11/6 - Past Midnight
Day of Full Moon
I know it is easy to deflect worry onto something in the form of anger. Self awareness brings me here. I am taking that into account, as well as the moon.
Welcome to my free writing - it happens. It's a bleed out, a soul purge, a long mental walk beyond tired and no turning back. I make no apologies for myself when I am this raw and primal...
Disappointment evolved into anger and anger has shifted to apathy which may be the worst emotion there is because its twin (should she survive that precipice of a birth canal) is complacency and she needs to be smothered on the table to save me.
When I look around at what I do and the lives I am cosmically responsible for, I see my essence as a force multiplier - personality, ambition, passion, humor, brutal honesty, spirituality, and gumption. I must be honest, as far as 'catches' go I am a prized horses ass.
What on earth kind of crater am I sitting in? I have said the same things over and over and it is only my voice echoing back.
Consideration seems an impossibility, but let's face it my friend, relationships were never my strong point. Would it be so much to suggest the minutiae? Yes, I understand there is a timed contribution to keep it all going, but that doesn't buy the 'All about You' greatest hits, that's over there in the dollar bin now.
After hours of work and a fresh bleached floor one should take their shoes off...unless, that is of course, that you don't care which is so blatantly obvious it is sitcom worthy. I have the inside word... that season is about to be cancelled, it's just not holding the ratings like it used to.
Your negative energy has left me an exhausted cheerleader, asleep under the bleachers. And winter is coming.
I've closed the book on even a shitty greasy grilled cheese sandwich on a paper plate that I didn't make. This armor I wear is so heavy, yet so comfortable. This mask is fucking stifling.
Some entities are givers, some are takers, so say the stars and my tea leaves.
When I walk into the forest I have only to forage for myself. I only have myself to blame should I stray from the path and stumble into green endings.
You work hard. I have all my life, I've navigated hope and abuse in one fell swoop. No voice left to state my case, no desire to waste precious breath at this age.
You care for yourself the way a factory cares for a river it quietly pollutes day after day with no thought of tomorrow. I have been a mother more than half of my life. I am happy with the children I have. I do not need anymore. Mine are growing strong like oaks. Some in the world never grow up. They are selfish little beings sitting on stools at mahogany bars - children in grown up bodies. Manipulation their only ace in the hand...'drink up'...'here here'
You have turned your greatest dream into a dull gray night I turn from.
I had hopes before the volcano. I hike across those cool lava fields solo now.
I gut my own meat. I harvest my drink from the glacier sky. I pray over the small seeds I planted as they sprout. A lush forest will stand before me one day - soft, hopeful, and teeming.
You look at your hand again, your Ace.
I have no tells.
I'm finally all in for me.
I'm the long shot
The Full House
The one you didn't see coming.
The Royal Flush
I'll see you that bottle and raise you my worth in sea glass.
I never fold
