Yes I have been quiet. Yes I've been doubtful, afraid and dare I use the word depressed? Well I guess I just did.
When talking with a very best girlfriend it all started coming out...but it all got grouped under one heading - FEAR.
Pretty much the last 3 years of my life have been building toward this fall - debt redux, getting my boys in a solid frame toward grown-up land, grabbing a class here and there when I could pay for it - many times biting off way more than I could chew in that dept but justifying it because (let's face it) mom being educated is definitely for the greater good of this entire household. But then that little demon of doubt danced through my mind. "Is is Crisy? Is it for the greater good? or is it a narcissistic move? Is it because you have never thought enough of yourself? Are you robbing from the mouths of your babes today to pay for classes to feed your own ego?"
Dear Lord what our own minds can do to us when left unchecked. So a battle began and lasted for a few months with many casualties in thought, faith, and sadly happiness. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that this 'funk' 'depression' 'F*cked up thinking' didn't touch a deeper bone in me. Many of you know my mother struggled with this kind of thing on a much grander and deadlier scale. I have always been able to grab the sides and pull myself out of the darkness - but I would be lying if I didn't say I check off every birthday as another year that maybe I walked a bit close to the edge, but thankfully was spared the fall. I'm a liver. A lover of existence. There in lies the salvation. But I do struggle, as we all do, and then suffer massive guilt because there are so many way worse and where the hell is my gratitude? I have no right when children are starving, people are dying, injustice runs rampant, to be unhappy about a damn thing. But the dark cloud still finds its way into my sunny sky. And I'm the first one to say as far as narcissism goes - We are all the stars of our own horror shows. So I do what my ancestors did - I shut my mouth and keep on keeping on. But this is where I've been had you been wondering....
Last night I was home sort of alone. The kids had come back from a vacation with their father early (aka I left work at 7:30pm drove the three hours to the ocean to pick them up - yes you will do that when your children have a certain sound in their voice that says 'get me the hell out of here' then drove the 3 hours back and arrived at 2AM happy they were home). So they are soaking up the last of summer with an endless stream of friends coming over checking out their new bedrooms and just enjoying some good old fashioned teen fellowship fueled by pizza and whatever isn't nailed down. So anyway I am home and a few friends began conversing with me via text - My bestie gf which turned into a call where she had me laughing at age, hormonal disturbances, and men always men. And then another friend texted me and I was able to dribble out my mental state the last few weeks. Never underestimate the power of texting to slow your thoughts down and precisely think about what you are typing.
And after all the crap, the absolute terror about school and navigating grants (disaster) and student loans (good debt but still a mess), relationship faux pas (they span a lifetime and are skit worthy), And just a general feeling of uncertainty coupled with abandonment issues that run too deep, I was able to say the following to a friend:
'But I gotta say this summer I was totally 'in it' like very present and worked less than I have in 6 years so that was a blessing. I really enjoyed the boys and time." And there it was. And my friend confirmed what I already knew by replying "That's perfect, that's what really matters."
And it was. And it is.
Maybe friendships are an alliance of sorts against the demons of the world - a round robin of support that gets exchanged when needed most. The less broken helping the more broken and then vice versa. For that I am beyond grateful.
I had a glass of wine, a warm bath and turned in. This morning I woke up and was able to really think about what I did personally did accomplish this summer. And although it seems silly I thought I would share...
-I invested in a kayak and found escape.
-I listened to my older sons life plan and realized it was solid and his next 3-5 years are spelled out (that was a relief).
-I realized my younger son has 3 years left of school and I need to thoroughly enjoy him and his crazy energy - by the way he has asked about agricultural studies and interning on farms across the US (yup).
-I realized my ex husband is 60 and doing the best he can and is at an age where there isn't enough energy to plot against me, for that and my children, I will always love him.
-I found a certain toxicity in dealing with certain people so I have limited and eradicated my exposure to them.
-I hammered down and realized the gratitude of having a roof over my head ($500 less expensive than it was a year ago (but honestly still too much $ - but we are here)).
-My younger son has developed a locavore fresh food disposition and a dislike for processed intake which has me running to farmers markets and appreciating the bounty that is all around us. We compared garlic from china (which is irradiated-I SHIT YOU NOT) and the sloppy gorgeous blooming garlic from Wantage and understood together that there is no comparison. Fresh and local is worth the extra coin
-We have sourced milk that comes everyday from NY state IN GLASS BOTTLES without hormone intervention - creamy heaven.
-I learned how to make pickles in a crock - gorgeous.
-I canned a zesty salsa that is so hot it will melt your eyeballs - I need to tweak that...
-I learned how to roast garlic to absolute perfection and bake artisan bread with it - have this with an heirloom brandywine tomato and your life will be transformed.
-I was given gifts of hope from people: A gorgeous jam from a woman that lost a son and told me to feed mine well. Eggs from chickens I raised in my bedroom that are now on a farm - full circle.
-I learned to let some stuff go and I believe this will be a life long process.
-I learned sometimes I prefer the company of my mothers grave to quite a few things.
-I've learned that his is MY life - dirty, scary, joyful, tearful, grateful, pissed off, healthy, thin, fat, all of it is mine and I own it and I'm so done with asking permission for anything from anyone.
My hopes and dreams for the coming months are as such...
-I hope to graduate in the spring and be in a school in some capacity next fall.
-I hope to stay on PT at the Dr. office where I work because I don't think I can live with out the lovely insanity I have found there.
-I hope to be thinner (I'll let you know how that shit goes)
-I hope to be writing more consistently...so many stories in me they bubble over into my dreams at night.
-I hope for my children to continue down the solid roads they are on - and open communication.
-I hope to deepen my spirituality and learn to trust God more because honestly he has never really let me down.
-I hope the friendships I have remain as they are - a source of happiness, hope, and humility.
-I hope to be outside as much as I am now, even more, to enjoy the abundance of the woods, the ocean, the natural realm.
-I hope to be open to possibility and when I get knocked to my ass or knees I hope to take a breath, pray, and continue.
-But above all I hope to be present - truly present. And if I gotta cry I hope to smile through it - just like I am right now as I write this - and please let me share the ability to do that with the kids - it's a crazy world they are going to need such skills.
Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you will look back and realize,
that they were the big things.
Namaste
