I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone that has
contacted me via email, text, fb and otherwise during my ‘blog hiatus’ – (is that
even possible? A concept? Who knows…) to make sure I was ok.
Things got quite dark for a while...
I was in school, working less hours and got
behind on things. I began reassessing
everything – a sort of paralysis by analysis.
It didn’t help that this winter seemed darker, I know the solstice, the
time frames, and all of those celestial things I seem so sensitive to remained
as they always have – but something had changed (perhaps in me?) I had lost my footing and nothing seemed
doable. I grappled with faith and
questioned my relation to all I held dear.
Don’t get me wrong I had a fully present time with my family
this year, more so than others, but it wasn’t the present time that was the
issue…it was the future that was coming.
I was immobilized and afraid of the weeks that were ahead of me, the months
that were rapidly and darkly approaching, and the year that loomed like a dark poltergeist
waiting to consume my strength. I wrote
in my journal daily, I filled page upon page with gratitude lists of all I had
and what I didn’t (serious illness and the like.) And yet I couldn’t shake it, I just couldn’t
get out of it. I secretly wondered if it
had all caught up with me, everything I had ever done wrong, or without good
intention, or with darkness of thought – if it was all coming home to
roost. I truly wondered if this new year
would be the year that it all would fall apart – that I would become my mother
and opt out of this thing we call life. I laid low like a prisoner in a forest,
in the dirt and brush afraid to pick up their head to form an escape.
I had never prayed so much in my life. I fell to my knees more days than I can
remember. I begged for this feeling to
be taken from me. I was robbing myself
of the present over fear of time that hadn’t yet been realized. School was almost over and the $ thing caught
up with me – right in time for Christmas.
The only people that seemed to call were the electric company, the phone
company, the gas company- all to tell me what I already knew – I was
behind. If you ever think that financial
rough patches can’t touch you, think again.
I vowed even further to one day end the imprisonment of financial
stress.
What had compounded this problem is that I was reaching the
beginning of the end of school. I had
gotten a grant (that I feared would be revoked DAILY) and by some sort of
miracle a student loan (to which I also figured they would realize had been an
error of judgment and not only revoke it but kick me out of school as
well.) I was like a horse at the gate
that wouldn’t open. The workaholic in me
screamed through sleepless nights “What the hell are you doing? School is frivolous – you can't feed your kids text
books, grow up and get your ass to work 70hrs a week will fix this in a few
months!”
But I couldn’t . I had to keep going , if I left school or
went part time they would yank my grant and my graduation would be another year
and I knew damn sure that towel I had been holding would certainly be thrown in
for good – I ended the semester with four grades: A, A, A, B+. Did I feel accomplished? No, I felt like I
had done something wrong and so undeserving it was terrifying. I had another semester to go (the one I am in
now) and the grant was also tied to this.
MADNESS ENSUED and raped my soul daily.
In the middle of all of this my ex-husband decided to
royally fk around. I’ve often heard you
go through 2 divorces – the first one and the second at the tail end as the
kids grow up. This is true. He threatened, then he messed around with the $
(which compounded my mental state beyond sane) His personality type is this;
when a weakness is sniffed out – GO FOR THE KILL. Sigh. Again I was reminded why I divorced. It all boiled down to $ that he wanted. I consulted an attorney and she gave
excellent pro-bono advice on how to rectify my dealings so everything was solid
on my end. I left feeling better – not
much because I still couldn’t pay shit, but a bit better.
Then the words swirled around me. ..’school at your
age? Ha good luck with that’ ‘Give it up already you’re as far as you’re going
to go’ and many many other tapes that I had heard my whole life through – ‘girls
don’t need an education – they will just get married and have kids’ Let me tell you – all of you that have female
children, it is most likely more important that girls have an education as
opposed to their male counterparts. That
isn’t easy for me to say because I have sons (both are which on target –Thank God
- to get higher educations.) It is very important for girls and women to be
educated even if they grow up, stay home and give birth 13 times. Trust me on this one. Teach them to know they can rely on
themselves, and that they may need to one day.
That being said I made an odd peace with myself standing on my deck during a
snowfall…I resigned myself to the darkness I had felt and I sat in the fear for a while - this is what came out:
I chose this. I
wanted this. I still want this. If there is a collateral damage to this
decision; I accept it fully. If my
electric gets shut off I accept that. If
my house runs into foreclosure before I walk across that stage and get me
degree SO BE IT. There is no way around
this. There is only through this. I am not fearless, but I will walk through this shit in spite of fear.
Should I have done this when I was 23? Sure. But here’s the deal – I only have now, right
now, today, this moment. I will accept
the fear to be able to accept the victory, because I will not stop until this
goal is achieved. It has become one of
those things. All of the people that I
allowed to put doubt in my path, I accept them as well – they are part of this
journey. In the end, only I have the
final say, the final verdict on continuance.
I will not break. I have seen
darkness, fear, hopeless but my future is MY FUTURE. I OWN THAT SHIT.
Come what may, I step forward – this is me now - and that’s it.
I choose to keep going.
I urge you to do the same.
It is always darkest before dawn, but dawn always comes.
Namaste
