Treading Fear - Let it Be

As I get older, the only thing I know for certain is that change is the only thing I can count on.  Beginning yesterday I was wracked with fear.  I got a terrible review on my paper for my class.  The characters were implausible and one dimensional and my dialogue, according to the review, was unrealistic followed up by "who really speaks like that?!" Well....I do.  Perhaps the review was harsh, perhaps I was oversensitive, perhaps the snippet I wrote about which happens to be my personal life would be unreal to some.  This only led to the conclusion (of which I have known all along to be an unwavering truth) and that is that MY life truly is stranger than fiction.

Having that bomb land on my ass after a class of accolades thus far wounded my pride.  Then I looked around at reality ( i was @ work when I got the email and I work in an intensive care unit) and thought my pride could handle it.  It is a blip on the radar, nothing else, but it still pissed me off.  I am being reviewed by talented people although at 42 I am sure I am the senior citizen of the group.  My professor was gracious enough to say 'why not just start over'  Why not?  That was the first bomb that stoked the kindling of fear to a flame of "What if I don't pass this class?  What if I can't get to the next one? What if I don't graduate? What if I don't get out of these jobs and onto where I belong?  What if I don't belong anywhere?"

Bomb # 2 happened in a more subtle way. Right when I opened my eyes this morning it began.  The choices I have in front of me right now.   Like when you ask for a parachute as a gift and then you are given one and realize this means you must now jump out of a plane. FUDGE.  The what if's ran rampant.  What if I make this switch and wind up hating it?  what if what is dressed as increased professional autonomy lands me in the lake of more accountability and less flexibility time wise? What if the health insurance will be sketchy for a bit and in that time frame I develop some unheard of illness that won't be covered - some brilliant form of explosive anal leakage? I sat in this for a bit and then had a light come on.  Fear in that moment had led me to believe that an undiscovered illness and health insurance disaster was more likely than my ability to work it all out.  What did this say about me? What did this say about Faith.  I laughed out loud as I sat on the lifeguard stand @the beach after my walk.  Even THAT was ironic - Lifeguard stand - No lifeguard - SAVE YOURSELF !

And as I looked over the rippling lake water of fall, an idea for a short story came floating into my mind.  Not the cosmic connected type that flows through my days but a concrete mechanical one that would salvage my grade.  And just as I was about to berate myself for sidestepping art and higher thought for the whoreish exchange of a mechanical story for a decent grade - I forgave myself.  I am only human and maybe this little 'give' will take another step to the freedom of writing for me one day.  Yes?  Yes.  A friend told me to not allow the demon of fear one more second of my precious life energy - good advice I decided to take.  I let my pride go and today will rise to the task at hand.  Mechanical story - check.

As for work - well I am a cosmic person and I feel being open to signs is a big part of who I am.  It always have been, and I hope it will always be as such.  I thought of the new position.  It will be physically healthier. It will be a common goal of wellness.  The schedule will be ok- with time in the morning to devote to my love of nature, walks, and thought.  The time with my fast growing boys will be greatly increased.  The commute will be gone.  The weekends will be mine. Dinner time will ensue.  There will be more balance.  The insurance will be sketchy but life can be sketchy.  Things can go wrong - but I'm putting my chips on Things going right.  Explosive Anal Leakage be damned.

 I left my meditation on the waters edge a bit lighter in spirit and  rounded the gate to my car.  There, in the middle of the faded gray asphalt of the street, in the morning woodland chill, was a Magnificent Deer.  He stopped and stared at me and I stared back at him.  It was chilly enough that his little puffs of breath were visible.  He had antlers.  Not huge, but somewhere in between-kind of where I find myself in life.  They looked a darker brown and fuzzy.  He held them with pride as he paused and raised his head with dignity.  I imagined him saying "Admit it Crisy, you've missed seeing things like me."  And with a nod he turned elegantly and made his way toward the back of someones property that sloped to the water. 

I believe everything is going to work out just fine.

New Chapter

My last few days off have been taken up with things that required immediate attention; Boys who sustained injuries in sports (both will be fine), Payments that needed addressing (Most will be fine), Paperwork that needed ink (Fine Fine)  A seemingly endless supply of clothes to launder, and other things that can cause time to simply evaporate under the best intentions.  But this morning?  This morning was all mine!

