Mountain Road in Repose
Haven’t been on here much and I have truly missed
it! So many things going on in my
household it’s been tough to keep it straight!
I’m hopeful everyone has had a wonderful meaningful holiday. And so here go I and my fellow humans
barreling toward yet another year!
The apocalypse ‘date’ came and went. I must say the hype up did give me
pause. It made me think about the what
if’s. What if life as we knew it
ended? Would we be satisfied with the
laborious task of simply making fire and putting food on the table? What if the
proverbial rat race came to a grinding halt?
I could not let the thought go by that there may have been a collecitive
sigh of relief regarding the loss of the over engineered credit world and the
over done ‘Keeping up with the Jones’.
The word apocalypse doesn’t mean the end – It’s literal meaning is The
Great Reveal. Would the veil we have all
been living behind suddenly disappear?
Would becoming authentic no longer be a choice? I went a bit deep on this one and after all
the laughter and jokes and serious contemplation of ‘the end’, I was happy we
were all still here. My kids, my dog, my
people – this gritty little town. I’ve
been happy with my life and I’ve been disappointed with things. But I move toward 2013 a bit stronger in
certain beliefs, and an ever evolving ability to lay aside beliefs that do not
serve myself or humanity well. I
encourage everyone to do the same.
I do believe troubled times may lie ahead. But haven’t they always? People have written it, sages spoke of it,
songs have sung of it…I like to believe it has come from a place of love. I love this world, I love my people, I love
my earth, I love existing, I love RIGHT NOW….maybe the message is to tread
lightly in many aspects and be kind to all things. Realize how much you value your life and
love. Ha I may be delusional but it’s my
perception and that’s 90% of a given day I’m told!
Quiet for now...Gathering Strength...Building for things to come...
So going into 2013 I’ve made a few resolves…My above
meanderings have burned deeper into my soul to keep working hard, adjusting the
sails to get to a place with dirt, with crops, with beasts that will be well
cared for and in turn care for us. Success
isn’t a straight line and I’ve made peace to sidestep, back step, and side- My
dance toward the life I want.
One day on a makeshift wooden sign on a back road
you will find the enterance for the Chasing Coleridge Farm. It will be somewhat compact (like me) in its
occupancy area. A couple of buildings.
Small. Easy to heat. Guest structures. A
water source. A fire pit. Gardens, messy but prolific. You will hear my Rooster. You will love my chickens. I will finally be home.
This is Agamemnon - We talk...ALOT. I visit him in the AM some days..this time of year he likes his water steamy...I tell him my Farm Dreams and his look says the same thing every time -
'What are you waiting for? We need more people like you, Girl.'
2013 Has me leaving a second job to give more to
myself and my family. I will be the
biggest cheerleader for the Dr.'s office on the outside. A wonderful doctor who is, in my gut, a natural born
healer. People who have made me feel
comfortable and part of the team. And
working in town has been amazing. You
become part of the community with conversations about whose roof needs fixin’
whose cows need milkin’ and who can fix anything with a Phillips head and a
paper clip. I will miss them. (at this
writing I’ve been asked to stay on per diem – guest appearances?) We shall see...
The hospital- now the 1st job- condenses a
full week into 3 12-14 hour days (sometimes they feel endless – and lets face
it, I can’t say enough about the terror of life sucking fluorescent lighting).
But this has come with a proper health benefits package for the boys and I (Medical,
Dental, Vision) sick time, paid time off, the equivalent to 5 weeks paid
vacation, tuition reimbursement, and because they are open 24/7 there is extra
work should I need it and I know enough about my own strength by now that I will do
whatever I have to for these kids. Even times when I couldn't do for myself, I put their image at the helm and find the strength to turn the wheel.
Very strange after being a somewhat kept woman in a
wealthy marriage to now having to ‘ball up’ and make decisions based not on
what I would like, or what would ‘feel’ good, but however what will provide the
most for the entire family. Whew! I never had the confidence to do all of
this, and I still question it from time to time…and yet here I am day in and day out doing just that. I have two favorite
quotes, please don’t ask me where they came from
“Circumstance does not make a man, it reveals him to
himself”
&
“The outcomes of Life are not in being dealt a poor
hand. They are, however, in the ability
and gumption to play a poor hand well”
Last month had me signing up for school, going for a
loan modification to reduce living expenses, reworking budgets, meeting with
someone that’s ½ life coach-therapist ½ angel put in my path. I’m dealing with my ghosts of past, ghosts of
present, and learning coping skills for the ghosts yet to come. May they always keep me learning and may they always keep me sharp and hungry for life. For the old saying is so true – when you teach a
woman something, you’ve taught the whole family. I try to pass these navigational skills onto my
boys on a daily basis. I try to
encourage them to walk with integrity, and put by what doesn’t serve their
souls well. Hopefully they will
learn. These kids will never know the
love I have for them, …until of course they have their own. Not a pat on the back for me, just a glance of understanding will do one day boys...
When I look back over the last few years at the
times when I struggled the most, was scared shitless, prayed the most, and took a jump
of faith – these were the times that made right now. And I’m happy to say I am ok, a lot wiser,
still scared shitless at times, still praying for clarity – but I’m making it. Sometimes barely, but sometimes that’s all
you can ask. I’ve got a good family, fantastic friends, The
blessing of insight and breath in my lungs. In my heart that puts me ahead of my own game I play in my mind.
But I’ve still got ‘dreams’ which are now being
renamed ‘goals’ and that little crazy redhead inside me...the kid me... the real me...the one that sat at the knee of the brogue bearers listening to their tales...their strength that pumps in my veins maybe it's the same blood and inherited force of will that caused them to get on that ship and come here to America with barely anything but the
hope of a better life. That crazy little me... she whispers to me, she begs me, she yells at me.... 'Yes you can do this – you are doing this – I don't care how tired you are how weak you feel - keep going, the view will be worth it, I promise... Just keep going! Just keep going! Just keep going!
Welcome 2013... Well damn… It just sounds lucky doesn't it?
Good
Energy to you in making your dreams goals!
