Intrinsic Prayer

I suppose I had been dancing around it somewhat...avoiding it all really.

A stirring conversation with a best girlfriend, a bitch session that went rogue into soul searching. And still I declined the celestial call that stayed on hold.

We spoke of rich times,
of poor times,
of 'more' times,
and 'no more' times.

We spoke of being humbled quite by force.  Our sins realized in the 'Aha!' of despair.  Then the peace that pervades your ego bruised soul after that realization, much like your favorite robe on the morning after the heat has broken in your house.

And still I turned away, pretending to forget an appointment that was long overdue.  But He would not stop calling.  And I found my face tear soaked, staring up at God who resides somewhere beyond the milky ceiling over my bed.

God who waited patiently for me to break just a bit more, until there was no solace but He.

I cried.
I prayed.
I repented.
I heaved with sadness over the spoils of self, flesh, love, and life.

Somehow I realized it doesn't matter who else should be humbled, for those soul walks should be restricted to you and God only.  That footpath you take with him through the forest of your earthly existence isn't wide enough for more than that and don't fear that walk for if it should narrow or present with precipice and harrow; you will be carried.

Then a human hunt for peace ensued,  I opened my front door to the sacred darkness that sits over the land at 3AM, to a sky that only a fresh unseen night can bring.

I walked barefoot on the man made sidewalk and gazed at the inky wild mountain due east.  I searched for the moon, like one who cannot see, for I knew not where it stood with me at all.

I expanded and took in true air and sat on my stoop and prayed to God who resides somewhere in the bubble of nothingness above my development.  Then he spoke inside me, in my chest, where my borrowed lightening beats.  And he simply said:

'You must sleep.
Lay it here in the grass, all that troubles you.
Leave it to the dew of day come.
Go into the house I gave you.
Lay in the bed I made you...
and sleep.
I promise it dreamless and deep.
Go now child, I've got this.
It is now you need to release.
Tomorrow will be what it will be-
Or it will not...
But I am already there
Waiting for you.'

The nightmare depression and crying released their grip, and I could begin again.

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go" Abraham Lincoln

Namaste

The Cruel Ghosts of Kindness make their rounds

I come home one night after work dead tired and I climb the rickety stairs to the place where it all started.  You and your daughter open the front door and we are painted in the yellow light of that old house, those old bulbs pour out around me on the cool damp wood of dusk on deck.

You had made a bowl of spaghetti, and opened a jar of sauce.  It was steaming in a huge chipped glass bowl we had and a wooden spoon my mother gave us when this all started.  I loved you so much and I felt you loved me, not knowing you were grasping at the sides of a hand dug bottomless well - holding anyone to break your fall - to keep you from your terror at it being just the two of you.  24 years ago, a quarter of a century. The lawn was kept, now ivy in it's wisdom covers all, yet those jagged rocks lay cool under its soft mounds.

It was a time before spaghetti wasn't enough.  Before I wasn't enough.  Before I bore you sons and fed them from my body in a warm nest feasting on sugar milk.

And yet somehow that simple kindness, that chipped bowl of pasta comes to haunt me now when I am dead tired and the stove is cold and I dine on dry toast and a piece of Land O Lakes cheese (cut thin).  It is a lonely feast that I sustain myself with quietly in the steam of a memory that may have not happened at all, a kindness that may have not been real at all.

Ghosts that come to call at 3AM.  And why have you come now Cruel Ghosts of Kindness?  Why Your hive and swarm instead of the Ghosts of Terror?

I know what to do with terror.  I can exist in terror for it is terror that made me strong.  Kindness frightens me the most, guts me the most, leaves me crying like a child in the bathtub.

24 years ago...43 years to date...and still I cannot fucking sleep right.

Experiences Not Things

Just a quick update on the trip!!  Yesterday the boys fulfilled a great wish they've been harboring...the desire to surf!  My Michael started this trend by hanging with his friend (post serious sports injury when weightlifting and team training at the school was a no-no to healing).  He started Long-Boarding (like skateboarding but more flexible like snowboarding or surfing).  Michael being Michael he quickly elevated the Long-Boarding to an obsession to do more and better and more and better.  He fell in love with it and like all new activities he pursues he researches the hell out of them, checks the origin, the trends, and what it will do for him as a person.  This child came wired this way, I was merely the vessel that brought him here.  

