2013 I AM READY

Mountain Road in Repose

Haven’t been on here much and I have truly missed it!  So many things going on in my household it’s been tough to keep it straight!  I’m hopeful everyone has had a wonderful meaningful holiday.  And so here go I and my fellow humans barreling toward yet another year!

The apocalypse ‘date’ came and went.  I must say the hype up did give me pause.  It made me think about the what if’s.  What if life as we knew it ended?  Would we be satisfied with the laborious task of simply making fire and putting food on the table? What if the proverbial rat race came to a grinding halt?  I could not let the thought go by that there may have been a collecitive sigh of relief regarding the loss of the over engineered credit world and the over done ‘Keeping up with the Jones’.  The word apocalypse doesn’t mean the end – It’s literal meaning is The Great Reveal.  Would the veil we have all been living behind suddenly disappear?  Would becoming authentic no longer be a choice?  I went a bit deep on this one and after all the laughter and jokes and serious contemplation of ‘the end’, I was happy we were all still here.  My kids, my dog, my people – this gritty little town.  I’ve been happy with my life and I’ve been disappointed with things.  But I move toward 2013 a bit stronger in certain beliefs, and an ever evolving ability to lay aside beliefs that do not serve myself or humanity well.  I encourage everyone to do the same. 

I do believe troubled times may lie ahead.  But haven’t they always?  People have written it, sages spoke of it, songs have sung of it…I like to believe it has come from a place of love.  I love this world, I love my people, I love my earth, I love existing, I love RIGHT NOW….maybe the message is to tread lightly in many aspects and be kind to all things.  Realize how much you value your life and love.  Ha I may be delusional but it’s my perception and that’s 90% of a given day I’m told!

Quiet for now...Gathering Strength...Building for things to come...

So going into 2013 I’ve made a few resolves…My above meanderings have burned deeper into my soul to keep working hard, adjusting the sails to get to a place with dirt, with crops, with beasts that will be well cared for and in turn care for us.  Success isn’t a straight line and I’ve made peace to sidestep, back step, and side- My dance toward the life I want. 

One day on a makeshift wooden sign on a back road you will find the enterance for the Chasing Coleridge Farm.  It will be somewhat compact (like me) in its occupancy area.  A couple of buildings. Small. Easy to heat.  Guest structures. A water source.  A fire pit.  Gardens, messy but prolific.  You will hear my Rooster.  You will love my chickens.  I will finally be home.

This is Agamemnon - We talk...ALOT.  I visit him in the AM some days..this time of year he likes his water steamy...I tell him my Farm Dreams and his look says the same thing every time - 

'What are you waiting for? We need more people like you, Girl.'

2013 Has me leaving a second job to give more to myself and my family.  I will be the biggest cheerleader for the Dr.'s office on the outside.  A wonderful doctor who is, in my gut, a natural born healer.  People who have made me feel comfortable and part of the team.  And working in town has been amazing.  You become part of the community with conversations about whose roof needs fixin’ whose cows need milkin’ and who can fix anything with a Phillips head and a paper clip.  I will miss them. (at this writing I’ve been asked to stay on per diem – guest appearances?)  We shall see...

The hospital- now the 1^st job- condenses a full week into 3 12-14 hour days (sometimes they feel endless – and lets face it, I can’t say enough about the terror of life sucking fluorescent lighting). But this has come with a proper health benefits package for the boys and I (Medical, Dental, Vision) sick time, paid time off, the equivalent to 5 weeks paid vacation, tuition reimbursement, and because they are open 24/7 there is extra work should I need it and I know enough about my own strength by now that I will do whatever I have to for these kids.  Even times when I couldn't do for myself, I put their image at the helm and find the strength to turn the wheel.

