wooden cabinets and put a huge splinter spike through the pad of my finger. I had to pry it out the one side and remove the rest later in the day with a sterile needle and 3 different tweezers. I flushed it cleaned it had it xray'd (negative-no foreign body found) and assumed that was it. I have a sneaking suspicion I have fallen with infection from that wound. Today is my 3rd day on the antibiotic.
I never take medicine if I can help it. I'm one of those people that resorts to drinking more water, having tea (maybe with whiskey), sleeping more, getting fresh air, and cleaning up what I am eating. Because I am a person that rarely goes the pharmo path when I DO have to take anything it usually works like a steam train going through my body. Day three and I'm still with a headache that won't let me go but the weakness has subsided a bit to where I can climb the stairs without being winded and today I'm itching for a fresh-air walk.
So I sat quietly the last 2 days pretty much in one room. The kitchen.
I drank brewed hot and cold tea, I nibbled on toast and cheese. I heated broth. I had my laptop set up and watched Netflix and Amazon Prime. Downton Abbey (ode to my mother who would've loved this show!) and River Cottage - watch the first episode you will be addicted.
When my children were small my parents had given them the animated Beatrix Potter movie; The Tailor of Gloucester. There was a tailor who was so poor he could only rent a corner of a kitchen. So there I was in a soccer mom portable chair, a plastic foot stool, a robe thrown over me blanket style and a stove that was so cozy I didn't want to stray far. I had the lights shut off with only daylight coming in the windows. I'm sure to the old chap with the cane that walks his dog like clockwork who stole a glance in the window (he always does) I appeared somewhat of a mental case. I've long given up worrying what anyone thinks.
I was holed up...healing.
Then gratitude found me as it always does. Ok so I am sick...so what? There are far more far sicker. People I work with and pray for...but it got me thinking- This time a short year ago I was in a job I loved - but without health insurance. I was making alot of money at my per-diem 2nd job - without health insurance and without any paid sick time - so an I don't work I don't eat mentality took hold. I can't tell you how many times I pushed myself sick, trying to do my job at half throttle to get better in 2 weeks rather than 4 days. The rest and down time I was able to have in the last couple of days was further aided by the security of knowing my time bank at my current job would complete my paycheck for a bit until I got better. I don't make a ton of money, I went to where the insurance was affordable and the pay somewhat doable and the hours workable, not for me but for my children.
Sometimes when you go along thinking you do so many things incorrect...well the correctness comes up and smacks you in the face. We must give ourselves credit...this is something I still struggle with. I am grateful that many times when I sit with my head in my hands wondering if I am making the right moves, the moves are somehow made for me. I am somehow led in the correct direction. That is maybe 25% me 75% divine. Whatever the ratio - I need to trust more. We all do. Part of this of illness was due, I believe, to a weakened state from stress. What good is all the money in the world if you don't have a warm stove to sit by and at least one room that you truly own and a cup of tea? I'm down but I will be up and running in a couple of days and I am sticking to my plan...and looking up.
Trust yourself and move in the direction of your dreams or where your gut tells you - that is the divine, that is the correct way.
Godspeed
