What a wonderful thing on a day such as this to remember the homemade turkey soup I had frozen

...It's the little things that bring the biggest comforts :)

A Party of One

When you  work in a hospital they have this little glitch...being called off.  I work in a specialty unit - ICU and when the patient census goes low (amount of patients there) They do a Census Reduction.  They decide you may not be needed for the day and call you @5AM to tell you to stay home.  For me it's sort of like a snow day...except it's July.

The panic with being called off is that you can dip into your time bank and take 12 hours of earned PTO (paid time off) or just take the day without pay.  I had the time so I didn't mind the 5AM 'Don't come in call'

I've been having a bit of a rough time lately trying to figure things out..ironically I became somewhat non-verbal.  I didn't really call any friends to 'run it by them' very few people even knew things were out of balance.  Well...people that are quite close to me DID know, they always know.  I wound up taking ill, I believe it may have been a physical manifestation of the chaos that's been building...or it could've been a virus, sure...but my gut tells me different and it's yet to be wrong.

 I spoke with Cheryl quite a bit.  She is most likely one of the closest people to me...a voice of reason in an (at times) unreasonable existence.  A few months ago she threw her hands up and said to the Universe 'Do what you will I can't fight anymore'  And the Universe did what it always does...it came through.  She now lives by the ocean (a lifelong dream) has a wonderful job with all the bells and whistles that makes one secure. And is in her own space - which she said I can visit whenever, God bless her little heart!  In my 2 steps away from despair Cheryl's happiness was a beam of sunlight through a dark window.  My heart swelled for her and pure happiness pours from it every time I think of her and Sasha on the sand!  A completely new life in a matter of days.

I had been over identifying with things at work AND at home.  I finally realized we are the sum of many parts and not any ONE thing.  42 years old and I'm still making these little discoveries and I hope to say the same @ 92 yrs old.

A few months ago I was told by my college of my choice that to return and finish my degree I would have to write a letter explaining my hiatus and why they should consider me to return.  I sat looking at a blank screen for a long long time.  Then I thought of the one thing that has always gotten me through everything...THE TRUTH.  Crisy, I said to myself out loud, just. tell. the. truth.  15 minutes later I had finished the letter but could barely see it through the tears.  I slapped a stamp on it and dropped it in the mail as fast as I could in case my nerve gave way.  It was done.  It was in a federal mail box.  I couldn't take it back.  They could shoot me dead if I tried. God Bless the USA.

My outlook became grim.  I heard nothing.  I tried to think of a plan B but it just wouldn't come.  It was one of those life moments where you could make a right or go left or just stay straight.  I just kept walking.  And the days seemed strange.  Things swirled around me.  Things I had no control over.  Money things. House things. Work things. Relationship things.  Where the hell was I going?  Metaphorically I looked around.  I was in the woods in my soul and couldn't see how I got there.  My attitude really began to suck.

Then a message in a bottle made its way onto my little island.  I was welcomed back into the English program at college...just like that.  But there toward the bottom of a generic 'yeah yeah you're in' letter was a personal note "Your letter was an inspiration, passionate, we look forward to having you back.."  Tears. The fear of being lost in the woods ebbed away.  I realized I had always had myself and my truth.

BACK TO TODAY - So I woke up to a day that I decided was truly MINE.  I did Hatha Yoga.  I Meditated - I loved certain people from my past that hurt me and just let it go, I loved certain people from recent times that hurt me and I just let them go - my heart felt healed.  I walked around my fathers lake then stood in the water that I swam in as a child, we leave bits of energy always, in many ways I will always be there.  

I headed up to a nearby mountain where there is a state park, I plunked down $ and rented a Kayak and took my first solo trip around the small islands there.  Aquatic plants that stretched up from the bottom caressed my craft and whispered to me. Their new growth made it look as though they were illuminated from the bottom, a sun in the murky mud perhaps?  I sat back sweaty in that dance between surface and sky and I let the wind move me.  When I was finished I hiked through trails, passed abandoned campsites with only the crunch of my shoes on gravel to listen to. I'm keeping these old sneakers to hike, until they fall apart with miles and stories only I know.  I believe we can walk through anything if we have sure footing.

Today was my celebration.  A party of one.  Sometimes you need to lose your way to get back on track.