Very strange after being a somewhat kept woman in a wealthy marriage to now having to ‘ball up’ and make decisions based not on what I would like, or what would ‘feel’ good, but however what will provide the most for the entire family.  Whew!   I never had the confidence to do all of this, and I still question it from time to time…and yet here I am day in and day out doing just that.  I have two favorite quotes, please don’t ask me where they came from

“Circumstance does not make a man, it reveals him to himself”

&

“The outcomes of Life are not in being dealt a poor hand.  They are, however, in the ability and gumption to play a poor hand well”

Last month had me signing up for school, going for a loan modification to reduce living expenses, reworking budgets, meeting with someone that’s ½ life coach-therapist   ½ angel put in my path.  I’m dealing with my ghosts of past, ghosts of present, and learning coping skills for the ghosts yet to come.  May they always keep me learning and may they always keep me sharp and hungry for life.  For the old saying is so true – when you teach a woman something, you’ve taught the whole family.  I try to pass these navigational skills onto my boys on a daily basis.  I try to encourage them to walk with integrity, and put by what doesn’t serve their souls well.  Hopefully they will learn.  These kids will never know the love I have for them, …until of course they have their own.  Not a pat on the back for me, just a glance of understanding will do one day boys...

When I look back over the last few years at the times when I struggled the most, was scared shitless,  prayed the most, and took a jump of faith – these were the times that made right now.  And I’m happy to say I am ok, a lot wiser, still scared shitless at times, still praying for clarity – but I’m making it.  Sometimes barely, but sometimes that’s all you can ask.   I’ve got a good family, fantastic friends, The blessing of insight and breath in my lungs.  In my heart that puts me ahead of my own game I play in my mind.

But I’ve still got ‘dreams’ which are now being renamed ‘goals’ and that little crazy redhead inside me...the kid me... the real me...the one that sat at the knee of the brogue bearers listening to their tales...their strength that pumps in my veins maybe it's the same blood and inherited force of will that caused them to get on that ship and come here to America with barely anything but the hope of a better life.  That crazy little me... she whispers to me, she begs me, she yells at me....  'Yes you can do this – you are doing this – I don't care how tired you are how weak you feel - keep going, the view will be worth it, I promise... Just keep going!  Just keep going!  Just keep going!

Welcome 2013... Well damn… It just sounds lucky doesn't it?

Good Energy to you in making your dreams goals!

A 5 year plan...

The Town of Argyle

Comprising about 35,000 acres of land, lies close to the center of Washington county between the Adirondacks and the Green Mountains of Vermont.  The patent of Argyle was granted march 13^th, 1764.  Some of the first settlers arrived in 1738 from Argyllshire, Scotland. The name of Argyle was given because the settlers were all from the shire of Argyle in Scotland. Up to the time of the revolution, population growth was very slow. In 1771 there were only 90 voters in the entire patent. By 1790 the total population had grown to 2341 and there were 299 homes. Argyle at this time had the largest population of any town in the county by 100 people. Argyle like the rest of America is a “melting pot of races”  since its beginning and not pure Scottish community like it is often pictured. Today the population hovers around 3688 according to the US census figures.

Just a dream

Last night I had a dream…more of a concept really.

It was roughly 3AM I woke up, grabbed my notebook, sat in the steamy tub and wrote this

I saw my hands gripping the wet mossy soaked black rocks.  I saw the mist of my breath, my life force heaving in front of me like apparitions come to visit.  I raced, I lunged, my large thigh muscles aching with the exertion.

The dirt of the earth pushed under my nails as they chipped and ripped, clawing the rocks.  My hair fell forward in my face, obscuring my view.  I dare not look up…I just kept climbing…grabbing toward the mist.  I had to reach its cover; live wet air.  It would conceal me.  My lungs puffed and ached, my body completely relying on itself, my heart pounding with fear at this chase.

The ground dipped and my left foot slipped into a small crevice, I hoisted the leg up and dead air met it.  I reached my hand down and felt a space.

I could still hear them, their metal, their swords, and their fervor.  My moment had come – I rolled my body left and fell about four feet into a pocket of hope.  I curled my arms around my knees still heaving and tried to control my breath.  My body felt gutted by the intake of air as though it would split.  Forcing my breath to slow itself, I closed my eyes.  Slowly I became steady.

