Later in the very full day I had I came home and sat with my oldest child. My youngest had been asleep for hours, school and exercise finally catching up to him. It went like this:
"Hey did dad tell you why he needed that phone number?" My oldest is so direct, so true, so good.
"No honey I really couldn't deal with him, I looked it up and texted it to him."
"Oh, well he's buying a house down the shore."
I broke into a smile.
"I'm sorry Mom."
"Honey what are you sorry about?! That's great! You and Mike will have a place to go and hang out in summer and in the off season when you like it down there!"
"I thought you would be,..Ya know...jealous or hurt or I don't know...It's where we went, kinda our thing..."
"Oh honey we will always do 'our thing' but this is a new thing and I'm happy for you and Mike!'
"You're not jealous?'
Envy - A reaction to lacking something. Jealousy - A reaction to the threat of losing something.
It was then that I did a quick internal triage - did I bypass some major emotion? Had I missed it? Was I in shock that their father was going to by a house not far from where I cherished taking them as children? No. I scanned myself again. No. There was only happiness, and it was the most wonderful surprise of all.
Believe me I've still got work to do and I could embark on a tireless tirade of how his girlfriend is a gold digger, he is a sociopath and any number of character assassinations. But I just didn't have it in me. Why?
Soul Evolution is all I could come up with.
Since the very moment I had conceived these children, it became all about them. I gave them what I didn't have, hoped for them what I couldn't give, I cheer for them when every leg of their journey becomes better, more luminous. There wasn't an ounce of negativity. I was as if God/The Universe/Karma/etc had unburdened me any ill will and I found only happiness for my children regardless of the source.
Of course my son thinks it should be us. But I told him how full my life is with friends, my interests, my goals etc etc I told him how proud I am of he and his brother and how everything is happening the way it is supposed to. Then he floored me...
"Yeah Mom, it will be nice but I don't have expectations that it will one day be mine one day- I will enjoy it but not depend on it - I am building my own life." Bravo my child - YOU are intact.
When I woke up this morning I knew I had to write this. I woke up and again triaged my emotions...I'm good, unshaken, moral compass intact. And my son and I were given a lesson that surprised us both - Be happy and solid in your life - it's your biggest job - everything else is just foam on the waves. And when the ocean is left to it's own, time and the moon-tide will clean it - the same goes for you.
Sacred Moments
Namaste
