On May 15 - I floated through graduation with my children in a stadium of 2500 (give or take) the three of us had tears as I climbed the stage (hyperventilated a bit), shook someones hand, received a diploma case and as I walked back I looked up at my boys on the first tier and had no choice but to hold it up in victory. They cheered, I cried, and we all left with hope for the future. Being a creative type I'm all about symbolism, ceremony, etc etc. It was truly one of the greatest days because my children were there. Then the future started. And I was afraid. Note to self - Be Gentle during transition.
My goal is to get into teaching in some capacity. With all of this literature running through my brain - a celestial purge and give back is long over due. I graduated with a Bachelors in English Writing. Currently I am working with a small press to have a collection of poems published and have 4 other projects in various stages. Note to self - hold your dreams like the star dust they are-they are yours.
While all of this is wonderful, I realized achieving a goal that was years in the making, sweating, and working can leave one a bit untethered. Achievers climb that mountain want to jump off in a way. So what do you do? Climb back down? Jump? Grab some rocks and build a shelter? It's a temporary place at best.
Because I am a non-traditional student (please read non-traditional everything: woman, writer, lover, sleeper, seeker, giver, realizer) my path doesn't seem to fit a punch list. So I need to forge my own. I have all of my paper work ready to go to substitute teach. I have applied at some jobs but I am not technically certified so it's dicey. I have been given a nod as to a ghost writing opportunity, managing blogs for others and various social media, I am half-way through the process of applying to graduate school with out a clue as how I will be paying for it.
Note to self - take steps forward no matter how seemingly insignificant.
Many plates in the air. And then derailment ensued...
The past few weeks have been a strange time for me, very dark indeed. I couldn't help but think of my favorite comics..."You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?" Things took a turn with an odd injury, medicine (read poison), and more lack of sleep than my norm. I began questioning everything. Yes, I suppose the devil had his way with me, I didn't take it personally - I believed I was just next in the cosmic queue, but it all shook me to the core. The self doubt, the physical manifestation of pain, the 1-2 hours of little sleep for about a month and then a whisper in the night; 'You need to be touched'.
Touch and I have a lifelong love/hate relationship. Most of my life touch has been unsafe, violent, manipulative, agenda filled, and terrifying - even under the best of circumstances. But humans need to be touched. We've all read the studies of babies that thrive because they are held, Why should adults be different? One thing led me to another and I wound up in a chiropractors office on a table. Being touched. After weeks of manipulation, heat, traction, etc I began to feel again, to literally 'open up' to the healing. Because I am a cosmic resister I had to literally talk myself into it each time - "let the healing in, relax, it's ok."
When I tell you it was amazing, it was beyond that. I began to respect my body which had always been run by my mind as a sort of tool with boundless energy to get things done. Respect. For myself. Open to the healing. And then I took a turn toward the light. And again my comics played; "It's always darkest before dawn". And it is. And it was. Note to self - you ,too, are human. Oddly enough the cards were in my favor. The chiropractor did not take my health insurance but scaled the payment for a self pay which worked out to be less than most folks co-pay. They also do healing massage which I am looking into as we not only need to be touched but we need it on a consistent basis.
So here I am in midsummer, with prospects ahead. I believe I am to teach, however it may not be in the traditional realm I had first envisioned. Grad School calls as does the idea of adjunct at night at a college. Some dusty evenings passing the torch of Literature to minds that will hold fast to the same words I have held fast to. Note to self - Success is never a straight line, bridges may be out, detours may abound, prepare your soul accordingly
Namaste