I threw my head back and felt my long curls on the sweat of my shoulders, I had to stifle a deep throaty laugh.  The mist had taken me in its fold, the mountain in its soul; both had saved me from my slaughter.

As my eyes became accustomed to the light, I realized this pocket of earth was 10 feet deep with a rise at its innermost part.  Upon this rise was a rough woolen cloak of sorts, folded and dusty with fine dirt.  Of course!  A Sheppards night keep upon a mossy rise!

I would make a guest of myself.  I shook off the cloak and wrapped myself in it and lay down on a bedding of dried stiff mountain grass.  Safe in this hidden womb, I slept.  I gave myself over to the earths’ protection, every muscle released and I became dead-like in my stillness.   As I slowly tumbled into the arms of rest, I heard far off shouts and the muffle of voices; moving closer then away.  I heard the hollow scream of someone falling; then nothing.

When I awoke, a thin strand of light dustily filtered in.  I realized suddenly that I was famished.  The faint sound of moving water had my parched mouth mad with desire.  I cautiously edged up to the small opening of my shelter.  The sun felt warm and the rocks surrounding the opening were faded with dry.  I judged it to be midday.  I allowed my eyes to grow accustomed to the harsh light.  Standing on tip toes, I poked my head out.

The air outside was crisp and refreshing.  The snows had melted a while back and it was that chill before the in-between of Rough-Spring and Early High-Ground Summer.  My hands went first and then I eased my body out and sat on the cool earth.  I sat for a few moments and surveyed steep climbing’s of stone rubble to both sides.  In my haste I had scurried up a mist blind flat and seemingly forbidden side of the mountain.  I turned and lifted my gaze to see what a higher climb would have brought.

I blinked back tears and counted my blessings tenfold.  A few more steps would have ended at a sheer wall of stone.  It was easy to envision losing my grasp and tumbling to my end.  I began to wipe my eyes with determination.  There was a reason my foot had slipped.  A reason this side of the mountain revealed its secret to me.  A reason I was kept safe.  A reason the wool cloak sat folded…dusty…waiting.  It was certainly not to cry, not to give in.  I had been spared.

To my left there was a trickle of snow melt; crisp and clear water that slumbered over winter, now rushing to spring.  I cupped my hands and drank.  I lowered them and drank only with my mouth.  Standing on the side in the sun, I peeled off my clothing and allowed the water to rinse the dirt and grime of my escape from my skin.  I let out a gasp as I dunked my head and washed my hair.  Dirt, tears, fear and sweat were carried away down the mountain.  When I finished I stood naked and gave my clothes a good rinse.

The sun was higher now.  I found a flat dark rock and laid my clothing out to dry.  I loosely wrapped the wool cloak around me, slipped on my leather footings and decided to explore a bit…

 

RT 23

When I was a little girl my father and I were driving down the road.  I freakish summer storm came upon us and the sky was shattered with wild bolts of lightening.  It was dinner time.  He slowed the car and said "Wow Chris look at that"  Up on a hill to our left where scarce trees stood a haunted house sat.  It looked fake...like a movie set.  There was a woman who had just run in the front door, she had a yellow housecoat on, I saw the back of her as the door slammed to the wind.  To the left hung laundry whipping wildly on a line.  She had been caught in the rain.  My mouth dropped open and the image has never left me.

Years went by as the house fell into disrepair, appeared abandoned for a while and eventually, I believe, there was a fire and the house was destroyed and ripped from the hill as if it never existed.

Today a gas station/mini mart sits in that area.  But Ahhh the power of the net.  I found a picture of it...I posted the pic on my FB page and it garnered a visceral response...I wasn't the only one that missed it's presence.  I'd take that house over a mini mart any day.

The Haunted House

A bit further down the road A huge farm met a similar fate.  When my parents moved up here from the city there was only one grocery store we would go to.  Food Town!  My significant other's father allegedly won a bicycle for offering up the name when it opened.  My friend Cheryl and I reminisce about the place often.  You could  buy milk and only one type of lettuce (iceberg)!  Whole Foods but was a dream.  It serviced this area for many a year.  I recall the kiddie rides and a food court/snack bar - I suppose now food shopping was an all day affair back then.  You could take any size box from their 'recycle' bin of boxes at the front of the store.  And being a deli or produce clerk provided a liveable wage for these parts!  