Namaste

Morning

I have never understood people that say they "Hate the Morning".  Never.  I have always had a torrid love affair with them!  Especially a morning after a great rain...which is where I found myself today at the crack of dawn.

There is just something about the light that comes on, knowing the rate we are barreling through the universe at, but the light...it comes on soft...dim at first...then slowly like a delicious kiss it is full blown in its desire for you to see it - to really see it.

The potentiality that daybreak holds has always humbled me.  A single morning can have you changing the entire course of your life - I know because I've done it.  After a good nights sleep, or a terrible broken dream slumber daybreak is there.  An unsuspecting ally.  If morning can be there, so can you.  A day can pull you through life.  And when you stumble upon a day of illness, of heart, body, or mind... well fear not because there will be a daybreak tomorrow and you can grab onto it at that point. 

When we buried my grandfather I sat in my fathers car with my grandmother.  They had seen a complete life with one another and all of the sudden she was alone and grief stricken. Her face was slack and scared in a way that spooked me.  I was quiet... but watching.  She put her little bony hand (same size as mine) with the slightly in-bent pinkys (same as mine) and looked at my with eyes colored a gentle sky and said "Aye tomorrow will come"  And it did.  And many after as well.

Morning for humans has become an angry race sometimes.  Wake. Shower. Dress. Rip yourself from your family and daily toil of life (hello the way we are meant to live).  Java up baby. Burn Gas. Punch in. Enjoy a right angle garishly lit day....

Not all bad though, I was chatting with a friend who said they like their job, feel good about the work they do - and I get that - moments of satisfaction and happiness - may we all be so lucky.

Mornings are holy, another day, a cosmic gift.  Days off see me surrounded by water, visiting my places of worship - Lakes, Paths, Snow melts and the damp the wet earth to which I hold kinship. A damp wet earth, like me, is ready to receive natures riddled gifts of extravagance and hope.  With a hot cup of tea and a nod to those who came before I go open into the day.

I love Morning.

The treasure revealed

So I've come to appreciate Urban Hiking.  When I first found it I thought "what is it and do I need a weapon?"  

Apparently it was the push back movement to being gridlocked.  Pack a bag take off on foot and see what you miss from a car window. Like a cat you can literally climb, hike, explore things that are off limits in normal every day travel.   I had the recent opportunity to take my first Urban Hike in Ocean City NJ.  I found it while staying with a friend who had a big job interview...

"Crisy come down the shore with me - I have to do a working interview for three days, you would be on your own, minutes from the beach, it's totally paid for and you've just been so stressed may you would like..."

"Yes yes and yes and did I mention...YES!" 

So I set off with backpack, ipod, water, a towel and $14 on an urban hike I found printed in the local coffee shop.  TEN MILE URBAN HIKE - WORTH IT.

And it was.

So this weekend I find myself in a small town called Cambridge.  I was to camp and milk goats - both got cancelled.  So for the high falutin price of $55/night I'm staying in an old roadside motel with a placebo Air Conditioner and a shower head that is a glorified hose....camping ...sort of.

Always the early riser I was up at dawn and stepped outside finding it cooler than the sauna like quarters.  I got that little excited feeling - urban hike!

I grabbed my shoes and hit the sidewalk.  In retrospect many would think this dangerous - NJ Woman heads out at crack of dawn with no ID and no direction. But honestly folks I am in Mayberry, Im not joking. 

I roughly estimated a 5 mile loop.  I get the feeling this is the place you come to settle if you're able to secure very...well...secure employment OR you have a nice pension.  I understand it gets so cold here in the winter things just break.  I'm not easily broken so I am figuring my 5 year plan with gusto.  This fall both boys are in highschool, I return to school.  I work my ass off, sock away more and when the boys set off on their life - this is where I will be.  Simple right:? Exciting? O honey you have no idea!

This was a town that hit it's peak with the railroad and much of it still intact.  Now there is a bohemian vibe and being about 15 min from VT there is an undertone of New England charm with the chipped edges of self reliance.  You bring that which you are and revel in it.

I returned to my room/shed quite a bit later sweaty and happy.  Under the hose shower I listened to my heart.  Sometimes things have to erode to reveal the treasure... I'm drawing the map on my soul...

Namaste