It wasn't long until kids began showing up at our town home on these things but he wasn't just satisfied with cruising around - there had to be a sense of accomplishment.  Enter Long Boarding in the rain, midnight rides, and miles lapped up.  Yup.  So the whole adventure of 'skating' quickly morphed into "I'm going to snowboard this winter" and "I want to try paddle boarding" and finally "I'm going to surf."  Yesterday was the crossroads where it all came together and again these kids filled me with gratitude at being their mom.  We drove quietly to the rental place and each one admitted they were quite nervous from "What if I get hurt" to "Hey is that a shark fin in the water?"   But within 15 minutes, $50 each, 4 wetsuits and a meeting site by a jetty there was no turning back.

I told them I was proud of them (they and their two friends) because they made a choice to have experiences instead of things.  Sometimes as a parent you say things that the kids chew on and throw in their suitcase for life.

They met the instructor who was relieved that they long-boarded because, from what I gather, it's the same concept of balance and movement.  There was a quick lesson on the sand to go from what yoga calls a modified cobra position to a surf stand, and that was it -they took to the water...

That's my beautiful son William (a Pisces) who is always happy in the water :)

That's my beautiful son Michael (an Aries) who is always happy as long as he's moving :)

And this is the money shot for mom...another one of those pics you want them to have when they are in their 80's so they remember when they were young, healthy, 

and it all lay before them

They spent an hour in the water and when they came out I asked them "Was it worth it?"  They all agreed it was and William said "Ma it was one of those things, ya know?  One of those life things."  Yes my precious love, I do know.

They talked about it for hours scheming on how to get to the ocean more.  And then they realized they would have all winter to try snowboarding.  They were happy, the kind of intrinsic generated happy that comes from one on a cellular level a core feeling (no video game does that ). 

Later that day we met up with a friend who is on the island staying bay side, and she owns a paddle board shop...Mike and his buddy Andrew have been dying to try this...

the sun was setting...

The word Magic doesn't do it justice....

I wish for you a life of experiences not things.

Namaste

This trip was put together on a shoe string and almost didn't happen, I'm working on the $ breakdown for the blog but I will tell you not one cent was put on a credit card :)  The above memories are our souvenirs, not a boatload of bills - You can do this.

A Walk

In an effort to save money on this trip I decided to forgo the normal bike rental for the week($55).  I honestly didn't feel right renting just for myself and not the boys.  Even though they seem to be off on their own most of the time I chose to just let it go this trip.  A few trips ago I was at a different part of the Jersey shore.  I had gone down with a close friend to keep her company while she went on a 3 day interview for a job.  It was there that I discovered 'urban hiking.'  I found a 10 mile loop map posted in a coffee shop and decided to do it.  It was a sense of accomplishment and an almost renegade move on my part.

When you walk a small city or town you see things you would never notice from a car.  You appreciate architectural details, shops that you otherwise would never be able to slow down and look at, a public water fountain (yes some of these do still exist - people are drinking from them and aren't dying!)  And then there are also relics from days gone by; public pay phones, hidden graveyards, alleys and nooks and crannies where people read a book, write in journals, or strum guitars - I have seen all of this)  There definitely is an almost subcultural autonomous vibe underneath the rushing the commuting and the endless appointment keeping.  Not that long ago I finished a book on audio (through my phone while I walked) called A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson.  It is actually read by Bryson who possess an acerbic wit and  a comical 'that figures' type of charm.  It made me laugh.  It made me reflective.  And in some spots scared the hell out of me.  It's a story of his haphazard doomed hike on the AT (Appalachian Trail) but it is peppered with interesting statistics ranging from extinct species and eco systems to the lost art of being a pedestrian.  As I listened I found myself having Eureka moments.

In the US it is becoming harder and harder to be a pedestrian what with our massive highway systems.  A small town can literally be severed down the middle by a 4-6 lane highway so to walk from the post office to the general store you basically take your life in your hands crossing a highway with a speed limit of 65/mph.  My favorite example he gives is of a woman that drives 600 yards to go to a gym to walk on a treadmill because she has a mileage based workout on that treadmill and doesn't want to deviate from it.  Apparently, as a species, we have become intelligent to the point of idiocy.  It's the same mentality as trying to diet and saying 'well I already had one apple - that should be it for the day I shouldn't have another...'  but that bag of cookies goes uncounted...