It all must've been a farm, both sides of the road.  My boyfriend remembers cows crossing (Route 23!)  Across from Food Town a huge barn stood.  Not that long ago a large billboard went up offering it's prime real estate.  I hoped against hope that someone would purchase it and return it to it's former glory...no dice.

Trucks pulled up and began dismantling it.  I shot these pics on an overcast moody day.  I may be wrong but it seems to me that it is being systematically dismantled in an organized fashion with much care.  Hopefully this piece of history will be spread out among other structures being erected and that the purchasers will appreciate the origins of their creation.

My father would have a fit if he knew I had been climbing through it's remains.  I needed to touch the stone foundation and be amazed that dry hay still remained in it's bowels.  The craftsmanship of those that came before is humbling...

Hay still there!  Stone construction has stood the test of time

Hand Hewn

Good Bones

Thank goodness I shot the pics when I did ...It's now gone

Across the street on the edge of a swampiness, there is a small springhouse.  It has that feeling of a french countryside painting.  It is quietly being reclaimed by the earth...slowly I watch it edge into damp darkness.  I miss the old days sometimes.

Good Energy to you and your wisps of days gone by!

Ladies in waiting!!!

We have narrowed the Dirty Birdies down

Dutch Bantam Hens have stolen our hearts!!! 

Hurry up spring we can hardly wait!!!!

The last poultry show - so much to look at!  I highly recommend attending something like this, we were able to narrow it down to smaller Bantam Hens.  Some of those birds were so big they looked like they could rip your face off (not the birds for me)  Luckily, as I am learning, most livestock comes in smaller 'Crisy Hobbit' sizes :)

Love.

Good Energy to your feathery dreams!

Pray it forward

Recently a friend was going through some stuff – I told her I would pray for her.  She asked ‘When did YOU become so religious?’….

I do not consider myself religious -  I DO consider myself deeply spiritual

I thought about her question and I remembered a certain Sunday I had a few years ago…

I had gone on a Girls Weekend trip with fellow Jersey girls.  A long weekend at the sea.  I was the annoying one.  The one up at 5AM walking through the morning mist, not wanting to miss the potential of the day.  I’ve never been much of a ‘sleeper inner’.  So I would walk all over the flat neighborhoods and end up barefoot in the foamy surf.  A random dog or person jogging was all that I would see sharing my sand.  Other than that…the ocean was mine!

I’ve often described the ocean as the earth breathing.  I can feel the vibration through my entire being.  The salt        clears the mind and the lungs.  Ionically the water tumbling back and forth and the rhythmic nature of the tides will induce an innate meditative quality within me.  I just feel better, more primitive, more content, closer to myself, a divine connectedness.

Water has always been a priority in my life.  Always.  I believe in its ability to restore the soul.  The mystery and depths of the seas mirror timeless questions of existence.  My children have long given up on my awareness of any proximity to water.  Long ago they ceased to be amazed at my ability to ‘call’ a water source being close by.  I could almost feel it – I still can.  We will be driving and I’ll wave my hand and say ‘there’s water over there’.  It’s met with many an eye-roll now.  It’s always been like that for me.  A loved one of mine wanted to move to a desert dry like area.  I shuddered.  Lakes, streams, seas, make up the foundation of my safety requirements for life, a core requirement. 

So here we were, on the last day of our trip…Sunday.

We found an elevated restaurant on the boardwalk  to have brunch in.  We sat by the window.  I had a birdseye view of the footed path below.  I gazed out the window as my friends chattered.   I was with them but detached in a way.  I began looking at the people and an excerpt from Coleridges’ Rime of the Ancient Mariner – played through my mind

O happy living things; no tongue

Their beauty might declare

A spring of love gushed from my heart

And I blessed them unaware

Sure my kind saint took pity on me

And I blessed them unaware

As people went about their walk, I began to direct a quick good energy intention toward them.  A mini prayer of sorts.  The man looking downcast; I prayed for his heart to be light.  The woman looking worried holding the hand of a child;  I prayed for her clarity in decisions and faith in herself.  The lonely person; I sent an intention of love and comfort…and on and on it went for a while.  As I did this a smile crept across my face.  My heart became both happy and settled and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace.  I prayed for them unaware.  Imagine what this world could be if we all did that.  Someone could be doing it this very moment for you and you may not even know it!

