ChasingColeridge: Of Journals and Wispy Walks

Somehow I was able to make it happen. I am now working one job locally and three -just about- 12 hour days. I don't know how I did what I did (2-3 jobs at a clip 12-16 hour days 9-15 days in a row) but can only say that if I had to do that again, I know I could.

I was looking over a journal from 2 years ago, I do this from time to time to see if I'm on track - how much my vision has changed and if I'm being true to myself. 2 years ago I wanted to finish school (I am now a senior at university) I wanted to work one job without a killer commute (I now commute minutes in the opposite direction of the bottleneck that leaves our area every morning)
I wanted to get the cost of my mortgage down (that came through after months and months and months of phone calls & duplicate paperwork - it's not where I want it, but it's better) I wanted to pay off my debt (this was realized last fall and I now have a healthy relationship with a bit of good debt for school - intellectual property instead of materialistic crap) I wanted more time to spend with my children, take care of my home, my mental health and relax a bit (this has proven to be the most difficult thing believe it or not - workaholic proves a tough dance toward serenity)

I still have great fear and financial worries that will come knocking at 3AM like a poltergeist. I still haven't made peace with some things that have irrevocably hurt me in the past - childhood to present but I am happy to say I can keep them at bay. I have them in a box in a mental closet and when they come to visit unexpectedly I can put them back in the box. A friend of mine suggested a full on peace mission - 'Take them out of that box and really deal with them' I will when I'm ready...don't worry about that box ...I know how to find it...I put it there remember? sigh

There are things I am asked "What of the farming?" YES! I still want to farm, the road to that has proven not to be a direct route. I dabbled with an off site garden and chicken keep, however I noticed a subtle 'unwelcome' with the whole thing so I have chosen to wait until I have my very own space with which to do these things. I still visit farms, admire the lifestyle, and do what I can where I currently am in life...I just finished a first bottling of dandelion wine and will be canning as local produce reaches its crescendo.

I feel a gathering within me for the next set of dreams to realize...graduating and finally moving into a career instead of 'jobs', saving for land - just land (this started the other day and I had to push it away). I am under the gun and $ is short in our household right now, the next 6 months show no relief in this realm so how is it that I can even allow myself to think in terms like 'gee I want to save for land?' I'll tell you how...because everything I have ever accomplished started out as a whisper...a hint... a glint...a small 'what if?' And that is the most exciting part of who I am to myself. The truth of what I want and what I am willing to do to get there. It all starts with that. I figure I will need at least 5 acres, and more will be revealed as my brain takes hold of this thought. Love your brain, don't be afraid of it. It truly is the greatest thing God has equipped us with.

So that's where I seem to be....hungry for more. The down time I have worked for has been good to me, it's the rest before the next step. As a species we were made for higher thought, it is a right, but one in our current world that must be worked for, fought for, demanded of ourselves and enjoyed to the highest reverence. Happy Independence Day Folks - it is, after all, in our blood.

I wanted to leave you with a visual of the cosmic walk I take on Mountain Road here in Hamburg. Many days off begin with this walk. Wisps of ideas meet me like friends on this walk. Tears of letting go of things have been shed on this walk. Each time I take it, it makes me stronger...