Today I am tired. We hit a money crunch last month which resulted in a few 'late fees' that put us behind a bit. So I did what any respectable workaholic would do...I signed up for more time at work.
The Late fees put me a bit behind money-wise, but the extra work seems to have put me a bit behind sanity wise. I remain utterly grateful that there is work to be had, I've the health to do it, and that God gifted me with a safety button to grab it when I need it. I work with good people and we do our best to carve out a place of healing (although you know my stance on fluorescent lighting in hospitals).
The real mind kicker was that this month I made the last payment on a credit card that plagued me for years, like those green biting bugs at the shore in August. Just a bloody bite. So I climbed out of another debt to end up worried about this months bills. Sometimes. it. is. laughable. and you laugh so you don't cry.
But such is life and in the end the race is only with yourself. Next month will be better - it always is, My personal Dow Jones fluctuates. So I started to think - you can make yourself crazy with money. I know because I've been there - waking up at 3AM doing spreadsheets in your head which always seem to be handwritten in blood - and bad dreams of debtors prisons where the shithouse rats have more $ than you do. Getting your paycheck and winding up with exactly $1.35 to yourself after a 70 hour work week, not even enough for any coffee you'd wanna drink on your most desperate morning. And yet for the last few years it's all been going in the right direction somehow. Sometimes slow (minimum payment only) sometimes quicker (overtime handed over to the bill collector) but always in the right direction. And progress, however small, is...well...progress right?
The path to success has never proven a straight line for me. Far to much to see I think. I'm the one reading the debt book on my free time in front of a snow melt river with poetry on the brain. I've traded soul time for work time, I've never looked back but I still have fun in some strange way. I'm still smiling and THAT is a choice we all can make. Shit if you gotta go through manure to get to the horse and ride off into the sunset - So be it! Slop it up good, cause you only do this dance called life once. And that's me. I'm just trying to do it right...I believe we all are.
We sailed through Christmas without credit debt greeting us in January...and yet....and yet - if I wasn't so determined this morning would've been the day I would've thrown caution to the wind and taken the boys somewhere warm and unaffordable , somewhere lush, somewhere with oranges and pools and frigen leaves. But we can't. and I won't. because I'm just not into making the same mistakes twice. It will come, and it will be paid for when it does. And the waiting will make spring all the more sweet! And that trip will be so worth it!! I finally understand Longfellow - Learn to labor, and to wait.
Today is a day off in a week that will total 67 hours. I made a cup of tea, because when you are Celtic that cures everything. I set it down and snapped the above pic with my phone. Because the struggle will be worth it...and it's moments like this, with a book,a blanket and tea, when you realize that even if your bank account is low - you can feel like the richest of pharaohs :)
Namaste
