When you work in a hospital they have this little glitch...being called off. I work in a specialty unit - ICU and when the patient census goes low (amount of patients there) They do a Census Reduction. They decide you may not be needed for the day and call you @5AM to tell you to stay home. For me it's sort of like a snow day...except it's July.
The panic with being called off is that you can dip into your time bank and take 12 hours of earned PTO (paid time off) or just take the day without pay. I had the time so I didn't mind the 5AM 'Don't come in call'
I've been having a bit of a rough time lately trying to figure things out..ironically I became somewhat non-verbal. I didn't really call any friends to 'run it by them' very few people even knew things were out of balance. Well...people that are quite close to me DID know, they always know. I wound up taking ill, I believe it may have been a physical manifestation of the chaos that's been building...or it could've been a virus, sure...but my gut tells me different and it's yet to be wrong.
I spoke with Cheryl quite a bit. She is most likely one of the closest people to me...a voice of reason in an (at times) unreasonable existence. A few months ago she threw her hands up and said to the Universe 'Do what you will I can't fight anymore' And the Universe did what it always does...it came through. She now lives by the ocean (a lifelong dream) has a wonderful job with all the bells and whistles that makes one secure. And is in her own space - which she said I can visit whenever, God bless her little heart! In my 2 steps away from despair Cheryl's happiness was a beam of sunlight through a dark window. My heart swelled for her and pure happiness pours from it every time I think of her and Sasha on the sand! A completely new life in a matter of days.
I had been over identifying with things at work AND at home. I finally realized we are the sum of many parts and not any ONE thing. 42 years old and I'm still making these little discoveries and I hope to say the same @ 92 yrs old.
A few months ago I was told by my college of my choice that to return and finish my degree I would have to write a letter explaining my hiatus and why they should consider me to return. I sat looking at a blank screen for a long long time. Then I thought of the one thing that has always gotten me through everything...THE TRUTH. Crisy, I said to myself out loud, just. tell. the. truth. 15 minutes later I had finished the letter but could barely see it through the tears. I slapped a stamp on it and dropped it in the mail as fast as I could in case my nerve gave way. It was done. It was in a federal mail box. I couldn't take it back. They could shoot me dead if I tried. God Bless the USA.
My outlook became grim. I heard nothing. I tried to think of a plan B but it just wouldn't come. It was one of those life moments where you could make a right or go left or just stay straight. I just kept walking. And the days seemed strange. Things swirled around me. Things I had no control over. Money things. House things. Work things. Relationship things. Where the hell was I going? Metaphorically I looked around. I was in the woods in my soul and couldn't see how I got there. My attitude really began to suck.
Then a message in a bottle made its way onto my little island. I was welcomed back into the English program at college...just like that. But there toward the bottom of a generic 'yeah yeah you're in' letter was a personal note "Your letter was an inspiration, passionate, we look forward to having you back.." Tears. The fear of being lost in the woods ebbed away. I realized I had always had myself and my truth.
BACK TO TODAY - So I woke up to a day that I decided was truly MINE. I did Hatha Yoga. I Meditated - I loved certain people from my past that hurt me and just let it go, I loved certain people from recent times that hurt me and I just let them go - my heart felt healed. I walked around my fathers lake then stood in the water that I swam in as a child, we leave bits of energy always, in many ways I will always be there.
I headed up to a nearby mountain where there is a state park, I plunked down $ and rented a Kayak and took my first solo trip around the small islands there. Aquatic plants that stretched up from the bottom caressed my craft and whispered to me. Their new growth made it look as though they were illuminated from the bottom, a sun in the murky mud perhaps? I sat back sweaty in that dance between surface and sky and I let the wind move me. When I was finished I hiked through trails, passed abandoned campsites with only the crunch of my shoes on gravel to listen to. I'm keeping these old sneakers to hike, until they fall apart with miles and stories only I know. I believe we can walk through anything if we have sure footing.
Today was my celebration. A party of one. Sometimes you need to lose your way to get back on track.
Namaste