What if you returned the favor?  Prayed it forward?  Make it a goal to pick 3 random people you see throughout your day that you don’t directly know.  Direct a good intention and well wishes toward them.  Who couldn’t use that?!  You won’t be sorry – Good Energy put out there will build! 

My favorite poem continues:

The self same moment that I could pray

And from my neck so free

The albatross fell off and sank

Like lead into the sea

I believe that prayer and good intentions will set the soul free.

Try it.

Good energy to you unaware.  And if you happen to have read this – a prayer to you as well!

The Right Wrong Turn...

Farmstalker is the term I use to describe my love affair with farms that aren't necessarily mine!  On any given day, if the weather strikes me just so and things have 'that vibe', I will veer off the beaten path to the Road not normally taken...

A few weeks ago, before the first dusting of snow, there was a huge annual fundraiser.  The wife of the Dr. I work for purchased tickets to this fundraiser for everyone in the office.  A local private school does a HUGE BBQ chicken dinner every year.  She had texted me 'how many tickets would you like for your family?  We reserved 4 for you!'

My reply at the time was 'Oh that's ok, I won't really have the time to go'  She then informed me no one really stays there many people just go and pick up the dinners like take out..

After looking at my work schedule that week (56+ hours EEEK!)  I decided a good take out meal would be wonderful.  I graciously accepted the offer.  I worked that day and left for the local fairgrounds directly after to pick up 4 dinners to go.

DID I MENTION HUGE  FUNDRAISER?

I pulled up, parked and followed the sign to the conservatory where dinner waited. There were women bagging food with military precision!  Into my paper shopping bag went 4 of these meals;  An ENTIRE HALF of a bbq chicken, a warm baked potato in foil, farm fresh green beans, a biscuit and your choice of apple cobbler or cake for desert!

Laden with food booty and trying to figure out how to get it in the house past 2 perpetually hungry teenage boys, I returned to my car for the short ride home...

The fairgrounds take on a certain fallow appearance when not in summer use.  The horse arenas had something going on - a stronghold of horse trailers were tightly parked like covered wagons.  A group to its own.  Aside from the greenhouse where the bbq took place the rest of the grounds were in a sort of drab repose that only a fall coming on strong can bring.  It was a blustery day with leaves a flying.  The air smelled damp and there was a chill - the sky was a watered down gray - live here long enough and you know it means a storm is not far off.  I headed home with the cozy scent of a traditional meal filling my car.

You see, working so much, I rarely get the time to meander,....to be.  There is so much beauty these parts give unconditionally if you only open your eyes.  I've been told I see things people miss.  For that I am grateful.  Many times in my life I had felt as though I missed things...and somewhere on my journey I made a conscious pact with myself to try to be 'in the moment' when such a moment presented itself...

The back exit of the grounds treats you to a silo, hand built of stone.  You empty onto the back road and pass gracious farm land.  If you listen you can hear the toil of labor and wind, when the static of TV and the like did not exist.  You hear the fields, you smell the earth, and you see what you might have missed had you not taken that wrong yet cosmically right turn...

I loved the 'patchiness' of this country road...it reminds me of the 

spots you would find on a cow...cosmically this road leads to a lovely farm setting

Have you ever had a day where you stop and beg God to let you remember a moment?

May we be like the waters...that just are...without question

The sky turned moody as I turned toward home

And what remained refused to be forgotten...

I stopped my car, and stood in the road to get one last lingering look...

As I focused my camera this truck jumped into frame...Perfect

And it was just a wrong turn...on my way home...

imagine that!

Good Energy to you...wherever the road may take you!