A Place of Wellness...I am home

I felt like a criminal this morning, like I got something over on 'The system!'  I will be waking up more naturally now that I work in the County!  I can't tell you how happy the dog is with a long morning walk :)

 

This is the view outside my office!  Nature is generous to the point of extravagance!  

One walk outside and the soul is steadied

This is my desk: PLEASE NOTE - Esperanza (my plant), Good Energy (my Himalayan Salt Shard - counteracts the energy of the machines and is a little hearth in my heart :)  

When we have a busy day the Dr. tells me to 'Crank that lamp up!'  Compliance is easy here...

This is what I get to sit in!!! Ergonomic and no fatigue!  

These peeps get me and I get them!

Gratitude to tears folks!

It's no longer what I have to do...It's what I get to do :)

  Namaste

Sirens

"Let the night teach us what we are, and the day what we should be"

-Thomas Tryon, 1691

This was last night.  I went outside because I heard the blaring of sirens everywhere.  If I could imagine a plane crash and the response it would get, that would have been it, I'm sure.  Turns out it was a north-east time of year structure fire.  Most likely a caked chimney, usually always the case.  

The last few days for me have been surreal.  We aren't even at the Full Moon yet (that would be tomorrow) and strange feelings, thoughts, and tears have taken hold of me.  On the outside all is well.  On the inside I am a screaming raging mess.  I have papers due, and laundry, the house is a mess, and there's laundry, bills to be paid, still laundry, health insurance to aquire, did I mention the frigen laundry?  My mother died around now (the body remembers) My dad needs surgery (Fuck is really all I can muster for that at present time) and it's all starting to swirl.  

I left a company that brought me safety, and ultimately bad energy.  I was being forced to sit suicide patients. Those that know me know I spent most of my child and young adult hood dealing with this suicide business and it is my one Achilles heel.  It was the proverbial razor blade that broke the artery of compliance.  No more.  I believe in Socrates;  He taught the simple concept 'Know Thyself.'  And I have come to know myself, I have laughed at myself, been angry with myself, been terrified of myself, but always certain of myself in ways that count (insert thank you for fearless warrior genes here).  I said good-bye.  It's always the people we will miss.  When you spend hours upon hours side by side with other souls your energy begins to dance with them.  That energy was good, it was the dance floor that went tragically wrong.

I loaded up my locker and like the poet Thomas Gray; 'took one last lingering look behind.'  But only one.  I left early, made a getaway amid tears and friendship-Thankfully I've always known when to exit a party.  I felt as though, if I didn't make it down the elevator, I would surely suffocate.  I took the stairs.  I did so with the understanding that next time I showed my mug here (if I ever did) I would be but a guest.  No longer privy to 'secret passages', employee elevators, donuts in the break-room, or staff toilets and never ending twisted jokes about the humanity that holds us all at gunpoint. 

The front lobby doors opened.  The whoosh of outside air was a drink of water after a desert hike.  I crossed the road and the pavement welcomed me.  It wasn't until I saw my little car, my somewhat borrowed car, that the tears started. 

I was leaving a place that had granted me stability, taught me work ethic, taught me that I could live through 16 hour days and wake up and do it again and again.  None of this was lost on me.  I walked away from all of that.  I strapped my huge bag on my back and walked again like a hobo a bit further down this road called life.  The bag is always huge because I find comfort in books.  My Advanced Directive reads: Die in a Library.

With the river to my back, I looked at the sky.  It was brilliant.  Like a paintbrush slashed pink and orange all over a growing inkyness.  I sucked my breath in and realized...actually said out loud "all of my big moments I go alone."  It is the hand I've been dealt.  God won't give you things you can't handle, but I've wondered many times if his assessment of my abilities is a hell of a lot higher than it should be. 

That moment left me with an emotional hangover that lasted a good two days.  I find myself with much compassion for people that retire. The story of my great grandfather took on new meaning "He retired on a Friday, and by Monday he dropped dead."  Yeah, got it now.   You cannot help but feel loss.  But with great loss most times comes a greater gain.  A bad day for the ego is usually a great day for the soul.  Sucks but True.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday off.  No holidays, no weekends.  Out in time to make dinner.  A place of wellness set in teeming meadows 15 minutes from my home.  Good people untouched by corporate bullshit.  

Two young men that still need their mother and hopefully always will have been waiting 5 years for this.  

