Worth it

Studying like crazy today and came across something that give me pause, and a tear, and a hope, and a smile...Some things just make it all worth it


"[If] you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be." Joseph Campbell - The Power of Myth

Keep going

Cozy

I was so very happy to end up my work week yesterday!  Things with school are truly amping up for the big finish mid December.  It seems as though everything (i.e. massive research papers, powerpoints, projects, exams, etc.) are all vying for my attention.

Winter slammed into us with a seemingly 40 degree drop literally overnight.  I'm still running here and there without a jacket and I get those looks (what's wrong with you??)  I chalk it up to thick iron rich blood (after a young adulthood of slight anemia - go figure)  Now I seem to be quite iron rich (I've been tested - it's up there - but apparently I'm ok)  Honestly, it has helped me understand myself more.  I've been like this for a while.  People can be chilly at work and there I am in a T-shirt bangin out the day. I've given up on gazing wistfully at intricate sweaters that would look oh-so-pretty at work but would have me uncomfortable in a matter of minutes.  Also our office is in a building where the windows are set into a brick exterior and you cannot open them...sigh.  I really should have been a park ranger...

So today I woke up to a disaster of a kitchen (remember I live with men)  so in my PJ's I scrubbed bleached swept and mopped and in a matter of an hour and a half the kitchen and its owner were happy.

The thermostat in my home read 63 but I am pretty comfy.  The kitchen is truly the heart of any home I've ever been in so on a chilly day (and a day off) I wanted to get my domestic freak on...

I'm going to be doing another batch of potato soup and it calls for crumbled bacon - awesome tip bake it at 350 degrees until done - it comes out perfect every time plus it heats up a hobbit kitchen...

Done to perfection and yes I do save bacon grease - a little goes a long way with other cooking :)

I have a friend and when either one of us frequents a farm market we grab garlic or other little yummies we think we may like...I always have suspicions as to garlic being radiated or not, you cannot truly tell until after you roast it - I can't explain it but there is a different smell to it.

I invested in this toaster/convection oven a while ago because I knew we would be doing the basement over (it's coming out splendidly I can't wait to show you!) and there will be a 'bar kitchen' down there (read possible rentable little one bedroom situation)  This little mighty appliance can cook chicken & bake bread!  I roasted the garlic in it while the bacon was cooking in the big stove because I didn't want either to 'absorb' the flavor of the other - I slice the top off the garlic head, drizzle w olive oil, sprinkle with kosher salt and put in a foil 'gift pack' twisted at top- 350 degrees for 40 min

This is the finished garlic!  It is a lovely golden color, sadly though they were irradiated because the smell was off - they can still be used but not in my weekly bread batch (or at all if you are fastidious about irradiated food)  The tip off should've been the empty cloves.  A true farm garlic will start to sprout, it can't help it.  I cook it green sprouts and all!  What can I say? I'm a sloppy garlic lover.  I think some are sold dried as well?  But this one had the tell tale signs - 

and when you love your little men the way I do - well go for the real deal.

Every week I brew 1-2 quarts of tea for my own iced tea.  This is a quart Ball Jar (because I LOVE Ball Jars!)  I suspend 6 tea bags tied to a wood skewer over the top, boil the water, pour and let it steep for an hour or more until cool.

This is a small (pint) Ball Jar I bring my tea to work in (everyday)  It started when I read some scary things about plastic being an endocrine disruptor.  Any little change is one in the right direction.  It isn't that much heavier and I'm reducing my waste stream.  Ball Jars are made to withstand pressure and boiling - they are workhorses, not delicate and honestly not that breakable either

      You may have noticed the computer in the background? My son rigged up an old main frame and flat screen so I can watch my vlogs and youtube things while I cook (I think the boys just feel secure when I spend hours in the kitchen?)  My favorites?   Old 'In search of" (history channel?) videos with Leonard Nimoy (yeah I know), Kirsten Dirksen Channel on YouTube which is a fair trade company that features Tiny Homes and intentional living practices from around the globe, Cold Antler Farm Vlog - which features Jenna talking about her life and farm (This is the farm I go to in NY state for 'classes' when I can! I also love Peak Moment, The Domestic Geek, River Cottage (the early years - where Hugh sets up a homestead along a river in Dorset (I think?) and learns sustainable practices - the UK is way ahead of this with these things!  Sometimes I will binge out and watch Netflix; The Vikings, Breaking Bad, American Horror Story, whatever.  Oh I am also a complete and helpless documentary nerd.  

It's my kitchen and I dig it - I am hoping to 're-do' it in the next month or so.  Nothing fancy just trying to get this place rentable - so I can get to my own dirt.  I've sourced old cabinets (instead of this arsenic (I'm sure) ridden factory rollout kitchen) I found an engineered (uber cheap) floor that will give it that scrappy look, Chalk paint for my the pie safe my dad made (this will hold potatoes, onions, garlic, my homemade wine and canning goods.  I've also got my eye on reclaimed wood slabs (again cheap - perhaps free!!!) for counter tops.  I'm happy about this because a few months ago I wasn't sure about the mortgage etc or keeping the place.  In that time though, I was able to psychologically divorce myself from the notion of home being a set place...home is where I roast my garlic, brew my wine and bake my bread.  It's an energy exchange.  It's wherever I am feeding the people I love.

One last tip!  When its a bit chilly and you are finished baking - leave the oven door open 

for the rest of the heat to escape and make your kitchen even more cozy...

Enjoy your home - but remember it is not four walls and things that make it home - it is you, your energy, and the love you give that makes it so.

