Waiting for Envy

Yesterday I got a 'sneak attack' call from my ex-husband.  Many say why do you pick up the phone?  One of my sons had tried to call me prior so I automatically assumed it was regarding one of the boys.  It was regarding a $ related issue.  Part way through the call he inquired as to how I was I replied with 'I am ok, Hey I was thinking..."  I wanted to tell him something about our youngest son but he interrupted me and again asked about the main objective of his call.  I was not surprised as he is really trying his best but is a narcissist in every sense of the word.  Any communication only serves one purpose; feeding his bruised from childhood ego.  That is fine we were together for 15 years and divorced for 10 - I understand.  So I simply hung up the phone.  He called back.  I told him I was at work and was busy.  'So what?' was his reply as we are talking about a man that earns six figures about three times over annually - nothing is as important to him but that.

Later in the very full day I had I came home and sat with my oldest child.  My youngest had been asleep for hours, school and exercise finally catching up to him.  It went like this:

"Hey did dad tell you why he needed that phone number?" My oldest is so direct, so true, so good.

"No honey I really couldn't deal with him, I looked it up and texted it to him."

"Oh, well he's buying a house down the shore."

I broke into a smile.

"I'm sorry Mom."

"Honey what are you sorry about?!  That's great! You and Mike will have a place to go and hang out in summer and in the off season when you like it down there!"

"I thought you would be,..Ya know...jealous or hurt or I don't know...It's where we went, kinda our thing..."

"Oh honey we will always do 'our thing' but this is a new thing and I'm happy for you and Mike!'

"You're not jealous?'

Envy - A reaction to lacking something.  Jealousy - A reaction to the threat of losing something.

It was then that I did a quick internal triage - did I bypass some major emotion?  Had I missed it?  Was I in shock that their father was going to by a house not far from where I cherished taking them as children?  No.  I scanned myself again.  No.  There was only happiness, and it was the most wonderful surprise of all.  

Believe me I've still got work to do and I could embark on a tireless tirade of how his girlfriend is a gold digger, he is a sociopath and any number of character assassinations.  But I just didn't have it in me.  Why?

Soul Evolution is all I could come up with.  

Since the very moment I had conceived these children, it became all about them.  I gave them what I didn't have, hoped for them what I couldn't give, I cheer for them when every leg of their journey becomes better, more luminous.  There wasn't an ounce of negativity.  I was as if God/The Universe/Karma/etc had unburdened me any ill will and I found only happiness for my children regardless of the source.

Of course my son thinks it should be us.  But I told him how full my life is with friends, my interests, my goals etc etc I told him how proud I am of he and his brother and how everything is happening the way it is supposed to.  Then he floored me...

"Yeah Mom, it will be nice but I don't have expectations that it will one day be mine one day- I will enjoy it but not depend on it - I am building my own life."  Bravo my child - YOU are intact.

When I woke up this morning I knew I had to write this.  I woke up and again triaged my emotions...I'm good, unshaken, moral compass intact.  And my son and I were given a lesson that surprised us both - Be happy and solid in your life - it's your biggest job - everything else is just foam on the waves.  And when the ocean is left to it's own, time and the moon-tide will clean it - the same goes for you.

Sacred Moments

Namaste

Familiar?

Many of you know that I have been part of an Anthropology focus group for quite some time.  For whatever reason, Anthropology won't let go of me in the sense that I consistently find its course of studies 'fleshing out' my schedule.  I am a Writing/English major, however I have been told by various professors that writing majors typically bridge between the two.  Anthropology has offered my already eclectic personality even more points of view and an exposure to different beliefs and concepts.

Isis bright and early

A few semesters ago, under the Anthro banner, I had taken a Folklore class as well as a Magic Witches and Shamans class.  The Folklore class was comforting, The Magic Witches and Shamans astounding.  We delved into tribal practices across the globe, Magic as it is understood by different cultures both dark and pure intent and having been in medical for quite some time The Shaman aspect floored me.  I've met so many spiritually diverse human beings throughout my educational journey and we have all symbiotically added to one another.  I embraced certain points and made them my own.  The most basic and recurring is the simple statement "Harm None." This is known as the basis for Wiccans.

Isis in the Garden

Further into our course work we learned peripheral terms and one of them was the term Familiar (noun).

'Familiar' is basically defined (in regards to Magic/Witches) as: A familiar (or familiar spirit or familiar animal) is an animal-shaped spirit or minor demon believed to serve a witch or magician as domestic servant, spy and companion, in addition to helping to bewitch enemies or to divine information. (witchcraftandwitches.com)

Apparently many animals have been cast out or put to death because of a fear in the unknown.  I found this very interesting as I now have friends that embrace Wiccan traditions and easily call their pets their familiars.  I'm sure this still garners them ostracization in certain ways but more than that I love that they are able, in this day and age, to say it out loud.

Why did my brain go to familiars today?  Well about a week ago I noticed a skinny little stray tortoise colored cat with a remarkably raccoon colored/patterned tail hanging around my block.  I live in a townhouse and there are some rental units.  On the1st and the 15th of the month people may be moving in and out.  So last night the sky was gathering for the rain that we so desperately needed to break the awful heat we've had and I heard a cat wailing in the dark some distance down.  Then this cat became visible.  The person I live with coaxed it over and texted me as I was inside.  The text read 'I think I am earning her trust - come outside.'  I grabbed a sample pack of dried cat food.  I had a feral cat once whose main goal was to kill everyone in the house, so I still had some food.  I walked outside and this cat came right up to me and twisted itself around my legs - loudly purring.  Now I have been hungry enough in my life to do the same but this felt different.  This cat was immediately undeniably innately comfortable with me - as if it knew me.  After it choked the food down it came and sat on my lap still loudly purring.  She was skitterish but...well...familiar (adj).  I called her Isis and she lifted her face to mine and tucked it into my neck.


I've heard it said you don't keep a cat - a cat keeps you.

Isis when I came out this AM to write this blog

This morning bright and early I heard her.  She was mewing and purring.  I went outside to walk my dog and they just starred at one another.  When I brought the dog in, Isis also wanted in.  I didn't bring her in as I don't know her history or her health.
But something is happening here...

we don't always pick our family...sometimes they pick us.

She may be staying, or just passing through, it's really up to her I suppose.  

Today her fur is on my keyboard.

Isis as I finished this blog

Harm None

Namaste

Unfortunately in this day I must specify her name Isis is after the Egyptian Goddess - nothing else

-Peace

My liquid meditation