Last night the sirens screamed terror in our town.  Last night my 16 year old wanted to go out at 10:30pm in a car packed with teenagers, into a black night on twisting turning roads.  My gut quietly said no, so my mouth followed.  I told him it was one night - not the rest of his life.  I also told him had he had his license I may have said yes because he is responsible and I know this.  But I wasn't placing his life in someone else's hands.  Not last night.  The gut is always right.  He accepted this answer because it was the raw truth.  

So sirens blared, my son was pissed but getting over it, my little one wanted to shoot the shit because I haven't seen him.  We talked of video games, typhoons, report cards, and his thoughts.   And the moon kept watch over all of it.

Nothing out of the ordinary really, except it was Friday...and I was home, where I needed to be.

I've lost, I've mourned, it's done. I'm moving on. I am hopeful once again.

Namaste

Keep Walking

Today's walk was frigid but I was bundled up tight.  I went at a quick pace and gulped as much air as I could.  It was fresh and raw.  I thought about the two days I have in front of me.  They will be my last 2 days at the hospital that has employed me for the last 5 years.  The job steadied me in so many ways and help provide for my children, but it was becoming a terribly unhealthy atmosphere.  I have one Achilles heal and it was getting kicked...repeatedly.  I asked for a sign and was granted one.  My angel said 'Pick up your bed and walk.'

I move toward a better opportunity with an 'opposite traffic' everyday commute 15-20 min from home.  A random Saturday every 3 or so months, more hours = more $.  No holidays, no weekends, no kidding.  Benefits are going to cost more but I suppose there is always a compromise.  It all came to be so seamlessly.  I know it could only have been divine intervention.  The staff is caring and the work we do there is positive and good.  The job is so me, it's amazing.

The one thing I am looking forward to is better health inside and out.  It is truly a place of wellness set across from a rolling meadow that stretches into the day like a lazy lover.  I don't begin work until 8AM.  (Far different from the 4:30 wake-up call to rush to traffic to SIT in traffic java'd up and arrive for 7AM.  I did what I had to do to keep the sky from falling.  The sky is safe now, and so am I.

What I am truly in love with is that I will have time for my morning meditation.  I will wake in a more natural manner.  I will be able to take care of my cosmic responsibilities (my children) and make sure their day starts with good energy.  And of course my morning walk which energizes me and clears me like nothing else can.

I rounded the last bend of my walk this morning and passed my boat - Nessie.  And as my feet hit the crunchy pavement as they will, hopefully each morning from Friday on, I began chanting in time with my steps....  Just keep going, Just keep going, Just keep going....Breath, Breath, Breath.

I read a quote years ago by Winston Churchill: "When you are walking through hell, keep walking"  and that my friends is exactly what I have done.  

My life is generous to the point of extravagance and that will never go unnoticed.

Namaste  

Day off Project

There is just something about the fall that makes me intrinsically creative...

This table had been sitting in my fathers shed admid pool supplies, fuel, and leaf-blowers.  He had polished it (nothing escapes Murphy's Soap with my dad) then given it to me to use as a little cottage occasional side table.  Anyone that knows me knows I am a compulsive reader...Anything...EVERYTHING.  So a bedside table was in order.  I brought my son William with me to match the color of my existing bedroom set (cottage white).  $9.50 @ Walmart...

 I gave it a good sanding to rough it up.

I decided to totally 'Bliss Out' with this project.  Out came the space heater that in my mind acted as a little potbelly stove....Was I in a townhouse garage?  No sir- mentally I was in a small cabin working on a project on a dark winter day.  I added an Audio Book - But the mind put Mr. James Wesley Rawles in a rocking chair behind me personally reading his work "Survivors" out loud to his only audience...Me.

For the first time in a long time I didn't rush, I didn't think about work and the transition that is taking my low blood pressure to new heights. I didn't think about insurance plans, next sets of goals, how much $ was in the bank or how much $ wasn't in the bank.  I just breathed and simply painted, slow and smooth, and stayed in the moment.  I allowed myself to be told a story, to feel subtle warmth on my back, and to just create.

I gave it a second coat (more for me than the wood I think) - I just didn't want to get out of the happy cocoon I had created in my garage and my head.  But alas a project completed is a project completed.  I hauled it up the stairs to my bedroom, put the drawer in, gave it a new knob, and admired her...

Winter is moving toward my front door in these parts.  Long dark nights are surely on the way.  One day I will be in my Tiny Home somewhere remote with a small potbelly stove.  But for now my cottage table will hold a lamp with low light bulbs that glow, any number of books that I'm reading, always a glass of water, and the prettiness such a table deserves.

In the end my Little Cottage Table gave far more to me than I could have ever given to her.

Let yourself slow down and enjoy the moment a wee bit more

Namaste