Yesterday I set out on dads lake with my kayak. To say it's becoming an addiction would be an understatement. If I were about 22 years old I would forsake all earthly goods buy a Westfalia VW Van and set off to kayak every puddle in the USA. The only way I can describe it, and forgive the graphic nature, is that the second I push off from terra firma and begin to float, a slight release of pressure happens in my pelvic floor. No, it isn't incontinence. It's like an entire body letting go, a soul release. The above pic is one of my favorite visions no matter where I am. Shallow water with the stones, and vegetative debris, and the small minnow fish that see you off. It's sort of the beginning - the portal to the liquid meditation EVERY TIME. The further I get from the shore the less that can touch me. Any problems, bills, animosity, resentments, stress, laundry...it all stays there on the shore.
I don't just take 'rides' in my little vessel, I totally get into the small space (I think it taps my tiny home fantasies in a way) I bring snacks, usually some pumpkin seeds or an apple, always water, and in the early mornings a great cup of coffee. In a ziplock bag attached by an orange bungee is sunblock, a small notebook and 2 pens, behind me a small towel, atop my head my sunglasses that I got in the fishing dept on sale, and yesterday a few books for school. I'm dying to take my best girlfriend, my little dog Bella, one day.
So in the last week I've accomplished reading a 200 page book every day/every other day. This weekend is the final push for this online class that has been truly a test of tenacity for me. I reverted to the rebel teen at one point - I just didn't feel like doing it. Then surprised myself by letting the adult I've become take over - "The only way around this class is straight through this class." Last week I checked online for the grade of my last ridiculously involved assignment. It was a power point presentation of a book we had to read IN ADDITION to the normal reading load then create a power point presentation explaining why this book was included in the Young Adult Literary Canon (why it's read in schools etc for this age group) and include certain points of a young persons journey to identity achievement. This was truly comical for me because lets face it I'm a therapists wet dream as far as arrested development and identity achievement are concerned, or so I thought....
I SLAVED over this thing and then had my son check it and make suggestions (secretly I wanted to pay him to do the entire thing but what kind of parental example would that have been? but I must admit I considered it) I handed it in complete with hyperlinks and Youtube videos on the author and sound effects and the damn bibliography ( I HATE BIBLIOGRAPHIES AND I SHALL ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY FOREVER I IMAGINE MY TOMBSTONE - CRISY LOVER AND LIVER OF LIFE...HATER OF BIBLIOGRAPHIES) and photo credits and sent it into cyber space and wondered yet again why did I take this class and do this to myself??? So I logged on early one morning at work and there was the grade for the power point - 10/10. I refreshed the screen - 10/10. I checked to make sure I had logged onto MY page and there it was again 10/10 - a perfect grade. I ran (sprinted actually) into the lab to tell my friend (who in some weird way has become a cheerleader for me with returning to school) and she just smiled and said 'Of course you did, see you got this!' I reveled in that then the stress of the next and final assignment began. Guess what it is? An ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY on 7 more works. This is when I know God has a great sense of humor....and a great reward system....
They changed the portal on the University website, they completely updated it etc and there under MY NAME was a notation ***for registration purposes your status is Senior*** I am a senior...at a university...I'm almost there...It was that little push of hope that I so badly needed. The sense of accomplishment was unreal. Me. Single Mom. Ex moron. Never really got it. Uncertain. Unsure. Unwanted. Self esteem depleted. Divorced. Deserted. Treading water. Trying like heck not to sink in every way. A Senior at a University. My vision got blurry from the tears. I deserved this moment. Everyone Deserves a moment like this.
So the last few days have been reading, noting, writing, dreaming of burning laundry and setting the kitchen on fire. So I decided I needed a change of scenery but felt guilty to go play with my course work needing attn and my house ready to be condemned....
So I brought my books with me and rowed out to the middle of the lake. Hours later I had caught up on my reading, worked on my vitamin D, and upped my happy quota. Then I decided a little physical release was needed so I strapped all my crap down in my little 'cabin' and took a very swift row around the lake. I stopped by a house I loved as a child and only saw a few times from a random rowboat with friends. I was one of those weirdo tough ass kids but I would get lost in some things and I thought way too much for a teenager...and undercover oddball to say the least.
Picture this - A low white house with some kind of strong Mediterranean Vibe, long sweeping stone steps that led to a private beach - yes they had truckloads of sand every spring it seemed and they had their own little beach...As a kid I imagined some exotic family lived there - most likely Greek and they missed home. They missed the timelessness of stone and lapping spice scented breezes coming in from the sea. They admired lemon leaves because they were shiny, and gazed at their olive trees. They drank red wine at a small wrought iron bistro set on the veranda and ate amazing sea food and healthy fruits and nuts and cheese. At night a woman would descend the pristine stone steps with bare feet and stand in the water then sit by candle light under the moon and write to her family back home....Strange for a kid but this is what I saw in my mind when I rowed past with friends....Today the original image sits in my mind like a postcard you would find in a Catskill Antique shop for a quarter.
A tough economy has left many homes empty in our area. This house never fit the 'gotta-have-the bigger-the better-Center Hall Colonial' dream. I don't know the back story but I can only guess that the people that owned it maybe couldn't keep up, perhaps passed from old age, and there it sits....This is the house now
This is the view from what I call 'The Cove' The property to the right of this place has a great spot that curves out to some rocky outcroppings where we would swim (illegally as kids) But I've always felt that this little property (above pic) was the nicest spot on the lake.
This is the view as you come toward 'The Cove' There is an abandoned Geese shit piled dock that belongs to this house. It still has the hooks - I may bring a rope with me one day soon and tether myself out from it about 20 or so feet and enjoy a good book and lunch and
pretend the entire place is mine for a day.
Yeah, I get into crap like that.
It has a cinder block construction garage next to it which would be perfect as a granny flat or some art studio...maybe a potters wheel, clay, bright paints and a kiln
The rear has a 'screened in' porch (windowed in) and the stairs come down to a rock walled area that is in the shape of a whales tale. This is where the sand was and it would shine bright on a summer day. I suppose all those deliveries of sand is what gave the cove in that spot it's gradual mild undulating walk into the water. It's still pretty subdued under the surface here. I have always loved this place. And looking at it now with adult eyes (and past realtor eyes) there is enough sun for a lovely garden to the right and a pergola could certainly be built to the left and off the garage a small hen coop would fit. The wall of windows would be outstanding with linen curtains that could blow in the breezes for 3 seasons. The fall wound deposit red and orange leaves on your shore and in winter one could imagine a small pot bellied stove and a cast iron crock with chilli slow cooking all overlooking an icy lake and a basic wood desk to write on...
I sat in Xanadu (my kayak) for a long time looking up at this place as the wind blew around my body and up the lawn to the busted door. This time next year my entire life may be different. I will have (God willing) finally graduated college and be readying for a career in the fall. It scares me to think like that because I've been so used to disappointment my whole life. But that's the thing about hope and clouds with silver linings, you never really know...you just keep going. You thwart the nay-sayers..."Bad time for teachers' "No one finds a job now' 'maybe you're a bit too old?' You don't let those demons near you...they may be right...but then again, they may be wrong But you will never find out if you take your eyes off that goal you hold fast to. In the very least it may not be what you imagined, what you worked for...damn it may be better than that, yes it certainly could be better than that - but you've got to keep on keeping on.
I rowed away thinking this time next year things will be different...they always are.
What if all these trials and tribulations were training you for something really great?
What if Life really is on your side? Hold onto that
Namaste