Namaste

Success

Dark Days come

So does Dawn

And you realize;

Success is rarely

A Straight Line

The 6:47

It was 6:47 and I looked at her with compassion.  She needed a friend.  It had been a long, long time since I’d seen that look on her face.  It was a bit bewildered.  She told me she wasn’t quite sure what was going on…only that she felt different.  She wasn’t sure what this particular reckoning was about.

The Tornado.  It seemed over – but fuck, what a mess to be cleaned up.

I tried to calm her down.

I wanted to be a friend, but really; what on earth could I say?  Where could I start?

So I said the only thing I could, the only things that I could think of.

She wasn’t upset, she wasn’t crying, she wasn’t angry – she was…haunted.  Like one that wakes up mid dream in the woods and wonders why it’s cold because she’s still under a down comforter in bed, the night outside the glass.  The most dangerous thing to do is breathe – deeply -and live.

I found words for her.  I spoke soft but steady – like you would to a spooked animal that could pummel you to death, and even that - a soft caring voice - wouldn’t take that haunted look from the wild beasts’ eyes. 

Time.  She needed time. 

She needed calm.  A voice had to get through to her. 

I focused on her eyes even though she looked hollow.

“It won’t always be like this,” I said nodding.

“You are doing the best you can with what you’ve got.  God has a plan for you, a hope, and a future.”

She nodded slightly.

“But you need to keep going, toward that future because you can’t stay where you are.  You know that, I know you do.  You just can’t stay.”  I put my hand on my chest, she seemed to understand, and squinted a bit – for a moment I thought she might well up and tear, but she was stone.

“It won’t always be like this.  Right now will pass, I promise.

Just

Let it pass.”

“You feel totally alone; you always have though, haven’t you?”   The way her head moved passed for  an acquiescence.  “Your kids are good, better than good; you are doing a good job.”  She did tear up with that; I seemed to be getting through. 

“Just keep going, none of this other shit matters – one day it will all be history, every fucked up second of it.”  A tear slid and she bit her upper lip.  She gets angry at herself far too easy when she feels weak She gets confused when it’s quiet like this – when it’s just she and I.  No one, no one ever sees her.  Not like this.  Not haunted like this.  Never like this.

She took in a deep breath and blew out, like there were birthday candles.  She told her kids to do that when they were little – breathe and blow out candles when they would cry, it always seemed to work.

“So what are you going to do?” I asked

“I’m going to keep going.” She answered.

I nodded.

She nodded.

Then I went downstairs to get the Windex, realizing I had missed that mirror when I had cleaned this morning.

All the words are gonna bleed from me

And I will think no more

-The White Stripes

No Tells

11/6 - Past Midnight

Day of Full Moon

I know it is easy to deflect worry onto something in the form of anger.  Self awareness brings me here.  I am taking that into account, as well as the moon.

     Welcome to my free writing - it happens.  It's a bleed out, a soul purge, a long mental walk beyond tired and no turning back.  I make no apologies for myself when I am this raw and primal...

     Disappointment evolved into anger and anger has shifted to apathy which may be the worst emotion there is because its twin (should she survive that precipice of a birth canal) is complacency and she needs to be smothered on the table to save me.

     

    When I look around at what I do and the lives I am cosmically responsible for, I see my essence as a force multiplier - personality, ambition, passion, humor, brutal honesty, spirituality, and gumption.  I must be honest, as far as 'catches' go I am a prized horses ass.

     

     What on earth kind of crater am I sitting in?  I have said the same things over and over and it is only my voice echoing back.

     Consideration seems an impossibility, but let's face it my friend, relationships were never my strong point.  Would it be so much to suggest the minutiae?  Yes, I understand there is a timed contribution to keep it all going, but that doesn't buy the 'All about You' greatest hits, that's over there in the dollar bin now.

     After hours of work and a fresh bleached floor one should take their shoes off...unless, that is of course, that you don't care which is so blatantly obvious it is sitcom worthy.  I have the inside word... that season is about to be cancelled, it's just not holding the ratings like it used to.

     Your negative energy has left me an exhausted cheerleader, asleep under the bleachers.  And winter is coming.  

     

     I've closed the book on even a shitty greasy grilled cheese sandwich on a paper plate that I didn't make.  This armor I wear is so heavy, yet so comfortable.  This mask is fucking stifling.

     Some entities are givers, some are takers, so say the stars and my tea leaves.  

     When I walk into the forest I have only to forage for myself.  I only have myself to blame should I stray from the path and stumble into green endings.

     You work hard.  I have all my life, I've navigated hope and abuse in one fell swoop.  No voice left to state my case, no desire to waste precious breath at this age.

     You care for yourself the way a factory cares for a river it quietly pollutes day after day with no thought of tomorrow.  I have been a mother more than half of my life.  I am happy with the children I have.  I do not need anymore.  Mine are growing strong like oaks.  Some in the world never grow up.  They are selfish little beings sitting on stools at mahogany bars - children in grown up bodies.  Manipulation their only ace in the hand...'drink up'...'here here'

     You have turned your greatest dream into a dull gray night I turn from.

I had hopes before the volcano.  I hike across those cool lava fields solo now.

I gut my own meat.  I harvest my drink from the glacier sky.  I pray over the small seeds I planted as they sprout.  A lush forest will stand before me one day - soft, hopeful, and teeming.

You look at your hand again, your Ace.

I have no tells.

I'm finally all in for me.

I'm the long shot

The Full House

The one you didn't see coming.

The Royal Flush

I'll see you that bottle and raise you my worth in sea glass.

I never fold