So I set off with my newer sneakers that are literally falling apart (Thank you Kohl's for your overpriced crap-as a side note forget trying to find a shoe with a good arch as they no longer exist and give up the notion of that good leather dress shoe that will take you into old age - the life span of a shoe seems now to be 6-12 months...ahhh the power of planned obsolescence....ok my rant is done)  And I began walking toward the bird sanctuary which is a few miles to the east.  It was warm and I was doing a good pace, nothing crazy, just real good movement.  I was listening to an apocalyptic novel (hey it's my vacation ok?) when I came upon a house of worship to my left with a playground and many garden beds!

I meandered through it for a bit taking note of the different growing plots, seeing a few things I have never seen before - hollowed out hay bales with dirt thrown in and their plants growing prolifically, climbing ramps made from what appears to be old refrigerator shelves.  It was a very hip and peaceful find.  On a little plot enough food grown to feed quite a few.  Had I been in a car I would've whizzed right by it - somewhat distracted in thought of where I needed to be.  But when you walk you truly can only be in one place at one time.  It is you and the pavement, or meadow, or trail.  I don't know if there is a scientific reason for it (I'm sure there is because there seems to be one for everything)  but there is something about the legs moving in opposite unison from the arms and the forward motion that creates a sort of zen cadence.  Thoughts seem to come and then evaporate and everything seems a little less harsh a little bit easier to deal with.  'A walk to clear your head' was an old saying I heard alot as a kid - and it has proven true over and over.  We are meant to move both in body and thought.  As I headed back this was my reward

And a little while later on the other side of the island my glorious moon

The moon and all of these images are done only partial justice with a camera.

Might I suggest a walk to truly enjoy them?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step - Lao Tzu

Walk

Namaste

The Reset

Somehow the money was pulled over the last 6 months to be able to take this humble vacation.  A change of scenery was indeed necessary.  This is the place I fled to and lived for a month after my divorce with two small boys in tow.  Beach Haven LBI NJ has always had an almost mystical power over me.  I've been to quite a few beaches on the East Coast in my 43 years but this one never leaves me.  It's the place I have envisioned when things get rough, when work (for lack of a better word) sucks, and when it all (meaning life) seems so completely un-doable.  We all have our places we run to...LBI is mine.

When I divorced I sold my Mercedes - please don't laugh I know it sounds utterly ridiculous and opulent but reality smacks your ass real fast when you pull up to the Drew Mtn Road gas station with a bag of quarters for gas because you just put $6300 (that you didn't have) in repairs into the damn thing just to pass inspection.  Shortly after I sold this $43k money pit for $15k cash. I cannot even fathom those numbers now.  I can honestly say if I won the lottery tomorrow I would buy a used Jeep Cherokee with 4wd - the old boxy ones that run forever, have your back in a snow storm, serve as a camper (I am 4'11 remember), and as a moving truck when you see that dresser in someones trash that you can refurbish.  Best car I ever owned.  Thank you current admin for Cash for Clunkers that took so many of these off the road in an effort to keep the debt cycle rolling.  Don't get me started.    Anyway....

So I packed up and 'moved' into a friends cottage that summer.  I will be forever grateful for the ability to do that for it gave me a reset button that has proved invaluable.  This week I brought those two little boys (now young men) 15 & 17 back down here.  To say I have been melancholy would be an understatement, because as all parents know you will forever see the little boys in the their now manly faces.  They wanted to bring friends which somehow bummed me a bit because I wanted them all to myself, but then I looked back on the turn our life took all those years ago - from rich to broke, intact family to band of gypsies, reality instead of fairy tale - all in the name of creating noble good people without the bullshit of a strained war zone like relationship, and realized that it has been the good friends the three of us have made that has gotten us through most of it, that and a solid stoic family that we could turn to anytime day or night.   Friends are the family you get to pick.  And I have in turn watched these children talk their friends through difficulty using their experiences to reach the hand of kindness and understanding to one another.  And I know from friends and family these two will grow up with character and steadfast grace to those that need support when times get tough - they intrinsically understand that 'giveback'

They have brought a couple of friends and embark on their own memories with mom taking a back seat this time.  They are long-boarding all over this island, catching waves, walking on the beach under the moon and making memories that they will remember for a long, long time. Perhaps when they have a shit day at work they will remember the laughter that fluttered over the salty air.  When life tosses them about they will know they can handle stormy waters.  Maybe when it all gets too much they will know the sea  keeps rolling and reaching and that the moon is never far, you only have to look for its peace to find it. 

And in some strange way my reset button has become theirs and to that awareness I say Amen.

