I must admit I am a happy person. Probably one of the happiest people you will ever meet. And then there is the gratitude I feel and I speak about most of the time. It truly is a beautiful life sometimes with great meaning, many times with great mystery. One thing many people don't know about me is that underneath, in the well spring that's me, there is a loneliness that settled in from my beginning.
I have people around me that I love and that love me, believe me. I am a very very lucky girl. But I do wonder if anyone else is like this? All my big moments I am usually alone in my feeling, in my thought. All of my horrific moments have been of self realization and secondary acknowledgements. I'm that person that could be in a place filled with other souls, yet intrinsically in a desert hearing the wind.
I'm fully ok being alone with myself, I even enjoy that company most of the time. I have children who are my life blood, who make my heart beat, who make my mornings sing. I have family that I can call on at a moments notice and wonderful friends that would meet me at 3AM 'just to talk'.
I was in my car one day listening to one of my favorite songs and someone very close to me heard the lyrics and said Oh my God that is you! "So pretty and oh so bold, she's got a heart full of gold on a lonely road." We laughed but inside I sighed. I know it's probably some inner defense mechanism, but do we all have it? I feel like the depths of me are yet undiscovered. I give everything, but I don't GIVE enough because I truly can't. The only place that goes there for me is writing, so I suppose it's an art for me - a release. But that sharing with others day to day just wasn't the hand that was dealt me. I could probably go into the reasons why...parentified child, suicidal and clinically depressed mother, a rage filled home, a rage filled youth, a failed marriage, A pervading feeling of hurt and guilt though many times guiltless, an emotional whipping boy in a way. You reach a certain age and realize there truly is so much shit you will never un-do so you make peace with it as best you can and pick up your bed and walk on.
But I know me. I know I am like some archaeological tomb in an Indiana Jones movie wrought with dead falls, booby traps, and near misses. I also know I am like that great line he utters when those around him look to him for direction and guidance, simply assuming he has the answers all the time...'Tell me Indy-Crisy...what's the plan.' And I'm standing there saying 'I don't know...I'm making this up as I go.' Are we all like that? Come on, it can't just be me? And there it is...at least for me...lonely.
So I'm going to try, really try, to not be this way as much. That armor fits so well though, it's become so comfortable. I reach out believe me, but only so far. My arms are open, but only so wide. My smile is true, my heart is pure ,so what the hell am I afraid of? I need to change this - I need to be fearless. I've been shut down in that inner way for so long. Bare it all and walk through the desert in my soul and let my ass get a bit sunburned.
Be fearless on the inside and out.
Namaste
