I was sitting in class the other morning - I attend university Monday and Wednesdays during the day and Tuesday nights for a 3 hour 'capstone' class. A capstone class - in the literary sect is described as your 'crowning jewel' of writing and literary prowess upon graduating. The night class is a good mix of very young students and professional adults that work during the day and are grabbing their education at night. The other 3 classes I am taking, not so much.
As many of you know I have been on an extended spending halt with anything deemed frivolous. I had heard stories of bootstrap budgeting when I was a child - we were all the children of immigrants. Clothes got passed down, toys were something you made, books were from libraries only, and clothes were hand me downs-stitched fixes-that you made do with. I had a total of 8 aunts from both parents and proudly heard the stories of my Godmother who wore the same three outfits for like five years while working and saving to buy a house. Been there, done that. When I committed to climbing out of debt and started working crazy hours at the hospital - I adopted that philosophy. I have made do with just a few outfits, random trips to thrift stores, mending and altering, and I was fine with it for a long time...
Use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without.
So there I was sitting in my day class next to students that were so young I could've given birth to. It wasn't my age that was bothering me, I'm just one of those women that enjoy the differences and always extend the hand of kindness to the younger ones, partly because I know it isn't an easy world we live in and partly because in a way it's nostalgic. I couldn't define what was bothering me and I looked down at my sneakers (the only new things I have really purchased in the last few years.) It sort of nagged at me to the point where I couldn't focus on what the professor was saying. Then it hit me - it was my style, or rather my lack of style.
Style - Fashion is a distinctive and often habitual trend in the style in which a person dresses. (or so says the Internet)
And there it was - Somewhere on this road I had lost my mojo.
It wasn't hard to do - let's face it I've had a full plate for years now and even though I chose this path, it wasn't easy, but it's been worth it. I'm mom Inc. Short order cook. Pioneer woman (canning, wine making, bread baking, and recently environmental laundress see prior post), I work as much as I can while attending school full time, much of my free time is spent doing homework and researching personal interests, meeting up once a week with fantastic friends, I try to stay active (even though my ass isn't looking so great lately - comfort food weather here in the shire), Cleaning (ongoing), keeping an eye on finances, planning retirement strategies so that when I do land a better income I'll know what to do, researching education for my child that is graduation in June, researching cars for my other child that just passed his permit test, fielding death threats and hate v-mails from my ex-husband (joking...sort of), unclogging toilets, keeping up with oil changes, trying new recipes, and I do these things willingly with a positive attitude because I love my life and struggle to remain grateful at every turn.
But sometimes, I think, a woman needs to be a soft creature as well. She needs womanly things - and I have been denying myself those things. I have been mother and father to two wonderful boys but the time has come to get back to Crisy a bit. Even as I write this it sounds selfish. I do believe mostly that budget is to blame, but there is always the fragrance of undeserving that wafts in. I need to pay attention to that. So what seems superficially frivolous may have gone deeper for me. I feel undeserving of things at time. Let's face it I couldn't make that wealthy (but shitty) marriage work, I'm obtaining my education like a Mercury retrograde, I'm not pulling in a big income, I've been abused in life and smiled through it, I've been told countless times girls should get married and be thrilled about it (we've seen how that went.) The only saving grace is that I was blessed with a warrior spirit, I just won't stop. But there is a soft side to me that needs to be addressed. So here it is...
I've always had pretty good hair, but it has been YEARS since I've had a professional haircut - I usually just chop what needs to be chopped and put a rinse through it every now and then and it's fine. The last haircut I had gotten was about 8 years ago - a face frame - and I walked out of the salon looking like David Cassidy in drag. That was the end. Plus I have alot of hair so a cut and style for me would run around $80. No can do on the bootstrap budget, so I'm saving - I'm thinking long layers (because it curls) and I always am happiest when its a bit untamed and wild (sort of like me)
Pedicure/manicure - I don't care that I scrub pots and unclog toilets I want a manicure - no not fake nails or anything like that - way to high maint for me, but just a little sparkle. And I like my little hobbit feet...their oddly sensual. No, no foot fetish here, but I do enjoy barefoot on sand, grass and even walking to my mailbox sometimes. I think its the caress of the air.
Massage - Hot stone therapy period.
I cannot and will not buy a new wardrobe but I have made the decision to buy a few things. I came across this article a while ago about people dressing in 'uniform.' It's like a personal non-stress choice to wear something you feel good in and don't have to think much about. I currently have 2 good pairs of jeans (a third ok pair) that look good on my fit my height (4'11 3/4) and feel trendy. So that's a base I suppose. I've always felt comfortable in a nice v-neck black (somewhat thin) sweater, so I have decided to buy a few of those 2 black, 1 navy, and 1 brown. I love cowboy boots but they aren't always practical so I have decided to invest in those (somewhat androgynous) lace up black combatty type boots. I miss my silver hoop earrings so I'm gonna get some of those, and I'm good necklace wise as I usually wear my glass LBI pendant - I love that necklace, it was made at a place called Swell in LBI -a glass artist that bakes a tiny bit of sand into colored glass and gives it a hemp chain - it's become my signature piece I guess. I had good jewelry when I was married and it sits in a deposit box with important stuff, and as 'good' as that jewelry is none of it has ever gained the visceral response that my LBI necklace does. I cannot wait to get back to the ocean - the vibe is getting close for me to just drive down there soon.
So there it is - a mini wardrobe makeover- what I need to do for myself. If you haven't set yourself on fire from the boredom of reading this post (Airplane movie Macho Grande), try to think of those things that will make you feel a bit better.
This was a hard realization for me because I've been working on the 'inside' of me for so long - hey maybe that's a good thing! Maybe it's renovated enough on the inside to start on the exterior?!
Remember to Invest in YOU sometimes.
Namaste