My hope for you is to find your reset

Namaste

Say Yes

Friday nights were usually saved for takeout and a date with Ancient Aliens on The History Channel.  Not to say that that isn’t my all-time fav show, if definitely is!  But in this weather staying inside after the endless winter we endured can seem, as least personally, sacrilegious.  I was getting ready for a trip to LBI with the kids and had dealt with a minor health scare that included some tests and an abundant dose of ‘what if’s’.  So to say I was busy would have been a huge understatement.  Enter text message from a little friend that lives on a tiny farm J …  “Hey you kayak – the 4H club is meeting with the Friends of the Wallkill River to check out their new kayak fishing spot on Owen’s Station Crossing…you should come.”

This was a friend from the hospital that I have missed seeing regularly and her lovely children who are such ‘in the moment’ energy beings it is truly a pleasure to be in their company.  Though I had so much to do, SO MUCH, the word YES jumped out of my being and landed on a message back to her.

How was this to work?  I had packing, food buying (we would be staying in a small cottage and would have a kitchen so bring most of our food would save $) I was also trying to connect with the parents of the boys we would be bringing as guests (they say teen girls travel in packs – I think teen boys have them beat – teen boys travel in herds….grazing herds) And I wanted to give my own home a good cleaning so I could return distressed.  HA.   I decided to put all that aside, threw the kayak on my car racks and headed out for a 6pm meet up at the OSC.  I am so very glad I did!

Kayaking has been around forever, but is enjoying quite resurgence especially in our liquid abundant mountain area. 

  I pulled up and there was a truck loaded up with kayaks free of charge for the 4Hers and their families to give a try…Awesome!   If you ever have time to spend with 4H people I suggest you do, it is one regret I have with my kids is not getting them involved in this wonderful organization when they were young – though we dabbled in 4H camps and open invites when we could.  They are friendly and so knowledgeable.  Also a fantastic resource – if you want to learn canning, livestock keeping, how to make honey, or archery, or just about anything - they will direct you to the right people.  Many of necessary life skills are going by the wayside fast under the title ‘Lost Arts’  and when they are gone folks, well they are gone for good because it won’t take long as time continues its inevitable roll forward that these skills will die with those that know them.  Get out and learn something!  Ok off my soapbox…for now.

So there I am in my little Camry (that in my mind is a badass pickup truck complete with hunting rifle…sigh) and there in front of me was a new canoe/kayak launch and dock with people gathered.  I later learned from a 4H teen that it had been a black dirt non-organic farm that they poked a HUGE hole in the earth and let the water table rise and flood.  Now it is a pretty good large water body.  You can fish, but being that it was a non-organic type of operation fishing is catch and release only.  DO NOT EAT. And I understand they pull some amazing sized bass out of there!  

Another friend that I worked with at the Hospital that closed was there.  She hadn’t been kayaking before and I gladly offered mine up so she could try…actually I was honored and seriously excited that she was doing this.  ‘But how do I do it?’ she asked.  ‘Just go, go, just try it – you are gonna be hooked I’m telling you…’ and she was.  J  This particular friend loves photography; I cannot wait until she puts these two awesome hobbies together.  The kids had a blast Tracy’s son Chase fearlessly backed down the launch with fishing pole in hand – totally assured of himself.  I love this kid!  And Tracy was able to take her little lady Meadow out for a tandem paddle!

When it was all over everyone was smiling and I saw a few more faces that read ‘I can do this and I want one!’  I loaded up my boat and again ticked off my to-do list with a sort of stress.  Then Tracy announced ‘Ok…Wallkill Refuge HQ for a firefly talk and hunt, you’re coming right?’  WHAT???  My to-do list rose like a boiled egg in my brain screaming Me! Me! Focus on me!  Your list of MUST DO!!! MUST DO!!!

Again my being said ‘Sure why not?’  I had a blanket and water in my trunk – Why not indeed?

I wound my way on back roads to the Refuge in Vernon.  It was a lively group with many children and people my age as well as older.  We sat and listened to a wonderful retired teacher explain the differences between male and female firefly’s their syncing of flashing, their life span, their reproducing and why they seem to be disappearing – artificial light.   I totally get that as I love to run from that crap every chance I get!  Then he told some camp fire stories (in proximity to a small campfire complete with marshmallows)  then we waited…and waited…and waited. 

Night came on in a sort of greenish haze that only summer can bring.  ‘I see one!!” and so it went.

What a delightful night we had.  A night I had not planned on.  A night I almost said no to…except I said Yes.

Say Yes.

