Moody Day Moody Sky
Today I was able to completely 'set up' and put to good use the office Mr. William (my 16 year old) built for me. I kind of had to in a way...the same feeling the night before a huge paper was due in school and you just pressed on into the wee hours to get it done! There are a ton of cosmic connected things going on for me right now, and being who I truly am it can drain me somewhat, but the balance is in staying grateful...easier said then done sometimes!
When I find myself in a corner with fear closing in I start making a list. I list everything that is right in my life. Then I move on to where certain things were a year ago and where they are now. I know these feelings of self doubt are just that. But it's difficult when you work very hard, then commit to more work to try to break even (which is what I've got ahead of me this month) they you add a bit of doubt ...well my friends that just breeds the perfect storm in a way...
After I set up the office (which is so organized and lovely I keep opening the door!...keep in mind I'm closing the laundry room door and my check book - but hey! one thing at a time! slow and steady!) I headed downstairs to a day off and the chirping of the chickens. I cannot imagine what the house will be like when they move on to the farm that will be their home - they start with the sunlight and it all seems so natural, so very correct. So understand my sadness at saying yes to extra fluourscent lighting exposure and work after this tease of being home more and waking to farm sounds - but hello piss off ! just when you start getting ahead the water bill shows up! DAMN YOU TOWN WATER! One day I will have a well, and a stream! And I will bath naked outside (ok maybe a bit much there but you get my drift).
After it was finished with the office I felt happy but also a bit tense at the bills that need doing and things that need filing; taxes, mortgage things, accident reports (another blog), and ER bills (again another blog). I carried this feeling and had a hard time shaking it. So I decided to just let it be, which is the most difficult thing for someone like me to do. I tended the chickens realizing I am going to need Pine shavings very soon. The birdys are bigger and I have had to split them into 2 temporary coops to give them more room. I have a rigged waterer and food bin in the second coop but pine shavings...well can't really fake those so off I went to a definate mood booster Tractor Supply! I walked in a bit different. I used to be a poser - a stalker someone that would go in and not truly need to be there....all that has changed my friends!
I walked in with purpose my mind said 'ah yes I am here for some livestock supplies' haha! aka pine shavings...ok so I am still a bit of a freak but I did have purpose. I got my pine shavings for the chicks to shite in and started for home. The 60 degree day suddenly chilled up and the sky got downright dramatic...
By the time I got home a soft drizzle came over my neighborhood. Bella needed a walk so I leashed her up and we went out into the damp for a good stretch of the legs and some farm dreams. Walking her gets me out of myself, she snorts and I clear the mind...
I took note of the trees and the brush, everything is on the verge of getting spring green. The leaves are still gone so the swamp is visible and being near that much water and my quarry set me right. I started to breath deeply and felt the worry ebb away, this is where faith steps in. Faith is Fear that has said it's Prayers. I was comforted by the fact that things will get paid eventually, though maybe not all at once, and I am leaving no stone unturned in my efforts to reduce my living expenses and up my income...and that dear folks is sometimes the best you can do. And that became the thought I chose to carry with me.
This leg of my race has proven the slowest and the most trying, but I keep going, I keep walking. Sometimes I think I am daft...maybe I keep on keeping on because I don't know what else to do? Then I try to believe I am tough, I am all that came before me and that belief alone is strong enough to make things work.
The best thing about walking through something is you are just as far through as you perceive and there isn't anything to do but to just keep going, because lets face it you can't go back...forward is the only true option. And if you want to change your life...better your life...live your life with passion - well you must first change your mind. Where the mind has been, the body can go. And sometimes you have to sit in your fear and doubt and endure them both to let them be on their way...
The best thing about walking with the greatest craziest dog through the rain is that the tears of doubt and fear can fall as they like until they are gone and she won't tell a soul. You both just keep going...grateful for today and hoping for a better tomorrow.
Namaste