It was a balmy 29 degrees when I drove the boys to school.  I contemplated rushing home to tend to the dishes in the sink among other 'must do's' on my ever growing list.  But the call of the wild was far greater by far and would not be ignored - Like a lover on a night lit by the moon I ventured out.  I bundled up and found myself at the lake where I had grown up to make the trek around.  

Some days the veil of my age lifts and I can hear my friends and I splashing in the summer sun, with a radio drifting the day away for us.  Or I mentally map out where every single bon-fire took place, every kiss, every tear.  Pieces of my energy are still there like scattered shards of diamonds and they call to me.  I find such comfort in them though they do on occasion bring tears to eyes that have seen so much since those innocent beautiful dragging days and nights.   

And I walk.  And I breath.  And I let it all wash over me.  Because it is such a part of me, it is sometimes hard to tell where it starts and I end, so I've learned to just let it be.

I have reached a point where I am in a better position to know what is best for me, to not have to compromise quite so much on things that shift my soul and my innate sense of purpose.  A long phone call in my car (sometimes the only place for privacy in a busy home)  left me grateful with the hope of possibility.  It has been 8 long years the last 5 of them spent suffering from my own over-vigilance.  Like a child that exhausts themselves with a ball, I couldn't let everything hit the ground.  I kept watch, I kept working 2 sometimes 3 jobs then home to my most important job of being a mother.  Sleepless nights where I would blink and the alarm would sound - I pushed my soul, I pushed my bones, I pushed with everything I had and alot of what I didn't have.  I drew on strength.  I prayed.  I swore.  Then I prayed some more.  On nights I couldn't pray for me I prayed for others, people who were good, people who had hurt me, people who had saved me.  I wrote until my fingers just about bled in journals - hopes- dreams- goals - over and over and over.  Brainwashing myself that it was all possible, and not to give up - not to be a surface person that lost that face, the simple face of hope.  I found the fear of being that way is the other side of the coin now.  How do I not be that way?  How do I, in a steadying that has literally taken years,  let worry now drift away like the mist of morning on a sunny day?

This fall finds me making choices for the health of my mind, my body, and my family.  These choices are mine to make.  If I fall on my ass at anytime I won't stay down, I've got what it takes, this I know.  I now have choices as opposed to dire decisions.  I am humble when I think of that girl 5 years ago that sat cross-legged on her bedroom floor in a sea of paper vowing to do whatever it took to get in a better place.  God and the Universe smiled on her that day and struck a deal.  She would work hard, struggle with doubt and fear but in exchange for that and trust in what she couldn't see - all would be delivered.  Maybe not all at once, but in time, in circumstance, in faith.  Life would not let her down.

This fall finds me changing with the leaves and onto places that will serve the whole being. I am putting myself through school and making employment choices that align with who I truly am.  I have grown in so many ways.  I have learned so much.  I love my life because it is mine and no one else's.  

My walk was humbling, reflective, and exciting.  And all I could do when I finished was to stand by the water gulping the brisk fresh air, gaze at the forest that was for a moment, all mine and raise my eyes to the sky and simply whisper... Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

Here's to a new notebook, and the next chapter.

Namaste

Tiny Home Web pic

One day I'm gonna live big in a tiny home :)

The Boys

Boys Boys

Bigger than me - Teeming with LIFE

Soaked with dew.

Boys that came from a thought, from the stars.  

Here Now. Here Before. Here Ever More.

Boys.

My Boys.

The pride expands

Blue eyes; one Navy, one Sky.

Boys held my hand when all was new, kissed my lips goodnight.

My Cheeks rolled with tears at their love.

They grew like plants in a sacred garden in the deepest soil that is my soul.

My air I would give.  My life is theirs.

I see their strength, their hearts...Like lions pulsing in the mist at dawn.

They stand with purpose.  Their Life set before them like an endless Meadow.

Raw Beauty.  Raw Love.

The hope of eternity rests easy on their shoulders.

Good Boys.

The Last thing I could hope to gaze upon before I take my last breath.

The very best thing I ever could have hoped to have done was them.

I keep them safe - I hold them up.

From the beginning. Now to the End.

My Boys.  My Sons.

The World Smiles on You.

Such a Gift.

One Navy.  One Sky.

Only Love.

My Boys.