Namaste

Incidentally the next morning I was able to accomplish everything on my to-do list; dropping cat at a friends before the trip, drying and folding all laundry, putting laundry away, packing,  running to the bank, food shopping, paying a few bills, filling the car up, packing the trunk with massive food, luggage and 4 skateboards,  and cleaning the house (I did not mop the kitchen floor)  we left 15 min later than projected.  It all gets done...Don't be a prisoner...

Say Yes.

Peace

Of Journals and Wispy Walks

Somehow I was able to make it happen.  I am now working one job locally and three -just about- 12 hour days.  I don't know how I did what I did (2-3 jobs at a clip 12-16 hour days 9-15 days in a row) but can only say that if I had to do that again, I know I could.

I was looking over a journal from 2 years ago, I do this from time to time to see if I'm on track - how much my vision has changed and if I'm being true to myself.  2 years ago I wanted to finish school (I am now a senior at university) I wanted to work one job without a killer commute (I now commute minutes in the opposite direction of the bottleneck that leaves our area every morning)
I wanted to get the cost of my mortgage down (that came through after months and months and months of phone calls & duplicate paperwork - it's not where I want it, but it's better)  I wanted to pay off my debt (this was realized last fall and I now have a healthy relationship with a bit of good debt for school - intellectual property instead of materialistic crap)  I wanted more time to spend with my children, take care of my home, my mental health and relax a bit (this has proven to be the most difficult thing believe it or not - workaholic proves a tough dance toward serenity)

I still have great fear and financial worries that will come knocking at 3AM like a poltergeist.  I still haven't made peace with some things that have irrevocably hurt me in the past - childhood to present but I am happy to say I can keep them at bay.  I have them in a box in a mental closet and when they come to visit unexpectedly I can put them back in the box.  A friend of mine suggested a full on peace mission - 'Take them out of that box and really deal with them'  I will when I'm ready...don't worry about that box ...I know how to find it...I put it there remember?  sigh

There are things I am asked "What of the farming?"  YES! I still want to farm, the road to that has proven not to be a direct route.  I dabbled with an off site garden and chicken keep, however I noticed a subtle 'unwelcome' with the whole thing so I have chosen to wait until I have my very own space with which to do these things.  I still visit farms, admire the lifestyle, and do what I can where I currently am in life...I just finished a first bottling of dandelion wine and will be canning as local produce reaches its crescendo.

I feel a gathering within me for the next set of dreams to realize...graduating and finally moving into a career instead of 'jobs', saving for land - just land (this started the other day and I had to push it away).  I am under the gun and $ is short in our household right now, the next 6 months show no relief in this realm so how is it that I can even allow myself to think in terms like 'gee I want to save for land?'   I'll tell you how...because everything I have ever accomplished started out as a whisper...a hint... a glint...a small 'what if?'  And that is the most exciting part of who I am to myself.  The truth of what I want and what I am willing to do to get there.  It all starts with that.  I figure I will need at least 5 acres, and more will be revealed as my brain takes hold of this thought.  Love your brain, don't be afraid of it.  It truly is the greatest thing God has equipped us with.

So that's where I seem to be....hungry for more.  The down time I have worked for has been good to me, it's the rest before the next step.  As a species we were made for higher thought, it is a right, but one in our current world that must be worked for, fought for, demanded of ourselves and enjoyed to the highest reverence.  Happy Independence Day Folks - it is, after all, in our blood.


I wanted to leave you with a visual of the cosmic walk I take on Mountain Road here in Hamburg.  Many days off begin with this walk.  Wisps of ideas meet me like friends on this walk.  Tears of letting go of things have been shed on this walk.  Each time I take it, it makes me stronger...

This is right before I turn onto Mtn Road

Flocks of Turkeys are spotted everywhere there

I've always had a love affair with old posts and rusted barbed wire

I call this one the 'Disassociated Mule'

Forgotten Flowers where a house no longer stands

Abandoned on the edge of the swamp

It's so fertile...you can smell the earth, the water, the wind

I hope to meet this woman one day

This is toward the end of the loop by a restaurant...

there is no tactful way to get down there...

but I'll find one

I have often wondered who they are and if they made it

and stayed together

The swamp that trickles then runs to the river.  Ancient turtles there.

Hay wagons. slatted floors. waiting for work

There is such an abundance of water on Mtn Road 

it feels so intrinsically safe

The Green Cathedral of Maple Trees at the back entrance to my townhome.

My Church

Namaste